living with mental illness

[Silly Moustache]

Afterthought.

Bullies, over managing, controlling, demeaning, threatening people are ALL concealing their own insecurity, and inadequacy.

[Steve-arino]

I commend you j-Doug for your honesty and ability to open this dialogue on a public forum. Proud of you man!!

I've lived with depression, anxiety and insomnia my entire life and am learning to accept myself the way I am. I know some of the "reasons" (genetics and upbringing) but I also I must admit that there is some shame and insecurity that I also feel.

But the good news is that the older I get the less I care what others think of me.

[RP]

Originally Posted by Steve-arino

...But the good news is that the older I get the less I care what others think of me.

Couldn't agree more.........

Thank you again guys for the support and for sharing your stories.

[raysachs]

J-Doug, Jaden, everyone else who's related their personal stories, my heart is with you. I've been very very fortunate - I'm either personally untouched by mental illness or I have an amazingly resilient set of illusions that let me think I am. Either way, I'll take it. But I've seen and dealt with enough mental illness in my family, very likely undiagnosed bi-polar in one case and diagnosed severe depression / anxiety in a couple others, to feel your pain, or at least feel FOR you in your pain.

I understand being strategic about how you deal with your illness in your day to day life, particularly given J-Doug's experience with an employer, but PLEASE don't let yourself feel shame! You haven't done anything to cause this - it's an illness that just afflicts some people. I have asthma, heart disease, and an awful back, you have other things to deal with. We all have conditions we need to manage. If you let your friend in, most will be very supportive and will likely make it easier to cope with. And the few that aren't you don't really want as friends anyway, do you?

I'm glad you've had the strength to put this out here. My very best to you as you work your way through life, managing these conditions right along...

-Ray

[Jaden]

Today I found out one of my customers passed away from suicide on September 24, a little more than two weeks ago. Both him and his wife worked themselves to the bone, then retired to a million dollar home; they had no kids, but retirement was an abrupt change in lifestyle for them, and they both hit the bottle (wine); if one or both had something like guitar acquisition syndrome or some better hobbies it could have been different. Brent had a physical job which resulted in back and neck issues, he was prone to depression. I think he was about 62. Rest In Peace, Brent. He was always a very friendly and talkative guy, but too much medication and alcohol is a very bad mix.

[cmac]

J-Doug,

I wouldn't normally comment on a thread like this, partly because I don't know you and partly because I am fortunate enough to have no personal experience of mental illness. I do, though, have a number of close friends who suffer from some form of mental illness.

I was struck, however, by your comment that you are ashamed of this. And this shame seems to me like a sack of bricks that you don't have to carry around.

If I had flu I wouldn't be ashamed of it, it's an illness and not my fault.
If I had malaria I wouldn't be ashamed of it, it's an illness and not my fault.
If I had cancer I wouldn't be ashamed of it, it's an illness and not my fault.
I don't see bipolar disorder as any different. It's not your fault, and there is no shame attached.

[RP]

You're absolutely correct, cmac, and I don't think your words can be echoed enough. There is no shame in being mentally ill.

Jaden, your story about Brent also sends a message that can't be overtold. Despite outward appearances about someone's mental well being, mental illness can often be an invisible illness. When I worked in a state mental hospital long ago, I coined the phrase, "Sometimes the only difference between us and them is the keys."

Just saw that today is World Mental Health Day...

World Mental Health Day - 10 October

World Mental Health Day is observed on 10 October every year, with the overall objective of raising awareness of mental health issues around the world and mobilizing efforts in support of mental health.

The Day provides an opportunity for all stakeholders working on mental health issues to talk about their work, and what more needs to be done to make mental health care a reality for people worldwide.

[foxo]

Bumping this thread as I want to make an admission and ask a question.

To those who suffer from mental illness, how does guitar and making music fit into things?

For a while I enjoyed nothing more than playing guitar and songwriting. I started learning guitar after a manic episode in June 2017 and I found it was this wonderful outlet for my creativity and everything that was going on in my mind at the time. Nothing could top that feeling of writing a new song. I didn't initially care if nobody else ever even heard it, they were my songs and I thought they were good. That was enough for my own satisfaction. A lot were cryptically linked to what I was going through at the time. Like the OP I don't like discussing my mental illness, it's a deeply personal thing and very few people know I have these problems. Under the cover of a song I can speak my mind and nobody will be any the wiser what it's about.

I gradually started sharing my music both at open mic nights and on the internet. I had some excellent feedback on both fronts and this encouraged me even more. A friend of mine encouraged me to record my songs and share them. I built up a small fan base locally, on Facebook and Soundcloud via performing regularly. What started as something I wasn't particularly bothered about other peoples thoughts on, I ended up investing a lot of time and effort in and before I knew it we had enough material to put my first album together. We released it and I can honestly say the launch gig was one of the best nights of my life. We then co-wrote a second album, I came up with most the lyrics in less than a month with a lot of solid ideas coming to me in a short space of time. It's coming out soon.

All the while though in the background I still had symptoms that were unmanageable. I came clean about these to my psychiatrist and was placed on a new medication three months ago. In that time my symptoms have been alleviated well but my creativity has just stopped completely. I've written only one song in the lasts three months that I care about in the slightest bit. At the same time people have started losing interest in my music online as I haven't been releasing stuff as regularly. Something that was an ego boost for me before has just disappeared. I wish I could say I didn't care but I do. I feel bad about it.

I pick up my guitars now and rarely do I feel that magic I did before. I'm running out of fresh original material for open mics. I share my music online and I'm lucky if anyone gives the slightest toss, people who were supportive before seem to have vanished. Due to commitments with my friend and the new album I have to try and promote the as yet unreleased music and it feels like a massive waste of time. I think about the money I have spent on musical instruments and recording gear and feel like a moron for it. I never expected to make a living out of music but I became too reliant on what other people thought of my music. I'm trying to get better at the instrument but my progress has been exceptionally slow. I've barely improved at guitar playing in the last year despite being a recent learner, I think I hit a spot where I'm not bad at the instrument but advancing beyond that will take effort and skill I'm struggling with a lot.

Hopefully my outlook will change but right now music feels like it brings me more pain than pleasure and is becoming a source of resentment and frustration.

Rant over. I'm already slightly regretting this post but it's been eating away at me recently.

[frankmcr]

foxo,
Those are things that happen to all creative people. I don't say that to minimize it, but to point out you are not alone, at all.

Sometimes ideas come in a rush, other times it seems like they won't come at all. But they will.

What can you do in the meantime? Practice is always good. Play out as much as possible, it's important and good for you to keep interacting with fellow musicians and with audiences. Revisit your older material, maybe you'll get ideas for a new arrangement, a new verse, even a whole new song.

You might try really getting into the whole promotional aspect? It's really a different ballgame, maybe a change like that will actually help ease you back into the whole spirit of playing and singing and creating.

Most important, don't get down on yourself.

[RP]

Originally Posted by foxo

To those who suffer from mental illness, how does guitar and making music fit into things?

...I became too reliant on what other people thought of my music.

Hopefully my outlook will change but right now music feels like it brings me more pain than pleasure and is becoming a source of resentment and frustration.

Rant over. I'm already slightly regretting this post but it's been eating away at me recently.

I suppose that I was fortunate or unfortunate in that I've never gotten self-confident (or competent) enough to perform or record. Ergo, while I enjoy playing guitar by myself and infrequently with others, my self-worth is not tied to it. Some days I play well, and some days I don't but my Depression does not rise and fall based on my performance on any given day. Going a step farther, my sense of worth is not based on what others think of me. This is often referred to as locus of control. If others determine our self worth, that's an external locus of control; if we ourselves do it, that's internal locus of control. Ideally our self worth is fairly constant regardless of the feedback that we get from others...

[foxo]

Originally Posted by frankmcr

foxo,
Those are things that happen to all creative people. I don't say that to minimize it, but to point out you are not alone, at all.

Sometimes ideas come in a rush, other times it seems like they won't come at all. But they will.

What can you do in the meantime? Practice is always good. Play out as much as possible, it's important and good for you to keep interacting with fellow musicians and with audiences. Revisit your older material, maybe you'll get ideas for a new arrangement, a new verse, even a whole new song.

You might try really getting into the whole promotional aspect? It's really a different ballgame, maybe a change like that will actually help ease you back into the whole spirit of playing and singing and creating.

Most important, don't get down on yourself.

Thanks Frank.

[The Bard Rocks]

Originally Posted by aknow

It's not common, and can be very severe for the patient and their family. So many Americans are "altered" and medicated it's hard to know where reality starts and drugged effects end. I've experienced that disease being mis-diagnosed, mis medicated, and cause suicide and even murder. I wouldn't consider that common. All judges, lawyers, and public officials should be tested for drugs and alcohol frequently. Most people with this self-medicate with those substances. That's why for many of us, society is deranged.

I bolded it - this is exactly what happened to a good friend of mine, just a few years before bi-polar became well enough known to be considered its own disease. Sad and amazing story that will be published in a 4 months. had they only known, he might still be alive.

[TJE"]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

Hi guys,

I wanted to share my experience in hope of opening a dialog. I grew up the victim of an abusive household and my mother died when I was 15 so I suffered the consequences of those realities. By the time I hit my mid-thirties, despite having my life together in a visible sense, the wheels started to fall off internally. I became very ill, was hospitalized and eventually was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have accepted that I will spend the rest of my life medicated and fortunately the medication has turned my life around. But I am ashamed of my illness and society's attitude towards people like me does not help with that. Outside of my family and my closest friends no one knows.

So if you suffer please know that I am there with you.

Regarding the stigma of specifically Bipolar I understand that many succesful people have this diagnosis including Ted Turner(the founder of CNN) and Mariah Carey and Stephen Fry - so it may be not as 'shameful' as it was say 40 years ago.

I think one of the problems with the medical labels of serious mental illnesses such as 'Bi-Polar' and 'Schizophrenia', is that they cannot be scientifically accurate or even descriptive of your for your own personal experience, because of the lack of basic knowledge of about how the brain works.

That said I would not disregard psychaitrists advice entirely - just be aware that they can never speak with the same binary authority about the nature nature of your diagnosis/dsyfunction as say a cardiologist or even an Oncologist can.

Ultimately I think sadly a lot of people have to work out for themselves - in terms of what works for them personally.

Originally Posted by foxo

Bumping this thread as I want to make an admission and ask a question.

To those who suffer from mental illness, how does guitar and making music fit into things?

For a while I enjoyed nothing more than playing guitar and songwriting. I started learning guitar after a manic episode in June 2017 and I found it was this wonderful outlet for my creativity and everything that was going on in my mind at the time. Nothing could top that feeling of writing a new song. I didn't initially care if nobody else ever even heard it, they were my songs and I thought they were good. That was enough for my own satisfaction. A lot were cryptically linked to what I was going through at the time. Like the OP I don't like discussing my mental illness, it's a deeply personal thing and very few people know I have these problems. Under the cover of a song I can speak my mind and nobody will be any the wiser what it's about.

I gradually started sharing my music both at open mic nights and on the internet. I had some excellent feedback on both fronts and this encouraged me even more. A friend of mine encouraged me to record my songs and share them. I built up a small fan base locally, on Facebook and Soundcloud via performing regularly. What started as something I wasn't particularly bothered about other peoples thoughts on, I ended up investing a lot of time and effort in and before I knew it we had enough material to put my first album together. We released it and I can honestly say the launch gig was one of the best nights of my life. We then co-wrote a second album, I came up with most the lyrics in less than a month with a lot of solid ideas coming to me in a short space of time. It's coming out soon.

All the while though in the background I still had symptoms that were unmanageable. I came clean about these to my psychiatrist and was placed on a new medication three months ago. In that time my symptoms have been alleviated well but my creativity has just stopped completely. I've written only one song in the lasts three months that I care about in the slightest bit. At the same time people have started losing interest in my music online as I haven't been releasing stuff as regularly. Something that was an ego boost for me before has just disappeared. I wish I could say I didn't care but I do. I feel bad about it.

I pick up my guitars now and rarely do I feel that magic I did before. I'm running out of fresh original material for open mics. I share my music online and I'm lucky if anyone gives the slightest toss, people who were supportive before seem to have vanished. Due to commitments with my friend and the new album I have to try and promote the as yet unreleased music and it feels like a massive waste of time. I think about the money I have spent on musical instruments and recording gear and feel like a moron for it. I never expected to make a living out of music but I became too reliant on what other people thought of my music. I'm trying to get better at the instrument but my progress has been exceptionally slow. I've barely improved at guitar playing in the last year despite being a recent learner, I think I hit a spot where I'm not bad at the instrument but advancing beyond that will take effort and skill I'm struggling with a lot.

Hopefully my outlook will change but right now music feels like it brings me more pain than pleasure and is becoming a source of resentment and frustration.

Rant over. I'm already slightly regretting this post but it's been eating away at me recently.

Hi foxo, OP here. When I first starting taking meds it was like someone took a belt sander to my personality and sanded off all of the interesting peaks and valleys. You may be experiencing this and it may be having an impact on your music. Don't worry you'll bounce back. Just give it some time. In the meantime, just keep making music for YOU. All the other stuff is meaningless. Fame, large or small, is a trap.