Quit The Band Today - Page 2

raysachs · #16 07-26-2021, 05:39 AM

Sounds like DB has assessed the situation and made the right call for him. Sounds like the other folks in the band have some sort of history with the antagonist here that they've decided they're willing to put up with his outbursts. DB is not. If the other folks in the band would rather toss the other guy than have DB leave, they would have. They didn't. Sounds like all of the people who get to decide who stays and who goes have made their opinion known, DB left, everyone else stayed. I can't second guess his decision by saying the other guy should have left and he should have stayed.

I had a good career and got along well with almost everyone I worked with. I finally came upon a boss I couldn't work with. So I fired him. Given our relative positions in the organization, the way I was able to fire him as a boss was to quit. So I did. It was the best and probably only way to remove myself from a toxic situation. I've never regretted it. I moved on, I assume he did too. Sometimes getting out of Dodge is the right decision, regardless of who's right and who's wrong...

-Ray

rmp · #17 07-26-2021, 06:22 AM

Simmer down over there... you're not the problem.

Remove the one that IS the problem, and carry on! if you did the gig without him, his contributions must not be all that important.

Nymuso · #18 07-26-2021, 06:30 AM

Seems to me the OP took exactly the right course of action.

tinnitus · #19 07-26-2021, 06:33 AM

Sorry to see you going through that DB. I hope you find some greener pastures to enjoy, and some relief for not carrying an 800 lb. gorilla on your shoulders anymore.

There's been some degree of tension in each of the 7-8 performing bands in which I've played since 1974 (not "pros" per se, just cover bar bands doing occasional gigs for $200-500). It's typically been booze/substances, egos or Yokos that precipitated the end for various members. As much fun as I had onstage with my last band, it was a lot of exasperating hard work behind the scenes. It occurs that a more apt name for the group would've been Herding Kittens.

Without presenting a pushy ultimatum, it might be worthwhile to inquire if you'll still have a spot there if the others are also finally fed up with that guy's volatile behavior - and willing to take action. But be prepared to accept either outcome and live with it. Long-standing allegiances between members will sometimes carry more weight in a band than dealing with who's actually causing most/all of the problems.

MrDB · #20 07-26-2021, 08:25 AM

Thanks to everyone for your support. I'm at peace with my decision. Music is fun, you have to have some passion. You can cut grass or run a vacuum cleaner when you don't feel like it but you can't play good music if you aren't into it. At least I can't.

So hopefully there's another band out there that needs a mediocre guitar player that can't sing on pitch

buddyhu · #21 07-26-2021, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDB

The other guys are apparently much more tolerant of his outbursts than I am. Call it enabling or whatever you want but he always apologizes, they say no problem buddy it's okay, he says it won't happen again. Of course it always happens again. Some of the bandmates have been friends with him since high school so I assume they are immune to it by now.

I'm not going to put them in the middle by making demands of him or me. I can go back to playing in my guitar room with a looper and be happy.

Well, it sounds like you are at peace with your choice, and that is the important thing.

Is it possible that there are other reasons you would like to quit the band, and this outburst just tipped the scales enough to make you take action? Just wondering…

I don’t view a conversation as putting anyone in the middle; it is giving the other band members a chance to express their feelings and wishes, and for all of you to work together to reach the best decision for all. If you prefer to make a unilateral decision (for whatever reason), that is your right. And if don’t think your bandmates have enough skill and self-awareness to have a good exchange, maybe avoiding any conversation is best. But if I were your bandmate, I’d prefer to talk it over with you, and if the best decision is for you to leave, to have a chance to give you a pleasant send-off. I know lots of folks don’t like to communicate that much, and do their best to avoid difficult conversations. But I find communication to be helpful more often than not. It tends to promote clarity, and better resolutions. YMMV.

ruger9 · #22 07-26-2021, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDB

The other guys are apparently much more tolerant of his outbursts than I am. Call it enabling or whatever you want but he always apologizes, they say no problem buddy it's okay, he says it won't happen again. Of course it always happens again. Some of the bandmates have been friends with him since high school so I assume they are immune to it by now.
.

If that's the case, I agree with you- I'd be out too. Unfortunate, but I'm too old to care about NONSENSE anymore.

tinnitus · #23 07-26-2021, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDB

...

So hopefully there's another band out there that needs a mediocre guitar player that can't sing on pitch

According to the man himself, Jimmy Buffet already has that gig.

ghostnote · #24 07-26-2021, 03:01 PM

Just curious - what was the reaction of the other guys when you quit? Did they try to get you to stay? Sometimes things that aren't said speak more loudly than words...

FingahPickah · #25 07-26-2021, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghostnote

Just curious - what was the reaction of the other guys when you quit? Did they try to get you to stay? Sometimes things that aren't said speak more loudly than words...

Good question... I'd be interested to know too...

Gasworker · #26 07-26-2021, 05:08 PM

If there were a like button it would be pushed

Quote:

Originally Posted by raysachs

Sounds like DB has assessed the situation and made the right call for him. Sounds like the other folks in the band have some sort of history with the antagonist here that they've decided they're willing to put up with his outbursts. DB is not. If the other folks in the band would rather toss the other guy than have DB leave, they would have. They didn't. Sounds like all of the people who get to decide who stays and who gods have made their opinion known, DB left, everyone else stayed. I can't second guess his decision by saying the other guy should have left and he should have stayed.

I had a good career and got along well with almost everyone I worked with. I finally came upon a boss I couldn't work with. So I fired him. Given our relative positions in the organization, the way I was able to fire him as a boss was to quit. So I did. It was the best and probably only way to remove myself from a toxic situation. I've never regretted it. I moved on, I assume he did too. Sometimes getting out of Dodge is the right decision, regardless of who's right and who's wrong...

-Ray

MrDB · #27 07-26-2021, 05:23 PM

Update:

The offending band mate came to my house today. He apologized profusely for what happened and begged me to stay in the band, said he would quit if that's what it took. We had a long talk about his behavior. He said he hit rock bottom Sat nite with what he did, and knows he has to make some serious changes in his life and his emotional health.

The other band members had texted me earlier urging me to stay. After talking with this individual I agreed to stay. He was extremely relieved and thankful that I would give him one more chance to prove himself.

So all's well that ends well.

Kerbie · #28 07-26-2021, 05:46 PM

Hey, that's great news! Glad to hear it. There was a time early on when The Who tossed out Roger Daltrey and then took him back. I'd say that one worked out pretty well for all.

Hope your situation does too.

ruger9 · #29 07-26-2021, 06:04 PM

A happy ending... so far. ONE more chance. "Give me a ping, Vasilli.... ONE ping only please"....

I did have a similar situation way back when, I won't go into the long details of it, but the end story is: I told the bandmates, him or me. And I wasn't pulling an attitude, I wasn't bluffing, I just could NOT exist in a band (or ANY situation) any longer with that individual. The band members tried to get me to reconsider (we were living at the offender's house, firing him meant jobs and rent to pay), but it didn't take long until they sided with me, knowing the guy couldn't be trusted to not stab us in the back in the future (which we caught him trying to do, which was the cause for the ultimatum.)

Nymuso · #30 07-26-2021, 07:12 PM

I wish you well. In my situation years ago, I stayed. I shouldn’t have.