Song Critique Anyone?

[whimsmith]

CIGAR BOX

As a youngster he always wanted to sail
The river down to the sea
First there was school, then a job, wife with a baby to be

So he set his dreams in a cigar box, paper boat, a whistle of tin
Like Walter Mitty driving a car
Dreamed about the places he'd never been

Chorus

Life's too short to life a lie
Don't let life pass you by
Live your dreams whatever they be
'Fore that long last Cadillac ride

Then one morning he woke up early
Realized that he'd gotten old
The dreams he kept in that cigar box
Had turned to tarnished gold

The pretty tin whistle with it's piping noise
No longer made a sound
The paper boat he planned to sail had finally run aground

Open G words/music whimsmith

[Acousticado]

Hi whimsmith,

First, I think you've come up with a great title. Not that it matters, but I checked the BMI and ASCAP web-site title search feature, and in BMI, that exact title has only been used 2 times. ASCAP, none. Just thought you might be interested to know.

Regarding copyright, although original works are copyright protected at the time of creation, proving it can be another matter, and he with the deepest pockets usually wins. Regardless of your plans for this song, it's always wise to include the appropriate designation any time you present the piece -- something like the following...

CIGAR BOX
© 2004 *Your real name* All Rights Reserved

Beyond the title, the theme you've chosen is quite good too. I like that you're writing with some visuals (painting pictures with words).

Now on to some food for thought. Below, you'll notice I included your lyric with a slightly adjusted verse layout compared to what you used for V1, 2 & 4, because V3 appears to be the only one layed-out properly. This may seem like a small, insignificant point, but in reality, accurate, consistent layout helps the critic develop a better sense of the meter/flow of the song with the lyric alone (even without music) -- to be able to offer advice in their absense. Some lyrics (sans music) are so well written/structured, the words literally sing themselves off the page. Your lyric seems good in this regard, as well as tight, consistent rhyming.

On to thoughts of story development...

As a youngster he always wanted to sail
The river down to the sea
First there was school, then a job
Wife with a baby to be

One could interpret that by the end of V1, the protagonist has gone from a kid to a father-to-be. Either that, or he's a mature young man who's looking into the future...

So he set his dreams in a cigar box
Paper boat, a whistle of tin
Like Walter Mitty driving a car
Dreamed about the places he'd never been

If a kid, it makes sense that he would place a paper boat and tin whistle in a cigar box. If a young adult, it obviously wouldn't. Hmmm. Maybe it's just me that's not clear. Or, you maybe need to re-work this a bit.

Chorus

Life's too short to life a lie
Don't let life pass you by
Live your dreams whatever they be
'Fore that long last Cadillac ride

Although you've stated some interesting "tenets to live by", I see a couple of problems with the chorus:

1) You've switched from the narrator (singer) perspective in V1/2 where you're speaking "about the protagonist", to the narrator now speaking "to the listener". You could fix this by putting the chorus also into the 3rd person. There are different ways to accomplish this, but here's an example...

He felt, life's too short to live a lie
Didn't let life pass him by
Lived his dreams whatever they be
'Fore that long last Cadillac ride

2) Given what's been said in V1/V2, I don't have a clue what's gone on in the protagonist's life to suggest why he may feel this way. "Life's too short to live a lie". What lie? The listener is never told.

Then one morning he woke up early
Realized that he'd gotten old
The dreams he kept in that cigar box
Had turned to tarnished gold

Here's where I find that you've under developed a good idea you've had with the theme. I realize that story songs have a very short time to cover a lot of territory, but such is the challenge of a great lyric. To me, it just seems that you went way too quick from the protagonist being a kid and expectant father, to all of a sudden, he's old. Seems like something's missing, IMO.

The pretty tin whistle with it's piping noise
No longer made a sound
The paper boat he planned to sail
Had finally run aground

I don't understand the last line of this verse. As is the case with the chorus like I stated earkier, the last line of V4 suggests that something has gone wrong in this character's life, yet the listener is never told. As a possible solution, perhaps you could add a bridge to answer that question (one of the two primary reasons for including a bridge --to tie up loose ends in a story song).

Also, although you've only indicated that the chorus is used once, I assume you'd be repeating it again, once, maybe twice after V4? That is, unless you've intended it as an AABA structured song (which, if I'm not mistaken wouldn't normally have a V4 -- although I suppose anything's possible). Just curious.

In the end, I'm left feeling that this great title/theme could be masterfully developed -- but it has a ways to go yet.

All JMO and trying to help. Good luck!