Jokes for performing, musician jokes?

[rmyAddison]

My favorite gigs are dinner concerts where you have a captive audience, they eat dinner, have dessert, then you perform while they relax and have cocktails. Not easy to book, but the most fun!

I try to be storyteller but many of my songs are sad to downright depressing, so I tell jokes in between to keep people from committing suicide.

I usually open with "Folks this is a pretty nice Martin guitar, if you really don't like what I'm doing.............please aim for my head!"

I will definitel steal Miche's joke from his vodeo:

"What's the difference between a Pizza and a musician?"
"A Pizza can feed a family of four!"
Perfect!

Here's a musician joke, actually a Bluegrasser, and I would love folks to post any more good stage or music jokes.

A guitar player walks into and Oriental antique shop, there are many beautiful small statues of animals that the Chinese use in their culture (year of the dragon, etc). One in particular is just amazing in detail, a small rat, and the player asks the owner what it costs?

The owner says the rat is one dollar, but if you want the story behind it, then it's one thousand dollars. Being a starving musician the guy passes on the thousand dollars and buys the rat without "the story behind it."

He's about a block away from the store when he hears a noise behind him and sees a rat following him, a block later there are more rats, in fact rats are coming from every direction! He gets scared and starts to run, there are millions of rats, he reaches the end of town and there is a old tree in front of a cliff. He jumps into the tree and when the rats start climbing up he throws the statue over the cliff............all the rats follow the statue over the cliff and are killed!

When he regains his composure he walks back to the antique store, the old gentleman greets him and says, so have you decided to come back for "the rest of the story?

No, says the musician, I was wondering if you have any statues of banjo players!!


Your turn....................

[ayavner]

"Just to get people loosened up, I used to tell them they could take a shot any time I made a mistake. That worked pretty well, right up till that NRA convention gig..."

heard when introducing 1952 Vincent Black Lightning -

"Like any good song, this is a love song. And like any good love song, this one is about a motorcycle..."

[Joe F]

Originally Posted by rmyAddison

No, says the musician, I was wondering if you have any statues of banjo players!!

[Sordello]

"If you want to request a Leonard Cohen song, choose wisely: the Mental Health Association of America only lets us play one Leonard Cohen song per night."

"I was playing a gig in New York last night, and asked for requests. A guy said can you play ' Over the Hills and Far Away'? ... So that's why I'm here in Chicago tonight."

"My ex-girlfriend was a songwriter. Once she said, "give me your guitar and I'll write you a song!" So I gave her my guitar.... it took a month to get all the ink off the wood!!"

(If a couple in the audience are celebrating an anniversary...)

"Really!? How long have you been married? .... XX years! Great. I knew someone who was married XX years - he said in all his marriage, he had never spoken to his wife even once! I said "C'mon... in XX years you never spoke to your wife even once?? How come?"
The guy said, "I didn't want to interrupt her."

[ljguitar]

Hi Rich...

Pretty stock I'm afraid:

Q-How do you get a musician off your porch?
A-Pay for the Pizza

Q-What's the first thing a musician says at work every day
A-Will you have fries with that order?

Q-What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A-You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

[MikeTX]

Perfect Pitch?

That's when you toss the saxophone over to the corner and it lands on the banjo.

(Steve said accordian, but I hate sax solos, so...)

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How many lead guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

One - they just stand there and expect the world to revolve around them...

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I know, I KNOW - old guy, old jokes... :-)

[usb_chord]

Saw this one here a long time ago (paraphrased):


"What's the difference between a jazz musician and a pop star?

A jazz musician plays 30,000 chords in front of 3 people..."

[Fambroski]

I suppose this is mean but it kills me:

A sax player is sitting on the edge of his window sill of his tenth floor apartment. Deep into what he is doing, he looses his balance and falls the ten floors, hits the canvas awning, crashes down on a taxi cab totally uninjured. A man rushes over to him and sees that he doesn't even have a scratch. "Wow",he says, "you must be the luckiest sax player in the world!" The sax player looks up at him "no, that would be Kenny G..."

[riorider]

This site has a lot of guitar / musician jokes:
http://www.acousticfingerstyle.com/jokes.htm

I thought of one but haven't used it. "We're going to play the old game 'Stump the Band'. If you can guess the next song I'm going to do, I'll be stumped!"

Needs a little work but I like those "left-turn" jokes..

rr

[Mr. Dave]

Two banjo players and a musician walk into a bar...

Q: How can you tell when there is an opera singer at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? He had to break a window to let the bass player out.

How does a bluegrass band know when the stage is level? The bass player is drooling out of both side of his mouth.

[mike o]

What do you call a musician w/o a girl friend? Homeless

[Fambroski]

Mick: So you play the Banjo?
Buzz: No, but my mom beat me with a banjo. I think God was trying to tell me something.

From "Guitar Lesson #07" Musicians Are Never Bored:
http://www.youtube.com/user/mfambro#p/u/19/7byWHmgEsLA

[Frank Roberts]

What do you call a lead guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you say to a bass player who's wearing a suit?

Will the defendant please rise.

Whoops! Mike O beat me to the homeless joke.

[cafeguy]

Just before a break....."We're going to take a quick break to thank you for coming...eat some of your food..."


Tipping It's not just for cows anymore

What do you call the wife of a hippie.......Mississippi

[nervoussturgeon]

Here's an old one I kind of like:

"I got a request for this next song, but I'm going to play it anyway."

Corny but fun if you give it a little Groucho....