How to deal with "that" guy at a jam

[Jeffreykip]

Mandobart,
That's a REALLY good list. I think I might add that:

Everyone should be in tune before you start. With the rise of headstock tuners, there is no excuse for being out of tune or needing to silence others to tune up.

The "leader" should be attentive and call out chord changes on the fly if she/he sees others lagging behind, and maybe call out when you come into the bridge, etc.

I think n2 is turning out to be key - pick songs you all know. Otherwise, you are not really jamming together, you are hijacking a jam to put on a personal show (it sounds like everyone has that story, and I think some of us have been "that guy" in our overenthusiastic "advanced beginner" phases).


Said, woman, take it slow and it'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow and we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience

[Gordon Currie]

Originally Posted by Deliberate1

So what is the deal with a guy like that. You can sit as far away as possible. But, if that is not enough, what do you do, short of putting your foot through his guitar.

In my own experience, if there is someone like that in the room, and others don't seem to be bothered, I leave and look for a better situation.

Folks who don't have the awareness that they might be ruining other's enjoyment generally don't learn that awareness over time. The fact they are mostly unteachable is part of the problem.

It's not just music, it's all clubs/gatherings. Most people seem to be able to pick up on unspoken rules, but there's always someone who is missing that gene.

Sadly, I don't think there is anything to be done. I have seen more than a few gatherings destroyed by one or two people. Move on.

[Rogerblair]

I believe I would just stop playing in the middle of the song and politely say “I’m sorry, I can’t hear my own playing. Why don’t you take the song the rest of the way”?

I’m becoming less patient as I age.

Rb

[MrDB]

There are 2 things at work here.

People don't bring their instrument to a music night just to sit there all night while people play their own originals or a different take on a cover. Those efforts are for an open mic.

Just about everybody who has been to a number of jams has had to deal with "that guy". Solution? For me it's simple. If he is going I'm not. Not worth the frustration. Those types see themselves as above everyone else and will simply not conform to the best interests of the jam. They are the jam in their minds.

[Hotspur]

It's interesting how many people responded about different things you can do, and how few mentions there have been of, "Sit down and talk to the guy in a kind way about his playing."

A lot of us were, at some point when we were learning, a player who was getting in the way of other musicians. And those people were either patient with us or pulled us aside and gently said, "Hey, you know, your sense of timing needs a little work." Or "you need to follow the lead of the guy who's song it is a little more."

Part of hosting or leading a group like this is being willing to have uncomfortable conversations for the good of the group.

[Earl49]

Originally Posted by Hotspur

....Part of hosting or leading a group like this is being willing to have uncomfortable conversations for the good of the group.

And having been there, "no good deed goes unpunished".

[slopeshoulder]

Sometimes a pre-jam discussion is good. Cover a few basic points that are important to all. Sometimes etiquette has to be discussed.

[Glennwillow]

Originally Posted by Gordon Currie

In my own experience, if there is someone like that in the room, and others don't seem to be bothered, I leave and look for a better situation.

Folks who don't have the awareness that they might be ruining other's enjoyment generally don't learn that awareness over time. The fact they are mostly unteachable is part of the problem.

It's not just music, it's all clubs/gatherings. Most people seem to be able to pick up on unspoken rules, but there's always someone who is missing that gene.

Sadly, I don't think there is anything to be done. I have seen more than a few gatherings destroyed by one or two people. Move on.

I'm afraid this is how I would react, too.

For me, music is just too valuable to let some clueless person ruin it. I'd have to walk away from the situation as diplomatically as I could.

- Glenn

[Big Band Guitar]

It seems that whenever a good jam has a few sessions the jam busters discover it. Then the good players stop coming back and all your left with is the busters.

I attended a bluegrass jam many years ago. With around a dozen guitars thumping out first position open chords I had the nerve to play in the second or third position, (not loud or wrong chords). The old buzzard thar ran the jam stopped the song pointed at me and said " boy we play our G chords like this" and proceeded to show me how. I never went back.

There was a real book jam that I attended a few times until 2 Sax players came and dominated the jam, blew their brains out and wouldn't let anyone have a solo that they didn't solo over. That was the last one, no one else went back.

Maybe I'm just too old and cranky to put up with inconsiderate people.

[Italuke]

There are neanderthals everywhere. Not much you can do. Might try:

1. Not doing originals IF it's truly meant to be a jam.
2. Also, if it's a jam, idiots come with the territory. You can politely specify tempos, versions of KNOWN cover songs before starting. They may not comply.
3. Don't go to that jam.

[cyberdog]

Originally Posted by Gordon Currie

Most people seem to be able to pick up on unspoken rules, but there's always someone who is missing that gene.

Text book definition of Autism.

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disability caused by differences in the brain. People with ASD often have problems with social communication and interaction, and restricted or repetitive behaviors or interests. People with ASD may also have different ways of learning, moving, or paying attention.

[FingahPickah]

Originally Posted by Earl49

And having been there, "no good deed goes unpunished".

Around 2014 I began attending a monthly low-key, all levels welcome jam that had been posted on FB.

For a few years, group attendance varied but rarely exceeded 8-10 people; usually fewer. It was primarily a nice, respectful, cup of Joe crowd from beginners to experienced players.

One particular Saturday morning a shy, nervous young woman with a very pleasant singing voice (there by invitation) asked if she could sing "Landslide" A capella.

Everyone was respectful and encouraging; everyone except for "that guy" who had been announcing his high opinion of himself continued to noodle, annoyingly on an out of tune mandolin the entire time.

I quietly sidelined "that guy" and spoke politely, with respectful diplomacy and directness in equal measure... only to quickly realize he was not receptive... The jam continued (I think) but I made a quiet exit and never returned.

Fortunately for me, I am not at a loss for friends to make music with, but I do enjoy meeting new ones.

I whole-heartedly agree that set ground rules and at least one facilitator/moderator are essential to promote a good experience for all.

[rokdog49]

Sounds like something I very much do not wish to participate in.

[The Orb]

That type of person is so common, at least one song has been written about him. The next time you see him at a jam, sing this:

In a cozy gathering, with our songs to share,
A local guy stepped up, with his rudimentary flair,
His timing all distorted, his speed through the roof,
Leading a Carter Family tune, he gave us quite the goof.

Chorus:
But it's his prerogative, we'll let him lead the way,
Though we scratch our heads and wonder, "What did he just play?"
I come here for music and friendship; I didn't come here to mourn.
How did he get in here, and why was he born?

My tunes were like a lullaby, a gentle, soothing stream,
But he played at full volume, like a wild, untamed dream,
Conflicting tempos clashed, like a battle on the sea,
Tone deaf and drowning, he lost all harmony.

(Chorus)

Once I fingerpicked a classic, "Can the Circle Be Unbroken,"
A complex, graceful melody, in a style I had chosen,
But he recognized the tune and revved up his guitar,
Crashing through the circumference like a self-driving car.

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Sitting side by side, I couldn't find my way,
Lost within the chaos, my music led astray,
I raised my voice in frustration, asked if he knew the key.
I hope an iceberg smashes his guitar into silent debris.

(Chorus)

In the world of music, there's room for every kind,
From the seasoned pros to those who lag behind.
So let's keep playing together, in this imperfect song.
But for the love of music, kick out that guy who don't belong.

(Chorus)

[jjbigfly]

I usually skip jams now. But when I did...I tend to lay out a few “guidelines”, so to speak, before we start. Learning a song means playing together, all of us going in the same direction. If someone has a suggestion about making the song better somehow, great! But we are not showing off our singular abilities, we are playing the same music at the same time.
If someone is not going to be a leader…..then we be playing 5 different ways and learning nothing. If you know someone well enough to not need guidelines, I Bet you have played with that person a long time.
If you can’t get along then you are not going to go along (ways)….