Ever talk you kids into just being kids?

[PorkPieGuy]

Those of you whose kids are grown, did you have them involved in a bunch of stuff? Or did they just come home after school? Pros? Cons?

Thanks in advance.

[reeve21]

Wow, this is a tough one. I struggled to try to get it right.

My kids are almost 30 now, but the memories are vivid.

I remember going to bed before my kids turned off their lights and thinking this isn't right. And they were doing homework-- no TV's in their bedrooms and social media had not yet exploded.

I was involved at church, coaching sports and at school and I saw a lot of families struggle with this.

Our goal was only one big time commitment activity at at time. I got lucky when my kids got to high school, as they concentrated on fall and spring sports, leaving out the longest season (winter). That gave them a pretty good stretch of the school year where they did come home after school, but of course that leads to part time jobs and more time with friends.

The fact that you are intentionally thinking about it is good because it shows awareness of the problem-- it seems like so many families just do everything and everything simply because it is offered or a friend is doing it. Have you involved the kids in the discussion?

We also made every effort to eat dinner together and pretty much succeeded, despite both parents and both kids working and having lots of of outside the house activities.

There is no magic solution to this problem. But if it feels like too much it probably is, and it doesn't get better on its own, in fact activity seems to breed more activity.....

[mr. beaumont]

Following this, as my kids are little...

Trying to give them a balance of "doing stuff" and "unstructured fun." Right now they're in swimming and T-Ball. My wife and I have kinda come to the conclusion that 2 activities is plenty...we see friends haul off their kids to 5 different things a week, or with a kid who's in an activity like cheerleading that literally takes up every day and weekend...I dunno...that just seems like a lousy kidlife.

[Neil K Walk]

I see many parents of children nowadays being "helicopter" parents and attempting to control every aspect of their lives. I'm struggling to just accept my kids as they are and enjoy the time I have with them. Things are certainly a helluva lot different than when I came of age 31 years ago.

[fazool]

Having raised four kids, and being very active in their schools and being very inter-connected, this is a topic that permeates our family.

When my wife and I were kids, we didn't have planned/scheduled activities. We made our own activities. We planned and organized things with our friends.
We were (in the words of John Ratzenberger) "Free Range Kids".

I bemoan the loss of that but I have come to acknowledge that kids, nowadays, are just as active and just as engaged in doing things.

When we were kids, maybe 10% of the kids' collective socialization happened through school sports and activities and 90% of it was ad hoc activities they arranged themselves.

Nowadays, it seems that 90% of kids' socialization are through some organized activity, sport, club or school function.

In addition, there is a ridiculous amount of academic work heaped on kids now (kindergartners with homework? Really?!?). It is common for kids to be doing homework on their iPads until midnight (every single night).

I've also noticed that this phenomenon evaporated when the kids got out of high school.

Once college-age, kids seem to start "free ranging" and organizing their own activities.

The other thing is that the nightlife/bar/club scene has returned. It was a huge part of being an 18-20 year old in my day.

Now, it's becoming (again) a big part of being a 21-24 year old. I think this is a really good thing. By the way, the social awareness is much stronger now and I see a really strong cultural drive for designated drivers, public transportation, Uber rides etc.

Now, much of the basic socializing they do is through sociual media (group chats, snapchat, Instagram, etc.) so they are having the person-to-person conversations that used to happen face-to-cae or over the phone.

And with social media, the WAY in which they organize things is totally different and very dynamic.



So, school kids these days will not just "hang out" with friends like we did. But they will be involved in school activities. We tend to be very involved as well and sop we go to every game, concert, performance, etc. so it's actually a good chance to have more family time.

[imwjl]

I'm a baby boomer (late age parent) with 3 teens. Also a director in an organization with nearly 500 kids in youth programs that are classes and teams for skiing (incl jumping & biathlon) and mountain biking. I've seen growing up in different times, modern drop off programs, helicopter parenting, and more feral kids.

The more feral kids includes our living in a deteriorating neighborhood as well as a very nice neighborhood.

Kids are still kids. All you can do is steer. Doing your best at steering still doesn't work. We're lucky, my brother not as much with the same sort of efforts.

We do seem to let our kids just be kids more than a lot of parents we see. Early on we figured we should stick to the dog rules - yes, no, sit, stay come. We let some things slide at home when we know the kids are achieving the important stuff at school and in public.

We might let them just be kids be kids this way. If sport _ or club _ didn't work out that's fine. They just have to do something. We don't keep going to activities they just don't like. We disappointed some coaches when our boys who are very good quit the Nordic ski and biathlon teams. They still had to do something. One started teaching younger kids. The other got really into student council and he rides his bike a lot - goes off on 1-3 hour bike rides.

We also limit the taxi service. If they screw up and miss the bus they have to walk a few miles. A particularly proud moment was when their mom was having a lot of problems from cancer. My 13 year old boys were riding bikes 16 miles to their summer sailing program on their own.

Some other parents are freaked out by the things we allow or push but it looks like it's helping them be strong and courageous kids. They aren't exactly doing everything we'd like but they are good problem solvers and we get good reports from school.

We could have disaster on our hands because our kids seem to know and do a whole lot for their age but so far it's working out.

[fazool]

about "just being kids"

We repeatedly preach this to our kids.

They put so much stress and pressure on kids now fort school success and, honestly it's all fake.

We constantly tell our kids "stop trying to be an over-achiever. No one will care if you got a 105% grade point average in high school but you will care that you squandered your childhood on that pursuit."

I mean "yes do good in school" of course but there is so much more to life. We say to our kids just go be a kid. In fact I keep coaching my kids to take fewer classes in college and enjoy life. Don't burn yourself out trying to graduate in two or three years.

It';s a really hard message because this philosophy of "all work and no fun" is ground into their psyche from everywhere.

[cotten]

Each child is different, so there is no one rule that balances things perfectly for all. I have seen preschoolers who were classic examples of the Hurried Child, who has 2 or three activities every day, from dance to gymnastics to piano or French lessons, to swimming competition or horseback riding. They literally had no time for free play! On the other hand, I have seen a few kids thrive with a lot more organized activities than most kids.

Then I have seen some kids and parents who just dabble. Three weeks of karate, a few piano or dance lessons - with no discipline or perseverance at all. I understand exploration, but think that for most kids a bit more stick-to-it-ness would be a better idea. But then I am not their parent, and don't really know these kids, so I cannot judge.

cotten

[seannx]

With my 3 older kids, we did nothing special, with the exception of sports. My oldest son played baseball in little league, and then basketball and tennis through school. He now bikes, and takes his training and racing very seriously.

My second son played soccer until middle school, and then lots of skateboarding and rollerblading, plus skiing and snowboarding. He learned how to ride a bike when he was 3. Mountain and road biking is his passion, and he has a full on shop for building frames and repairs. He still loves snowboarding.

My daughter played soccer, volleyball, and basketball through high school, and is an excellent snowboarder. We rarely involved the kids in any special programs or activities. They played with friends from school, and chose to participate in sports. Of course we supported them with sports, and going to the practices and games was a joy.

With my youngest son (with my 3rd wife), things were very different. We lived in Mill Valley, and that’s where I first encountered parents involving their kids in a variety of structured activities. None of his friends lived that close, and it was a challenge to schedule "play dates" due to their busy schedules. There was also a social status aspect, that came from some of the parents and transferred to the kids, which was disappointing to see. He had some health issues (heart surgery and liver transplant) that ruled out sports with any contact or lots of running, but thankfully took to guitar and became an excellent musician. We spent a lot of time together playing music, and he was successful in putting together a band in high school. The kids were surprisingly good, but the band drifted apart because of all their other activities. The main activity we involved him in was guitar lessons, and he got a scholarship to Blue Bear School of Music in SF. His older brother got him into biking, and he started running with me. Despite his heart condition, he is really fit, and continues to bike and run. And now 20, he’s a music major at UCSD.

[srick]

We did one activity per child per season (boy and girl), This included scouts, (we were den, pack and troop leaders), karate, soccer, and basketball. This left plenty of time for reading, playing in the back yard, or going to the grocery store, etc.

I can make my own hours (to a point), so I would get everyone off to school. My wife is a high school teacher and she was back almost every afternoon. This also meant that she was home for vacations and summers. Our house is about 200 yards away from the high school, so we were often hosts to our kids friends after school.

And my wife made it a point that we would always have dinner together (around the table) There were exceptions, but not many. In fact, the kitchen was a center of our home life.

Long story short, we were all growing together and liked being around each other. My son (age 30) and I will still go and see the latest movies; my daughter (age 27) enjoys coming down (from Boston - about 2 hours away) for lunch with my wife and myself.

I would say the secret, if there is a secret, is time, involvement, and love. There was a little give and take going on, but our kids rarely made excessive demands - and, if they did, we would discuss it. So yes, we did spring for the Uggs Boots for my daughter and yes, in her senior year allowed her to drive our car 200 yards to school. Our habits and our town created a very traditional upbringing for the kids and that worked beautifully.

I am so happy to see how our children have grown and their accomplishments. I know that we are handing the world over to an incredible generation of folks.

best,

RIck

[Swamp Yankee]

I never had to talk my daughter into just being a kid. I'm a kid myself - we got along swimmingly

[imwjl]

I think the strong efforts we've always made to have home cooked meals and all of us around the table and shopping together are good versions of the kids just being kids. If that's not them being themselves and valuable, it's sure been fun and educational for the parents.

Originally Posted by Swamp Yankee

I never had to talk my daughter into just being a kid. I'm a kid myself - we got along swimmingly

Bingo. Now that they're strong teens I'm not so embarrassed at the way I play on skis or a bike. I've got partners in first to start, last to end, and go for it in between. Now my daughter takes my skate shoes as a badge of honor vs embarrassment.

[PorkPieGuy]

Update:


Thanks for everyone's replies.

Years ago, my wife and I decided that each kid (we have three) could have an opportunity to do one activity. My daughter does dance, one of the boys does karate, and the other doesn't do anything (he's 6 years old, and doesn't have any interests yet). Our family is also involved in a growing church (my wife and I are on the praise team, and our church runs 3 morning services).

Considering these activities, we are gone 4 nights a week on average. Oh, and this is if we don't have anything planned on the weekend (we have belt tests in karate and recitals/ballets in dance). My kids like their activities, but they don't love them. For example, if my daughter actively danced around the house and/or my son was busy watching Bruce Lee movies and practicing his forms around the house, I would be more tempted to keep them in these. However, both have expressed interest in taking a break...and I think we are going to take them up on it.

So it looks like after summer, my kids will go to school, come home and do homework, and actually eat food that's been in our refrigerator and cooked on our stove as opposed to food involving a bag and a drive-thru window. They will also do the majority of their homework sitting at the table at a decent hour as opposed to finishing up 30 minutes after bed time or working on it from the car while on the road. I know there are families that are super-happy and fulfilled on the road every night. If they are, may God bless them in their journey. This life simply isn't for me right now.

[KevWind]

Late to the party, but.
My Kids now adults, were I supposed raised in what would be called more of a rural type environment and lifestyle. On 7 acres backed up against wilderness. So there was lots of chores to do feeding the dog/s chickens and horses, stacking and bringing firewood into the house each day, etc. But in reality we only lived some 10 miles from town so they participated in some organized activities but only occasionally, most of their time was spent just being kids and playing around the house, riding horses , or going fishing or hunting with us, or skiing in winter.

[WilliamTK1974]

Didn't have any kids, but I remember a lot about growing up. There were three of us boys, and we were very fortunate to have a stay at home mama.

Both parents were educators, so we didn't get to be completely lazy over summer vacations, but we weren't signed up for a whole bunch of activities. We had school reading lists and some math homework over the summer. We had a pool membership and parents and grandparents bought us bicycles and other things like that to keep us active. I wanted to do Little League or similar, but my friends told stories about bad sportsmanship from kids and parents, so that seemed less attractive.

The school I went to starting in Jr. High required a great deal of athletic participation, so that made life busier. I got my first job at age 16, but my parents allowed me to be unemployed the following summer because I'd joined the school rowing team, and started practicing during the summer at least three times per week and learning to scull. They thought that was a worthwhile use of my time.

I spent a great deal of my late teens and college years wanting to be grown up lol.