On Death & Dying

Jaden · #1 08-23-2019, 03:51 PM

It’s not a subject most people like to talk about, and I don’t expect any quick or easy answers, so ...

I recently finished a 6 year in home care scenario for a mother who talked about death on a daily basis, that she thought she was dying, but the process took several years and taken as a whole, was an undignified way to go.

My father was the opposite - never talked about death, when he found out he was terminally ill, he went quickly and as painlessly as possible with the assistance of the palliative care nurses, and was surrounded by numerous loving grandchildren and family, and departed in a heroic manner.

How do you see yourself dealing with this issue? Are there indications in your own personality that when it’s your time to go, will you go kicking and screaming or in a dignified manner - assuming no sudden death accident.

?

Hoyt · #2 08-23-2019, 04:16 PM

I hope I'm living in a state that allows Euthanasia, should I have a terminal illness that tends to be messy/depressing for the patient as well as the family.

If not, I'll have to improvise. There should be dignified ways to die, not only for the ill, but their family as well.

Jaden · #3 08-23-2019, 04:23 PM

And just as a follow up: An elder sister of mine passed away a few years ago (it seems like yesterday) after a lengthy 26 year battle with cancer. During that time with her husband they followed every possible avenue for treatment, even taking them out of country and paying out of pocket for the latest high tech tests and procedures (they could afford it).

At the end, it was an undignified scene at the hospital with the medical staff receiving abusive treatment by some immediate family members. It has taken years for them to accept her death, and maybe they still haven’t yet. She was 63 years of age.

Jaden · #4 08-23-2019, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoyt

I hope I'm living in a state that allows Euthanasia, should I have a terminal illness that tends to be messy/depressing for the patient as well as the family.

If not, I'll have to improvise. There should be dignified ways to die, not only for the ill, but their family as well.

Hear! Hear!

imwjl · #5 08-23-2019, 04:33 PM

My concern is that my end or near the end is not a much of burden or expense for others.

I'm not afraid to die but selfish me wants to keep enjoying my family, sports, coffee, cookies and beer.

I might fixate on the burden because we lost a family member in a car accident, and right now my wife is healthy after cancer and a hospital mistake that nearly did her in. That showed me how we weren't alone with stress. I mean the first responders, doctors etc... had to deal with it too.

raysachs · #6 08-23-2019, 04:43 PM

I've seen both parents and a father-in-law off and they were all different. I think it will be dictated by circumstances as much as anything. If I'm lucky enough to die in my sleep at age 90+ with most of my faculties in tact, I'm sure it will look like a fine way to go. If I get cancer in my 60s or dementia in my 70's or 80's and linger in a greatly reduced state for a number of years, I'm sure it will look like a miserable way to go. And I don't get to choose which of those outcomes it'll be, so it's really kind of up to fate.

I won't want to be kept alive by heroic measures once my quality of life is down to the nubs, regardless of the cause. I have a daughter who's a doctor who I think my wife and I will be able to count on as a really effective advocate for us in our last days. That gives me a lot of comfort. And another loving daughter who will probably be very helpful too on a different level than the doctor daughter.

-Ray

Ozzy the dog · #7 08-23-2019, 05:11 PM

When my son was about 6 years old he asked his gran (my mother) if he could have a particular garden gnome of hers when she died. She laughed out loud and agreed it was his. For his 32nd birthday, Grandma (age 90) gave him a heavy gift wrapped parcel which he opened with interest. Inside was the gnome with a note from gran saying she thought he might be getting fed up of waiting.

For years now she has been telling us all to pick out the things we all want from her possessions after she's gone so she can stick our names on them and avoid any arguments in the future. A sound plan but a few months ago I asked her (now 93) if she had actually put any names on anything and she said not to worry, she knew who wanted what.

I asked how she was going to tell us and she roared with laughter. She still hasn't labelled anything but this highlights a healthy outlook on the subject that has rubbed off.

Tico · #8 08-23-2019, 05:13 PM

If it looks like I'm going to suffer terribly for a long time I'll just get it over with.

Brucebubs · #9 08-23-2019, 06:20 PM

I lost 2 loved ones last year under vastly different circumstances.

My younger sister was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease (ALS) in November 2017 and we watched her slowly and horribly deteriorate till she passed away at home just 12 months later.

My 94 year old father-in-law passed away in his sleep at home in his own bed. He was a lovely man and deserved the most peaceful ending anyone can ever wish for.

At the end of the day they are both gone.

Bob Womack · #10 08-23-2019, 08:21 PM

My father died at 89 from the effects of dementia and micro-strokes. It took about four years. It started with him losing the ability to handle certain processes. One day he set down his coffee cup in the middle of his plate and food. My mother asked, "Jim, why on earth did you do that?" He replied, "I have no idea." One day he hit the accelerator instead of the brake in the car while trying to park in a parking garage. He caught it, but turned off the car, handed the keys to my mom, and said, "I can't do this anymore. It isn't safe."

He slowly became aphasic, specifically having great difficulty processing his inner thoughts into verbal sentences. This from a man who'd tested at 160 I.Q., the most intelligent, articulate man I knew. It must have been excruciating. When I visited I talk to him and try to set things up so he could answer with a nod or else we'd sit in silence. By the end of the year he was beginning to experience falls. He was six feet tall and my mother is 5'5" and couldn't handle his weight to get him back up. It became time for him to move into a nursing home. The family explained it to him and then held a luncheon for him before taking him to the home, a mile from his house. At the end of the meal, with great difficulty, he pulled together his speech enough to tell everyone he understood the need for him to go to the nursing home. He agreed with it and didn't want anyone to worry about the decision. I think that was his last communication to the family other than my mother.

He lasted two more years in various stages of care and lucidity before one day he succumbed to his disease surrounded by his family. He looked the circumstances, pain, and trials of death in the eye and walked towards them with a level head. He was the best man in my wedding and my best friend before I married my wife. He was a great example to me in both life and death.

I was asked to write his obituary and then give his eulogy. I described him as a man "at peace with his Lord, at peace with his world, and at peace with who he was more than anyone else I’ve ever met."

I want to go like him. At peace.

Bob

guitar george · #11 08-23-2019, 08:53 PM

My Dad had dementia and passed away without any pain and without a care in the world. My mother was a caring wife that looked after him and his affairs to the end. The dementia appeared to make it a pleasant experience for him. I hope I can be so lucky.

His dementia was not as bad as Bob's father's dementia described in the previous post.

Denny B · #12 08-23-2019, 09:01 PM

I'm sure that when my time comes, I'll be missed by my family and a few of my closest friends, the same as I miss those I've loved and been close to when they've passed on...

But I don't worry or give it too much of my time dwelling on it...I'm certainly not frightened by the thought that my life/existence is going to end some day...

I've always believed that the purpose of live is simply to live, and try to help others when we can...to enjoy our lives in the time we have and be good to those around us...

There's no great mystery, or anything to be afraid of...we're just like every other living thing that we share the world with...we're here for awhile and then we're gone...

Play some beautiful music...

hairpuller · #13 08-23-2019, 09:03 PM

Just heard a podcast from a woman whose husband was diagnosed with ALS at the age of 41 and given 1.5 years to live. She said he would have died if he didn't choose to get a tracheotomy and be able to continue breathing. She said it has been the most joyful time of their marriage and a real blessing to their 7 (yes, 7!) children. His mind is as sharp as ever even though the only thing he can now move after 6.5 years is his eyes. She felt that both her kids and herself would've been incredibly hurt if he had chosen to take the easy way out.

Very inspirational story.

scott

fumei · #14 08-23-2019, 09:07 PM

It is the luck of the draw.

My father died the same time as the father of a friend of mine. They both died of cancer. My dad died in excruciating pain (I know what ravaged by cancer means). His dad died from a brain cancer...that was on his pain centers. He never felt anything at all.

It is a coin toss.

But after watching the cruelty of Alzheimer in a dear friend, me? If I have enough sense to sense that is where I am going, I am going to go, myself, as fast as I can.

tbeltrans · #15 08-23-2019, 09:36 PM

I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, and not screaming like the people in the other car.

To me, dying with dignity is possible when we get to make the choice, rather than being a drain on those around us, both emotionally and financially, while being completely helpless. The best thing would be to die quickly in my sleep.

I do think that, due to the sheer number of us "baby boomers", there will be much more leeway in being able to choose when we die. We are going to be a terrible strain on our society otherwise. Historically, other societies have allowed for this when people were no longer able to contribute to the welfare and survival of their group.

It would be a step in the right direction if there was a company that hosted "sunset cruises", in which we pay some fee to go on a cruise where we are put quietly and painlessly to sleep, to never return. I would not be surprised to see this kind of thing in some form within our lifetime.

As for death itself, there should be nothing to fear, it happens to everybody at one time or another. Our society seems to have become rather fearful though with xenophobia, homophobia, claustrophobia, acrophobia, and a host of other phobias, so I guess fearing death would be "par for the course"

Tony