Your Better Half

[Silly Moustache]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I think marriage is a trap. I no longer see any need whatsoever to be married.
I also really dislike comments such as “my better half”, or “my other half”.
A person should feel complete by themselves. One’s spouse or partner does not “complete” oneself. That is what is called a co-dependent relationship, which is very unhealthy, yet very common.

hi, I must confess that I find your point of view rather sad. Of course such things are very personal.

I had no intention of marriage as even at the age of 38, I didn't feel the need.
my wife has since confessed that the main reason she asked me to marry her was because it was likely that I'd change offices to a place where I'd mentioned had a lot of very attractive women, and she felt insecure.

That Saturday morning, sitting in the car by the side of the road. I looked in her eyes and, knowing her history, understood her need. By then (nearly ten years, I knew her strengths and her weaknesses and she knew mine. I felt no need to stay free or independant because she didn't threaten my lifestyle in any way (and I had no wish to "play the field" any more.

I said OK. That made her happy, and I;'ve never regretted it. In fact she has given me more purpose in life. My objectives now are to ensure that she is safe and secure. Unlike some of my friends - we do not live in each other's pockets. She has her pursuits and circle of female friends, and I have mine.

She has seen me through three life threatening health issues, and , frankly, I dolt think I would have survived any of them without her dedication and support.

[DCCougar]

Originally Posted by rmp

I met my wife in 9th grade in 1973. We married in 1977.

I proposed to Mrs. Cougar two weeks after I first met her. We've been married 20 years.

[raysachs]

Originally Posted by Silly Moustache

I said OK. That made her happy, and I;'ve never regretted it. In fact she has given me more purpose in life. My objectives now are to ensure that she is safe and secure. Unlike some of my friends - we do not live in each other's pockets. She has her pursuits and circle of female friends, and I have mine.

Sometimes the simple act of agreeing to get married even though it didn't mean that much to you is the first sign that you're willing to do a BIG thing for the other person because it matters to HER (or him, as the case may be). I was in the same bag and while, I didn't feel any compulsion to get married, I was happy to do it because I knew it mattered to her. I've never regretted it a single day. And, as noted before, I even ended up finding the ritual (not the legal part of it, but the ceremony) enormously moving and wonderful. Both when we did it almost 35 years ago and again when our 30 year old daughter did it a little over a month ago... Weddings can be beautiful events, even though they, like most things in life, don't come with a guarantee...

-Ray

[Jaden]

Originally Posted by fitness1

Is the constant here a married couple who has no children? It seems to me when you ad kids in the mix, it kind of squelches the exponential increase in "output and productivity".....or at least reduces it quite a bit.

As far as marriage, in and of itself, PROVIDING the good life...I would probably disagree with that concept based on how few married couples I know that are experiencing anything near that.

As Yogi said "you can observe a lot just by watching"

I do notice with younger couples more discontent than there should be - almost as if societal expectations are pulling people apart at the seams. I think the key to understanding this trend is the Baby Boomers who lived during a time in North America during mass economic growth, where now that is becoming constricted to the higher socio economic class. The Baby Boomers too revolutionized the idea of the ‘Me Generation’ which they were once known as, and unfortunately that can of worms of self interest has filtered down to the subsequent generations more than ever now, in very stark contrast to the old generation of Depression era and war time folks who arguably built the now crumbling infrastructure that allowed for America to prosper and be free.

[619TF]

Originally Posted by eatswodo

Married 32 years here, to the love of my life. Second marriage for both of us. Her finest quality (beyond the fact that she can just make me melt with her smile, and that I can turn her into a puddle of jelly rubbing the back of her head) is that she never, ever, will let me take myself too seriously.

For those of you who've never known the delight of such a relationship, look at it as something to admire, or aspire to - but not to denigrate.

That's just rude.

Almost as rude as saying that those who've never been married have "never known the delight of such a relationship". Seems to me that's a little snobbish. Such a relationship is certainly something but can also be looked at just as well without the rosy glasses...ESPECIALLY by those on the outside.

[PAPADON]

Our 50th. wedding anniversary is day after tomorrow. My take on it is that marriage is a partnership that according to statistics has at least a 50% failure rate within the first few years. Now ask yourself this question. Would you enter into a business partnership that had that kind of failure rate? Of course you wouldn't. But then love and business aren't the same thing are they. In the words of Willie Nelson.

"Sometimes it's Heaven, sometimes it's Hell."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRhjeASimSg

[Silurian]

When I met my wife, she was 17, I was 32. We were married in ten months. Due to the age gap there were plenty of people who thought it wouldn't last. 20 years and four children(all boys) later, our relationship is stronger than its ever been.

[H165]

equating of a life long commitment of family and love with government involvement.

I didn't see any "equating" going on. Our point is that they are NOT equal, they are separate. There are two marriages that happen; often simultaneously: Legal, and spiritual/ceremonial. They each have thier own, separate definition.

For some folks, government involvment is a nuisance and burden they do not need, and do not want. Particularly harmful and divisive are the "common law" relationships created in courts without the permission of the participants. These legal entanglements are created for one purpose - authoritarian control of individuals.

"but a marriage is the creation of a new family unit where there was none. Nothing is more important for partners, children or society than creating strong families. It is a sacred act."

This is an opinion, and it's clearly based in religious and personal philisophical beliefs. It's nice to see you have your own clear definition of the spiritual/ceremonial side of marriage, but it is unrelated to the legal side.

[PAPADON]

Originally Posted by Silurian

When I met my wife, she was 17, I was 32. We were married in ten months. Due to the age gap there were plenty of people who thought it wouldn't last. 20 years and four children(all boys) later, our relationship is stronger than its ever been.

Good for you. My Wife was 19 and we married 3 months after we met. 50 years later it just goes to show you never can tell.

[Jaden]

Originally Posted by PAPADON

Our 50th. wedding anniversary is day after tomorrow. My take on it is that marriage is a partnership that according to statistics has at least a 50% failure rate within the first few years. Now ask yourself this question. Would you enter into a business partnership that had that kind of failure rate? Of course you wouldn't. But then love and business aren't the same thing are they. In the words of Willie Nelson.

"Sometimes it's Heaven, sometimes it's Hell."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRhjeASimSg

Devastating good post/ quote. It certainly can run in opposite directions and extremes. Shakespeare explored one aspect of it in the play “Macbeth”, but other more subtle aspects can occur in a culture of silent (or not so) humiliation of one partner to another. The most obvious giveaway of a good relationship vs not so, is when complaints about one spouse by another is shared to others outside of the relationship, where that never occurs among couples who work out problems for themselves or in the context of private counseling, I’ve noticed.

[golfreggie]

Originally Posted by Silly Moustache

She has seen me through three life threatening health issues, and , frankly, I dolt think I would have survived any of them without her dedication and support.

You have said a mouthful in that one sentence sir! I have had a very close to dying medical issue and my wife virtually saved my life. Had I been alone I certainly would not have made it. It was sepsis. Deadly disease disguised as the flu or the worst cold in the world, until it simply starts to destroy your vital organs. BP was 60/40, temp 104 at the ER.

That aside, two complete individuals, (at least working on themselves) can contribute in a way that other relationships cannot, commitment is the key. No commitment, no success, even if you can't keep your hands off each other. Love is a choice, not an emotion. I learned that later in life after living 41 years for only me. It was a disaster. I learned how to be "other directed" and sure enough I met another "other directed" lady and we clicked and have had a fabulous 18-1/2 years. Her name is Sharon, and I praise her every chance I get. I never speak badly of her to another human being. I am truly blessed (hope I can say that) by her presence in my life. Thanks to all for sharing!

[Neil K Walk]

IMO the sole purpose for marriage is to bear and raise children. It's not about a bride "having her day" or a husband "having his way."

Marriage is not a constant, either. Feelings change. Challenges happen. Each partner is allowed to change in response to life's situations in order to rise above the challenges but not in response to the other partner's whims.

Once a child is in the mix though, all the "what's yours is yours" and "what's mine is mine" goes out the window. Then all focus should be on what's best for the family, not the adults.

I also think the whole idea of one partner taking care of the other is pure poppycock. It isn't 1955 anymore. A man and a woman are both adults and share responsibilities - even if "traditional" roles change and women advance in the workplace and men have increased "domestic" roles. It's a partnership; a blending. Marrying someone isn't the same as adopting somebody else, it's about thinking about them before you. If one spouse needs to "take care" of the other then it should be "in sickness and in health" and not "my role is to stay home and do the laundry and dishes so I abdicate all my decision making responsibilities to you because I'm your dependent" or "I'll let you go to book club or go visit your parents because you deserve a break." That implies that there is a superior and inferior codependency thing going on. That's not marriage, that's codependency.

So do I feel that my wife my "better half?" No. We each have our strengths and different roles to serve our children and aging parents. I like to think that I'm more empathic than she is but that she can be more reasonable in certain situations. My only gripe is that we don't make enough time for each other - but I'm hoping that that opportunity arises when other challenges are worked out.

[raysachs]

Originally Posted by H165

For some folks, government involvment is a nuisance and burden they do not need, and do not want. Particularly harmful and divisive are the "common law" relationships created in courts without the permission of the participants. These legal entanglements are created for one purpose - authoritarian control of individuals.

I agree that some people would rather be free of the government involvement and it should be their right to be. But I disagree that the point of legal marriage and common law status is the "authoritarian control of individuals". It's generally in place to protect the interests of a lower or non breadwinning partner and / or any children that come from the relationship. When my folks got married in 1941, that was the only legal/financial protection my mother would have had, if my father, say, had been killed in WWII or, if he'd come back and they'd had kids and then he left her 10-20 years later. She never worked outside the home, she stayed with the kids and took care of the homefront while he worked. It was far from an equal relationship financially and if it had gone bad without legal protections, and if my Dad had been a jerk, he could have left her and us kids in a really bad place.

By the time my wife and I got married, things were different. My wife and i ended up having roughly equal earning power over the course of our working lives, but there were still a larger percentage of couples where that was not the case. And it wasn't the case for us when our kids were little - I was working for a paycheck, she wasn't. In today's world, my older daughter is a physician and now is very well paid, and is living with a guy who's been a tradesman and plans to continue to be. So far, they haven't shown any inclination to marry and if they should split, they'll both be fine (although I'd argue he should be due something for taking amazing care of her through her residency). But if they get to the point of having kids, he would probably stay home with them long term, after she's past her maternity leave period. And I would imagine he would want the protection of some sort of legality, whether by their choice or by common law in case they should split up during a period where she's making essentially ALL the money in the relationship.

So there are reasons for it that aren't authoritarian, and it's probably done more good than harm over the many decades those laws have been in place.

[Dirk Hofman]

Originally Posted by Jaden

I do notice with younger couples more discontent than there should be - almost as if societal expectations are pulling people apart at the seams. I think the key to understanding this trend is the Baby Boomers who lived during a time in North America during mass economic growth, where now that is becoming constricted to the higher socio economic class. The Baby Boomers too revolutionized the idea of the ‘Me Generation’ which they were once known as, and unfortunately that can of worms of self interest has filtered down to the subsequent generations more than ever now, in very stark contrast to the old generation of Depression era and war time folks who arguably built the now crumbling infrastructure that allowed for America to prosper and be free.

Not what I see in my world. I find the younger generations far more concerned with others than my Generation X and certainly the Boomers. More concern about the planet and future generations, about justice and a fair shake for everyone, far less motivated by money and greed, and more tolerant of differences. And it's not close. I have high hopes for the changing of the guard.

[agfsteve]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

IMO the sole purpose for marriage is to bear and raise children.

So when two people in their fifties get married, you're saying it's so that they can have a baby?