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  #91  
Old 05-23-2018, 01:26 PM
Moocheng Moocheng is offline
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after locking the keys in the van we had to break a window to get the drummer out


a true piece of graffiti written on the rest room wall of the Royal Festival Hall about the not universally liked conductor Sir Georg Solti aka the screaming skull

" Solti doesn't know his brass from his oboe "
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  #92  
Old 05-23-2018, 01:55 PM
janepaints janepaints is offline
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Many people dont understand that guitarists are a lot better than they sound!
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  #93  
Old 05-23-2018, 01:59 PM
samcclark samcclark is offline
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What's the difference between a frog and a trombone player?

The frog's got a gig.
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  #94  
Old 05-23-2018, 02:34 PM
janepaints janepaints is offline
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Q. how can you tell when two violinists are out of tune with each other?
A. when they're playing the same melody

Q: what do you call a lead singer who broke up with his girlfriend?
A: homeless

Q: What are the two must-have requirements for a bass guitarist to get hired by a top-notch band?
A: ownership of a van and a PA system

Q. What do you call a trombonist who buys a datebook?
A. an optimist

Q. what's the difference between a road-kill possum and an oboe player?
A. the possum was on his way to a gig

Q. what do you call a musician who sings poorly, has few guitar skills and can't write songs?
A. singer-songwriter

There's not much difference between playing the banjo and not being able to play banjo at all.

I really wowed them at the gig last night. Five people came up to request the same song, but what a bummer--I didn't know it! Have any of you guys heard a song called 'Further Away From Me'?

Q. What's the difference between a bar band and beer salesmen?
A. Nothing

Blues-rock songs are characterized by amazing guitar solos, each one being several times longer than the song itself.

An electric guitar player was trying out his new distortion pedal. From the next room his wife hollered "honey, i'm SO glad you're finally using that electric razor i gave you for christmas."

Mandolinists spend 50% of their time tuning and 50% of their time playing out of tune.

Bank robber wearing a long fake beard walks up to the teller and says "gimme all yer money!". The teller says "And all my hugs and kisses too?"

Last edited by Kerbie; 05-23-2018 at 05:16 PM. Reason: Removed masked profanity
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  #95  
Old 05-23-2018, 03:48 PM
Beakybird Beakybird is offline
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They just made me the official musician for Weight Watchers. They said the more I play, the thinner the crowd becomes.

Before my first performance, I was so nervous, I bit my fingernails.
Then I learned yoga.
Now I bite my toenails.

I used to make money and dream of music. Now I make music and dream of money.
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  #96  
Old 05-23-2018, 03:54 PM
Beakybird Beakybird is offline
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We're a three piece band. We know three pieces.

Our band is named "999 Megabytes." We almost got a gig.

I come from a musical family. When I was growing up, even the sewing machine was a Singer.

I made my first money in music when I was 7. My uncle gave me $10 to stop playing.
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  #97  
Old 05-23-2018, 04:13 PM
FrankHudson FrankHudson is offline
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Q: Why are bagpipers always marching when they play?

A: They're trying to get away from the sound.
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  #98  
Old 05-23-2018, 04:16 PM
Beakybird Beakybird is offline
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My neighbors love my guitar playing so much that they throw rocks through the window to hear me better.
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  #99  
Old 05-23-2018, 04:21 PM
Peegoo Peegoo is offline
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Last month I stopped in at the local 7-Eleven for a cup of coffee. I was only in there maybe a minute, so I didn't lock my car. In the back seat was a fully restored, pristine Guerrini piano accordion that was my grandfather's.

When I returned to my car, I discovered someone had opened the rear door and put a banjo in there with it..
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  #100  
Old 05-23-2018, 07:42 PM
rmgjsps rmgjsps is offline
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Then, of course, there's the classic joke about a cab driver and a famous music venue in NYC. Here's the punchline: "Practice, practice, practice." (drum flourish optional)
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  #101  
Old 05-24-2018, 10:36 AM
paulin paulin is offline
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Q: What is the best tool to tune a banjo?

A: Wire cutters!
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  #102  
Old 05-24-2018, 11:21 AM
Ozzy the dog Ozzy the dog is offline
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Of course I annoy the neighbours, they can't play as good as me.

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  #103  
Old 05-24-2018, 11:26 AM
GeneralDreedle GeneralDreedle is offline
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How do you get a professional musician off your lawn?

Pay him for the pizza.
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  #104  
Old 05-24-2018, 11:37 AM
BFD BFD is offline
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A couple of aspiring jam band guitarists go fishing. After a few beers, one falls overboard and screams "Help, I can't swim!"....."Just fake it" the other replies.
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  #105  
Old 05-24-2018, 12:58 PM
Johnny K Johnny K is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerry D View Post
What's the definition of an professional guitarist? He loads $5,000.00 worth of equipment into a $500.00 car and drives 50 miles to play a $50.00 gig.
BTDT. LMAO!
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