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#91
05-23-2018, 01:26 PM
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after locking the keys in the van we had to break a window to get the drummer out
a true piece of graffiti written on the rest room wall of the Royal Festival Hall about the not universally liked conductor Sir Georg Solti aka the screaming skull " Solti doesn't know his brass from his oboe " 
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#92
05-23-2018, 01:55 PM
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Many people dont understand that guitarists are a lot better than they sound!
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#94
05-23-2018, 02:34 PM
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Q. how can you tell when two violinists are out of tune with each other?
A. when they're playing the same melody Q: what do you call a lead singer who broke up with his girlfriend? A: homeless Q: What are the two must-have requirements for a bass guitarist to get hired by a top-notch band? A: ownership of a van and a PA system Q. What do you call a trombonist who buys a datebook? A. an optimist Q. what's the difference between a road-kill possum and an oboe player? A. the possum was on his way to a gig Q. what do you call a musician who sings poorly, has few guitar skills and can't write songs? A. singer-songwriter There's not much difference between playing the banjo and not being able to play banjo at all. I really wowed them at the gig last night. Five people came up to request the same song, but what a bummer--I didn't know it! Have any of you guys heard a song called 'Further Away From Me'? Q. What's the difference between a bar band and beer salesmen? A. Nothing Blues-rock songs are characterized by amazing guitar solos, each one being several times longer than the song itself. An electric guitar player was trying out his new distortion pedal. From the next room his wife hollered "honey, i'm SO glad you're finally using that electric razor i gave you for christmas." Mandolinists spend 50% of their time tuning and 50% of their time playing out of tune. Bank robber wearing a long fake beard walks up to the teller and says "gimme all yer money!". The teller says "And all my hugs and kisses too?" Last edited by Kerbie; 05-23-2018 at 05:16 PM. Reason: Removed masked profanity
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#95
05-23-2018, 03:48 PM
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They just made me the official musician for Weight Watchers. They said the more I play, the thinner the crowd becomes.
Before my first performance, I was so nervous, I bit my fingernails. Then I learned yoga. Now I bite my toenails. I used to make money and dream of music. Now I make music and dream of money.
__________________
Eastman E1SS-CLA-LTD Eastman E1OOSS-LTD Cordoba Fusion Orchestra CE Cordoba SM-CE Mini Classical Acoustic Ibanez Blazer 21 MIJ Stratocaster 2 Yamaha PSR-SX900 keyboards I play professionally Roland FP-90 digital piano I play for pleasure with piano VSTs.
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#96
05-23-2018, 03:54 PM
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We're a three piece band. We know three pieces.
Our band is named "999 Megabytes." We almost got a gig. I come from a musical family. When I was growing up, even the sewing machine was a Singer. I made my first money in music when I was 7. My uncle gave me $10 to stop playing.
__________________
Eastman E1SS-CLA-LTD Eastman E1OOSS-LTD Cordoba Fusion Orchestra CE Cordoba SM-CE Mini Classical Acoustic Ibanez Blazer 21 MIJ Stratocaster 2 Yamaha PSR-SX900 keyboards I play professionally Roland FP-90 digital piano I play for pleasure with piano VSTs.
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#97
05-23-2018, 04:13 PM
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Q: Why are bagpipers always marching when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the sound.
__________________
----------------------------------- Creator of The Parlando Project Guitars: 20th Century Seagull S6-12, S6 Folk, Seagull M6; '00 Guild JF30-12, '01 Martin 00-15, '16 Martin 000-17, '07 Parkwood PW510, Epiphone Biscuit resonator, Merlin Dulcimer, and various electric guitars, basses....
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#98
05-23-2018, 04:16 PM
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My neighbors love my guitar playing so much that they throw rocks through the window to hear me better.
__________________
Eastman E1SS-CLA-LTD Eastman E1OOSS-LTD Cordoba Fusion Orchestra CE Cordoba SM-CE Mini Classical Acoustic Ibanez Blazer 21 MIJ Stratocaster 2 Yamaha PSR-SX900 keyboards I play professionally Roland FP-90 digital piano I play for pleasure with piano VSTs.
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#99
05-23-2018, 04:21 PM
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Last month I stopped in at the local 7-Eleven for a cup of coffee. I was only in there maybe a minute, so I didn't lock my car. In the back seat was a fully restored, pristine Guerrini piano accordion that was my grandfather's.
When I returned to my car, I discovered someone had opened the rear door and put a banjo in there with it..
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#100
05-23-2018, 07:42 PM
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Then, of course, there's the classic joke about a cab driver and a famous music venue in NYC. Here's the punchline: "Practice, practice, practice." (drum flourish optional)
__________________
La Patrie Concert Lakewood M-1 (2003) Recording King R0S-06 000 Blueridge BR-142 Recording King R0-T16 Alvarez AP66SHB
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#102
05-24-2018, 11:21 AM
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Of course I annoy the neighbours, they can't play as good as me.
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#103
05-24-2018, 11:26 AM
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How do you get a professional musician off your lawn?
Pay him for the pizza.
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#105
05-24-2018, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Just an old drum playing guitarist now.
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