Funny Thing About Grief

[Rick Shepherd]

I lost my daughter in 2020 to Covid. Three years have passed. I have learned many things about grief, and how others respond to my loss. Unfortunately, people don't respond very well because they don't know how, and it is an uncomfortable, very sad subject to consider. I recommend people educate themselves about grief and learn to be more supportive to those they know and love. Losing a child is incredibly difficult, so a little knowledge can go a long way. Consider the fact that those who suffer this type of loss have to endure the unimaginable, so be there for them. In the end, you have your children, they don't.

[Jim Owen]

Originally Posted by Rick Shepherd

I lost my daughter in 2020 to Covid. Three years have passed. I have learned many things about grief, and how others respond to my loss. Unfortunately, people don't respond very well because they don't know how, and it is an uncomfortable, very sad subject to consider. I recommend people educate themselves about grief and learn to be more supportive to those they know and love. Losing a child is incredibly difficult, so a little knowledge can go a long way. Consider the fact that those who suffer this type of loss have to endure the unimaginable, so be there for them. In the end, you have your children, they don't.

Hi Rick,
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this post—to remind us all to express more grace toward one another.

[fitness1]

One thing I've learned experientially is that the grief is equal to the depth of the love you had for someone - seems like a pretty simple thing, but until you are in the position of losing someone extremely close to you, you can't possibly understand fully.

I saw what losing my brother suddenly did to my parents - my Dad was one of the most emotionally strong people you've ever met and I'd never seen him look like that.

I also believe that some are just more wired for empathy and compassion than others, so even if they have experienced something similar, they may seem a little colder than others, in some cases because they can't fully face the reality of their own situation, so they try to avoid their own feelings, making them less ready to consider those of others.

I was thankful for the people surrounding me over the last few years who were capable of "hearing" me when I needed it. Of course there were some that just offered the "this too shall pass" - which made me quit talking to them about it for the most part.

Find your people who can listen effectively, and offer little snippets of light for you. Look for the "helpers"

[Rick Shepherd]

Originally Posted by fitness1

One thing I've learned experientially is that the grief is equal to the depth of the love you had for someone - seems like a pretty simple thing, but until you are in the position of losing someone extremely close to you, you can't possibly understand fully.

I saw what losing my brother suddenly did to my parents - my Dad was one of the most emotionally strong people you've ever met and I'd never seen him look like that.

I also believe that some are just more wired for empathy and compassion than others, so even if they have experienced something similar, they may seem a little colder than others, in some cases because they can't fully face the reality of their own situation, so they try to avoid their own feelings, making them less ready to consider those of others.

I was thankful for the people surrounding me over the last few years who were capable of "hearing" me when I needed it. Of course there were some that just offered the "this too shall pass" - which made me quit talking to them about it for the most part.

Find your people who can listen effectively, and offer little snippets of light for you. Look for the "helpers"

I appreciate what you said! Very true how people grieve so differently.

[Bob Womack]

I'm very sorry. I haven't gone through that.

Bob

[Dirk Hofman]

Originally Posted by Rick Shepherd

There are tons of resources for the grief-stricken. I am suggesting there is a need for people in general to understand how to support those who are.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This is an illuminating thought to me. I wish I knew how to support those in grief better.

[MrDB]

There is nothing more painful and soul crushing than losing a child. People react to things and deal with things differently and knowing how to talk to people about their loss can be difficult. My nephew died of a drug overdose, my BIL is difficult to talk to about his son as he will go down the rabbit hole of blaming everybody and everything rather than remembering the life of his son.

Some friends lost a daughter to suicide and we talk all the time about her and her life, and they enjoy talking about those things.

[rmp]

I'm sorry Rick, it's an awful thing for a parent to go thru

My brother inlaw lost his son, a few months before his 21st birthday

was hit by a buss at UCONN

My brother inlaw has never recovered from this.

[AX17609]

I lost my daughter to glioblastoma in three years ago. During the latter stages of her life, I took some golf lessons. I explained to the teacher what was going on and that I was just doing the golf instruction as a distraction. The very next time I saw him, he asked..."So, Steve, do you have any kids?" Apparently, this man was not only born without empathy, he was born without ears. I don't expect sympathy, but a little empathy would be nice. At least a little awareness.

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child. You know you'll lose your parents. You know you'll lose relatives and some friends. Maybe even a sibling. That's the way life works. It's not pleasant, but it's comprehensible. Losing a child hits you in a deeper, more primal place. It's as though you've failed at your most basic human function. Talking about it doesn't do any good. It doesn't respond to reason. It's a feeling that sits in a place speech can't access, and it never goes away.

I'm not who I was three years ago. I never feel joy or hope anymore. I don't even remember what those things feel like. I just watch the hours pass, try to concentrate on something, and not be a burden to anyone.

[Rick Shepherd]

Yes, losing a child is awful, especially a special one who brought so much light into this world. I never imagined a life without Aubrey, and never imagined life could be so incredibly difficult. I never imagined a lot of things until now. I would say one of the most important things to do for someone is to just show up, be there for them. There is no statute of limitations on this type of grief. Even after three years, I still want people to simply say, “Rick I am so very sorry this happened to you!” It is important to acknowledge their loss and understand they are forever broken. Also, talk about their child, because there is not a moment when I am not thinking about my Aubrey. She is still alive in my heart. To not acknowledge their loss is an insult.

[Acousticado]

Hi Rick,

Since you first mentioned the passing of your Aubrey, I remember that your pain was evident. When I’ve read your subsequent posts over time, I’ve wondered how you’re doing, hoping as well as can be expected. However, three years doesn’t seem to have diminished your pain and sorrow, which given the obvious depth of your love for her, is understandable. Perhaps all you can muster is to endure the best you can.

Beyond those who genuinely manage to express empathy and understanding in social circles, I hope that your music and recording gives you some measure of peace...even if fleeting. Have you written/recorded a song for Aubrey, and/or about your grief? In your times of quiet, perhaps you play for her?

I have sons and g-kids and can’t imagine how I’d survive if anything were to happen to any of them. My heart goes out to you and all those who loved Aubrey. Take care.

[Acousticado]

Originally Posted by AX17609

I lost my daughter to glioblastoma in three years ago. During the latter stages of her life, I took some golf lessons. I explained to the teacher what was going on and that I was just doing the golf instruction as a distraction. The very next time I saw him, he asked..."So, Steve, do you have any kids?" Apparently, this man was not only born without empathy, he was born without ears. I don't expect sympathy, but a little empathy would be nice. At least a little awareness.

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child. You know you'll lose your parents. You know you'll lose relatives and some friends. Maybe even a sibling. That's the way life works. It's not pleasant, but it's comprehensible. Losing a child hits you in a deeper, more primal place. It's as though you've failed at your most basic human function. Talking about it doesn't do any good. It doesn't respond to reason. It's a feeling that sits in a place speech can't access, and it never goes away.

I'm not who I was three years ago. I never feel joy or hope anymore. I don't even remember what those things feel like. I just watch the hours pass, try to concentrate on something, and not be a burden to anyone.

Hey AX,

My response to Rick goes out to you as well. I remember your posts along the way before you lost your daughter. I don’t recall if you’d ever mentioned her name. If you’re willing please share it. My best.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by Rick Shepherd

She is still alive in my heart.

Finding a way to honor that is certainly a key part of your future peace and healing.

I go down to my spot on the river nearly every night to "talk" to my family. They are all gone now and it's just me. I know they are there with me.

Hoping that you can find a place to keep the conversation going with your daughter as well.

[Puddleglum]

I’ve experienced my share of loss, including a child. The thing for people to remember is that there is nothing to be said that can really help (though there are plenty of things that can be unhelpful).

The thing I’ve learned the most in grief is that there is no such thing as “getting over it.” We don’t get over things like this: we just change. I say be ok with going through those changes.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by Puddleglum

We don’t get over things like this: we just change. I say be ok with going through those changes.

The last thing those that have left us would wish for us is to let their passing drag us into a dark place.

Push a little every day until it gets easier to push, and try to smile some thinking of them in the good times.