How would you improve this song?

[foxo]

A while ago I started a thread where the general consensus was that my fast fingerpicking patterns don’t work well in the context of my music. I’ve tried slowing things down and adding hammer ons - it works for some songs - but beyond that I’m kind of at a loss of how to improve within my current skill level on guitar.

I think this is one of my stronger songs and I’m happy with the lyrics and vocal melody. I’m really curious how a more skilled guitarist would approach it though. What would you do differently and how do you suggest I improve? Your honest feedback and criticism would he much appreciated.



If you fancy a stab at it here’s the chords to the verse and chorus.



They spilt my blood upon the stone
And stripped my flesh down to the bone
Destroyed my crown and burnt my throne
And left me here to drift alone

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

Cast adrift the crimson river
Where deathly voices softly whisper
Where poison serpents sneak and slither
And all good things just die and wither

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

This worst of trials seem without end
I know not who is foe nor friend
I’ve nothing left to pawn or spend
Eternity’s around the bend

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

[foxo]

A wee bump as thread was moved from Show and Tell.

[catdaddy]

Neil, just a couple of suggestions:

I like the song and your performance, but feel that you should capo up a half-step or two from where you have it on the video. I think it would better suit your voice, and the higher register would perhaps add a bit more sparkle to the sound of the guitar. Give it a try and see what you think.

Secondly, I notice that your picking pattern doesn't seem to include the 1st (high E) string. I think by occasionally (trial and error as to how often to do it) including the 1st string as part of your pattern it could add some variety and make your accompaniment more interesting and somewhat less drone-like.

I wish you the best in perfecting your craft. You have a talent for songwriting and I think working to make the best of your presentation as you're doing will reap rewards for you.

[Bushleague]

Disclaimer, I'm not a great finger style player, but I am pretty good with arrangement... and personally I would play an alternating bassline at half that speed but pluck two single notes between each bass note. Your speed would stay the same but you'd get more of a "Bum-diddy, Bum-diddy" groove happening. You could occasionally add more plucked notes and some simple bass runs, but I'd build it around that rhythm.

Too, at the "Long way home" part I would thin things out and accent those lines with some great big cowboy chord strums, doesnt need anything anything real fancy just a big strum on each line and maybe a through chord or two in-between.

Edit: with your cryptic lyrics and those rhythm changes, what I hear in my mind would kind of end up in territory similar to Johnny Cash's cover of "Rusty Cage", so give that a listen for more of an idea what I'm talking about.

https://youtu.be/9CrBqRb3VGM

[Joe Beamish]

You might play around with other voicings. Go up the neck while leaving some of the chord tones to an open string or two.

I agree also with the above suggestion to include more treble notes ringing out.

The song has a Jackson Frank vibe, which is a good thing.

[foxo]

Thanks very much for the advice so far folks. Food for thought.

[Mbroady]

Edit - Did not focus on the music as much as the lyrics, cause i really like them So please ..............................

Take all this with a grain of salt...........and FWIW

I think melodically you have something very nice, and the lyrics and music go well together (prosody)

I also like the metaphorical images but (take a deep breath) is seems to be all metaphor without any tangible meaning. Not saying it does not have meaning (to you), but as much as i love the language, i would like to know more about the "who, what. where, and why" without having to work to hard.


Can you tell me/us in simple concreate ways what you mean by
"I saw the fire through the thorns"
Or "the coming storm". i know you don't mean storm laterally....
These are great lines but what fire? What storm?

Giving us something literal to grab on to, to say what you mean without every line being a metaphor i think it would strengthen the song.

if you can incorporate that in every verse, while still maintaining your sense of poetic language, then it would give the listener the "furniture" needed to grab onto

One last thought. The AAAA rhyme in each verse has the potential to be fatiguing to the ear. perhaps experiment with AAAB rhymes. a great example of this (which also includes inner rhymes) is Louis Armstrong's “What A Wonderful World.” The Beatles as well as Bob Dylan made good use of the AAAB rhyme

Enjoy the Journey. Great potential on this song

[foxo]

Originally Posted by Mbroady

Edit - Did not focus on the music as much as the lyrics, cause i really like them So please ..............................

Take all this with a grain of salt...........and FWIW

I think melodically you have something very nice, and the lyrics and music go well together (prosody)

I also like the metaphorical images but (take a deep breath) is seems to be all metaphor without any tangible meaning. Not saying it does not have meaning (to you), but as much as i love the language, i would like to know more about the "who, what. where, and why" without having to work to hard.


Can you tell me/us in simple concreate ways what you mean by
"I saw the fire through the thorns"
Or "the coming storm". i know you don't mean storm laterally....
These are great lines but what fire? What storm?

Giving us something literal to grab on to, to say what you mean without every line being a metaphor i think it would strengthen the song.

if you can incorporate that in every verse, while still maintaining your sense of poetic language, then it would give the listener the "furniture" needed to grab onto

One last thought. The AAAA rhyme in each verse has the potential to be fatiguing to the ear. perhaps experiment with AAAB rhymes. a great example of this (which also includes inner rhymes) is Louis Armstrong's “What A Wonderful World.” The Beatles as well as Bob Dylan made good use of the AAAB rhyme

Enjoy the Journey. Great potential on this song

Thanks for your feedback, no insult taken. I don’t normally explain my songs but I’m not so much aiming at relentless metaphors as trying to tell a story based on biblical and ancient Egyptian lore alongside my own imagination. I was influenced by songs like Changing of the Guards by Bob Dylan.

I’m not too keen to change the lyrics as I like to write lyrics in one or two sittings then leave it at that and focus on the melody and arrangement once I’ve said what I intended to say, but I’ll keep in mind your feedback when writing in future and maybe try out an AAAB rhyming scheme too.

[mr. beaumont]

I am not a lyricist, so I will not comment on that part, just the guitar playing.

I actually think the fast finger picking suits this sone quite well, maybe much more so than the song you posted a few weeks back. There's a bit of darkness here, I could hear a little slide guitar or something in between some of the vocal phrases, for an accent.

I guess at some point, you'll have to figure out more variation in your self accompaniment, but for this, go with it.

[foxo]

Originally Posted by mr. beaumont

I am not a lyricist, so I will not comment on that part, just the guitar playing.

I actually think the fast finger picking suits this sone quite well, maybe much more so than the song you posted a few weeks back. There's a bit of darkness here, I could hear a little slide guitar or something in between some of the vocal phrases, for an accent.

I guess at some point, you'll have to figure out more variation in your self accompaniment, but for this, go with it.

Thanks. I don’t feel quite ready to drop the fast fingerpicking entirely, I’m glad you think it has its place.

[Bushleague]

Originally Posted by foxo

Thanks for your feedback, no insult taken. I don’t normally explain my songs but I’m not so much aiming at relentless metaphors as trying to tell a story based on biblical and ancient Egyptian lore alongside my own imagination. I was influenced by songs like Changing of the Guards by Bob Dylan.

I’m not too keen to change the lyrics as I like to write lyrics in one or two sittings then leave it at that and focus on the melody and arrangement once I’ve said what I intended to say, but I’ll keep in mind your feedback when writing in future and maybe try out an AAAB rhyming scheme too.

Frankly, I disagree with Brody, I like the lyrics and as a guy that seems trapped in writing blunt, literal lyrics I appreciate guys that can write more vague, symbolic stuff where the absolute meaning is less concrete to the listener.

That said, while I dont think your finger picking needs to be slower per-se, the music lacks and desperately needs a groove and some change ups, cutting your bass notes in half and using some strums will achieve this without needing to drastically change anything. JMO.

[Joe Beamish]

It all comes down to what you feel in your heart and what you want to say through the song.

That’s why I mentioned Jackson Frank above. He strikes a certain mood. I think of Nick Drake. Or think of Bob Dylan when he is simply playing a solo acoustic guitar, such as on his album World Gone Wrong. Or Neil Young. They’re all going through the heart and the guts. That’s the world your song is in.

It doesn’t matter whether you vary up your technique or not. What matters is what you are trying to say. The technique follows, it doesn’t lead.

Writing song is the greatest thing you can do. It’s better than any degree of excellence in playing your instrument. So do whatever supports the song.

[islandguitar]

"That said, while I dont think your finger picking needs to be slower per-se, the music lacks and desperately needs a groove and some change ups, cutting your bass notes in half and using some strums will achieve this without needing to drastically change anything"

I'm leaning toward this ^^

I think if you throw some inversions in there up the fretboard on those chords, some strums where it fits (for you), that little groove might come into place. And, also, you mentioned working on hammer ons, but I don't see any here.......see what you can do with that?
Some kind of guitar refrain that you work out would fit. Like after the third verse, take a moment to offer something on just guitar to give it "flavor" before returning to your lyrics.

[Mbroady]

Originally Posted by Bushleague

Frankly, I disagree with Brody, I like the lyrics and as a guy that seems trapped in writing blunt, literal lyrics I appreciate guys that can write more vague symbolic stuff where the absolute meaning is less concrete to the listener.

That said, while I dont think your finger picking needs to be slower per-se, the music lacks and desperately needs a groove and some change ups, cutting your bass notes in half and using some strums will achieve this without needing to drastically change anything. JMO.

Definitely a valid view point. Vague works for many songs/writers/listeners. I do appreciate the poetic license of the lyrics as they are. But once the OP mentioned the biblical reference it all clicked for me.

I guess it all comes down to the intent and preference of the writer. As the listener my preference (sometimes) is to have a reference to hang on to. Sometimes all that is needed is one line or one word to ground you.

In regards to the music I think it’s great. I do agree with the folks that say try different inversions up the neck to add a sonic variety in the different verses.

[Howard Emerson]

Originally Posted by foxo

A while ago I started a thread where the general consensus was that my fast fingerpicking patterns don’t work well in the context of my music. I’ve tried slowing things down and adding hammer ons - it works for some songs - but beyond that I’m kind of at a loss of how to improve within my current skill level on guitar.

I think this is one of my stronger songs and I’m happy with the lyrics and vocal melody. I’m really curious how a more skilled guitarist would approach it though. What would you do differently and how do you suggest I improve? Your honest feedback and criticism would he much appreciated.



If you fancy a stab at it here’s the chords to the verse and chorus.



They spilt my blood upon the stone
And stripped my flesh down to the bone
Destroyed my crown and burnt my throne
And left me here to drift alone

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

Cast adrift the crimson river
Where deathly voices softly whisper
Where poison serpents sneak and slither
And all good things just die and wither

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

This worst of trials seem without end
I know not who is foe nor friend
I’ve nothing left to pawn or spend
Eternity’s around the bend

It’s a long road home
It’s a long road home
O sweet angel
Take me home

Neil,
First and foremost I would move that capo up 2 frets. It'll force you to confront the lyrics in the stronger voice that's lurking in the shadows. This is not a happy song, so get emotional and let it hang out.

The velocity of the pattern settles in after about 20 seconds or so, and is much more consistent at that point. However, the overall feel would greatly improve if you'd ditch the root/fifth pattern you're stuck on.

On your I chord (A shape) I'd try playing the same 'rolling' pattern but playing the bass 5/4/6/4, etc so that there is an implied half time underpinning the running movement of the top strings. On your dominant VII chord (G shape) you could easily do a 6/5/4/5 'walk up'.

On your IV chord (D shape) you could play 4/6/5/4 on the bass strings to lead you right back to the I chord.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Best regards,
Howard Emerson