The big D

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by Steve-arino

Thankfully, my ex and I worked out an amicable divorce through a mediator (not a lawyer) and split whatever we had down the middle. A mediator is a relatively cheap path; we had other friends who had divorced and spent a fortune on attorneys with no gain for anyone but the attorneys.

I read about that, using a mediator. Saves a lot of time and money.
However the key is what you said in your post, "amicable".
If one or both sides/spouses don't want to play nice, then you
have to go the lawyer route.

[RedJoker]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I read about that, using a mediator. Saves a lot of time and money.
However the key is what you said in your post, "amicable".
If one or both sides/spouses don't want to play nice, then you
have to go the lawyer route.

My ex and I worked everything out ourselves and just used one lawyer. Realistically speaking I couldn't really sue her, no matter what she did. She still would have ended up with half of everything. I just swallowed my pride (no matter how I felt) and divided everything up. It was far cheaper and, in hindsight, probably less painful.

[seannx]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I read about that, using a mediator. Saves a lot of time and money.
However the key is what you said in your post, "amicable".
If one or both sides/spouses don't want to play nice, then you
have to go the lawyer route.

My first and third divorces were mediated. Number two was simple, with no shared assets or kids. We worked everything out in one conversation, and a paralegal prepared the docs.

In the first case, we had two sessions with a mediator. It went amicably, and was fair for all.

Number three took seven months to mediate, and we both had our own lawyers. I learned so much from the mediator, who was excellent. It could have gone faster, but my ex pushed every part of the negotiation to the max. In the end I was okay with the result, but any shred of love or respect for her was gone. One of the "jokes" often told about divorce, goes something like "If you want to know a woman marry her, if you really want to know her, get divorced." I'm sure it works both ways.

With every part and issue, the mediator would review the legalities, as well as the probability of how it would go down in court. I made concessions, but held my bottom line. She made none, and exhibited not the slightest trace of empathy. I came from a place of considering both our needs, and my friends, kids, and relatives that knew the final terms all agreed that I was generous and fair. My point in relating this is to encourage you to get sound legal advice, and go through the process in a way that your conscience will be clear, with no regrets as to how you act through the proceedings.

As others have said, working it out yourselves with a lawyer can be the most economical.

Mediation comes next.

Having joint sessions, with each having a lawyer present to negotiate, will cost more.

Battling it out in court is the most expensive.

I wish you the best in a difficult situation.

[TaoMaas]

Sorry to hear about your situation. This is no consolation, but if you didn't love her, it wouldn't hurt. However, there IS life after a divorce. This is sexist, but something I've noticed is that, if you're middle aged, there seems to be far more good women available out there than good men. I know a number of women in their 40's and 50's that I can't understand why they're single. The reality seems to be that many of the available men in their age range either drink, do drugs, or won't hold a job. Don't hop immediately back into another relationship, though. Wait at least a year before making any big changes to your life.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by 00Buck

Divorced from my grade school sweetheart after 28 years together and 18 years of marriage. It was crushing, but necessary. I poured all my energy into work. One day about 4 months later, I woke up and said to myself, "What am I going to do today?" The answer came in the same thought, "Anything I want to." It was a new day.

A couple of my very good friends who I was counseling at the time of their divorces told me later on that the best thing I had said to them was that they had a blank canvas and it was up to them to paint it.

[WilliamTK1974]

I was married for nine years and we'd dated a good five years prior to that. We were college sweethearts. The marriage started off more or less average, but took some strange turns as time went by. Wife ended up breaking my trust. I know there are two sides to every story and I'm not claiming to be perfect, but breaking trust is just a step too far. Like she showed her true colors.

It was a hurtful experience, but I came out OK. I hate divorce and it wasn't done lightly. You likely feel the same way. It'll hurt, but you'll be OK, too.

[AmericanEagle]

Divorce is like having all your healthy teeth pulled-out, one at a time, slowly, while completely awake, using no novocaine.

[The Bard Rocks]

I never thought it could happen to me. People in my family don't do that. But my first wife had other ideas and she got her way. We were fair to each other and, for the sake of our son, parted amicably. Thank God.

A year later, I became involved with my wife today - life is SO much better than it ever was or could have been with #1. Though I was plenty hurt when it happened, after I was with Janet for a short while, I realized how much better off I am for the divorce.

#1 and I met right after affairs for both of us had ended. Don't do that - give yourself time to heal and to think straight. Then, and only then, you can start looking around for someone else.

The other thing, maybe you won't divorce and the two of you will come out of this stronger than ever. One has to remember to work at a marriage; it takes some care and feeding. Two people don't automatically just live happily ever after.

[guitar george]

Each of you should listen to this song many times.

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by The Bard Rocks

The other thing, maybe you won't divorce and the two of you will come out of this stronger than ever. One has to remember to work at a marriage; it takes some care and feeding. Two people don't automatically just live happily ever after.

I agree with your statements.
I feel I am putting-in my effort,
but my wife is not putting enough
of her effort in.

[MrDB]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I agree with your statements.
I feel I am putting-in my effort,
but my wife is not putting enough
of her effort in.

You making a legitimate effort to make things work will serve you well in the future. If things don't work out you will know you did the best you could.

[1neeto]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I agree with your statements.

I feel I am putting-in my effort,

but my wife is not putting enough

of her effort in.

Marriage is a team effort for it to work out. Let her know you’re doing everything you can to salvage it and ask her if she’s doing the same or if she’s just done. No sense to try if she’s not trying as hard.

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by WilliamTK1974

It was a hurtful experience, but I came out OK. I hate divorce and it wasn't done lightly. You likely feel the same way. It'll hurt, but you'll be OK, too.

I don’t handle stress and big changes well, and am afraid of being alone.

[Tico]

I know from experience that the only thing worse than divorce is staying in a bad marriage.

I did a 13-year, then just ended a 16 year a month ago.

[Dirk Hofman]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I don’t handle stress and big changes well, and am afraid of being alone.

What I don't know about your situation is a lot, but I think more of us than one might think would have some of those feelings in your place.

Wish I could say something helpful, but all I can muster is that I'm pulling for you to get through this.