My dad is dying.

dermeister1331 · #1 02-20-2021, 02:13 AM

Hello all. Ironically, I’m having a cigarette as I type this out on my phone, but I wanted to share anyway, purely for the sake of putting this out into the void. My dad is dying. He’s 87 and has terminal lung cancer, and will be beginning hospice. I’m reticent to discuss this with my closest friends,as I just don’t want to talk if that makes sense. I’m only mentioning here because my dad is the guy who got me in to guitar in the first place. Here’s a pic of him back in Vietnam, around 1967.

Kerbie · #2 02-20-2021, 02:49 AM

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he has had a long, full life... looks like he enjoyed his music. Thoughts are with you.

Fogducker · #3 02-20-2021, 05:12 AM

I'm in my 80's too and have been saying lately that my set of years came at the perfect time (With the exception of Viet Nam of course). High school in the 50's, college in 60's when one could get in and afford it, 70's, 80's, etc. just a nice time to live one's life----Oh yeah, he seems to have raised a good kid too!

If your dad was 187, you'd feel just as bad. There IS an end but it isn't written anywhere that it's a pleasant experience. It sounds like your dad has the medical community with him to help him to exit, sans pain. It's hardly something to celebrate but you have the luxury of time to say good-bye and ease his end of life.------ so get to it and good luck to you!

Fog

KenL · #4 02-20-2021, 05:57 AM

My dad died of lung cancer in 1994 after about a week of hospice.

Today is his birthday, he would be 89. I still miss him terribly.

You're not alone in this, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Nimiety · #5 02-20-2021, 06:21 AM

It's very difficult.

I was with my Dad when he passed away, of cancer, 29 years ago. He was 63. He would have been 92 if he had lived. I still think about him all the time.

My Mom died a few months later, also of cancer, and also at 63.

It would have been wonderful if they had had a few more, quality, years. I have no words of wisdom, life is a grab bag, but if there is anything you want, or need, to discuss with your dad, please have that discussion now. Don't put it off.

dbintegrity · #6 02-20-2021, 07:05 AM

So sorry to hear, not that its any consolation but looks like your Dad lived a good long life... My Dad passed suddenly just a couple of years ago at the breakfast table at the age of 75 with just my Mom at his side... He was too young and unfortunately we never had the chance to say goodbye...

I play golf in a mens club and one of my friends is 82.... One day while we were playing golf, we discussed nearly exactly what Fog wrote below.... it is true...The people who grew up and lived through those times were blessed... I really feel for the future generations... not sure what kind of life they will have... Hang in there and be grateful for the life he has had....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fogducker

I'm in my 80's too and have been saying lately that my set of years came at the perfect time (With the exception of Viet Nam of course). High school in the 50's, college in 60's when one could get in and afford it, 70's, 80's, etc. just a nice time to live one's life----Oh yeah, he seems to have raised a good kid too!

If your dad was 187, you'd feel just as bad. There IS an end but it isn't written anywhere that it's a pleasant experience. It sounds like your dad has the medical community with him to help him to exit, sans pain. It's hardly something to celebrate but you have the luxury of time to say good-bye and ease his end of life.------ so get to it and good luck to you!

Fog

Bob Womack · #7 02-20-2021, 07:10 AM

I'm sorry for your pain. I went through the same thing when my father passed back in 2015. My father was my best friend besides my wife. With an IQ of 160, he was also the most intelligent man in my life. He was both gentle and strong. In his last three days my mother asked me to write his obituary and a eulogy to give at his funeral. It is very tough to sum up a person in a few paragraphs, but compiling the salient points of his life and their meaning to me and then condensing all that down into a precise article and a short eulogy was very therapeutic for me. The most prominent thought for me? "He was a man at peace with his world and at peace with his God."

The pain you feel is a reflection of how much he meant to you. Don't avoid it, but face it. Begin now turning the little individual feelings of loss into positive reminders of how much you loved him and how important he was to you.

There will probably be a period of "grayness" in your life afterwards. That is entirely normal. It will lift. Mine lasted about three months.

All the best,

Bob

PS. By the way, that is an interesting guitar in the picture!

norseman · #8 02-20-2021, 07:26 AM

Death is a fact of life, but that doesn't make it any easier to embrace. I'm 80 years old (with major health issues) so my day of reckoning can't be far off. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I'm not immortal, but the simple act of accepting the inevitability of death brings with it a fatalistic outlook that eases our angst. I believe loved ones who are left behind confront the hardest aspects of death. If we fail to discuss death with our kin, we miss the opportunity to ease their grief. Polite society avoids such discussions and that is unfortunate.

raysachs · #9 02-20-2021, 07:42 AM

My heart is with you and your family. My folks both passed over 16 years ago, both in their '80s. Whether they go easy or hard, ready or not, whether you have time to prepare yourself for it or not, it's just a gutting sadness when they go. They're you, where you came from. You'll probably get to the point after a few years where it hurts less and it's mostly good memories of them and you mostly forget the hard last days. But I don't think you ever stop missing them. I haven't.

-Ray

Sage97 · #10 02-20-2021, 07:44 AM

Very sorry to hear. I lost mine 3 months ago to prostate cancer. Make every day count and make sure he knows he is loved.

Dru Edwards · #11 02-20-2021, 07:48 AM

So sorry to hear. That's a great pic of your dad and a wonderful way to acknowledge his influence on you.

Jim Owen · #12 02-20-2021, 08:09 AM

I’m sorry, dermeister. That's a great picture of your dad, a wonderful tribute to his love for music.

srick · #13 02-20-2021, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fogducker

If your dad was 187, you'd feel just as bad. There IS an end but it isn't written anywhere that it's a pleasant experience. It sounds like your dad has the medical community with him to help him to exit, sans pain. It's hardly something to celebrate but you have the luxury of time to say good-bye and ease his end of life.------ so get to it and good luck to you!

Fog

True words, Fog. And in the future, every time you look in the mirror, every time you speak, every time you play your guitar, your Dad will be there with you.

This mortality thing can be pretty depressing, but your Dad is not dead yet, so make the best of the time you have. It's time to talk about all of the best times you both have had and live in the moment.

Peace to you Dermeister.

Rick

Mr. Jelly · #14 02-20-2021, 09:34 AM

He will always live on in you and everything he and you have ever touched. Take care.

elninobaby · #15 02-20-2021, 10:07 AM

Nice memories—and very sorry about his condition. Do you play songs that he also played? That’ll be a good way to keep his memory alive. My mother died 33 years ago (!) at 63, and I still connect certain songs with her. She wasn’t a guitarist, but she loved to sing. I’ll also remember her singing “Vaya Con Dios” around the house.