ugh family

[Earl49]

A little glib perhaps, but don't be an enabler. It does no one any good to "buy a drunk another drink", even if it hard to say NO. If it is an adult they are solely responsible for their conduct -- and the consequences. If there are children involved, do what you can to make sure they are fed and clothed, with adequate shelter, but NEVER provide cash.

Comedian Dennis Miller said once, "Absolutely I want to help the helpless, but I don't care about the clueless". Actually he said it a bit more crudely, but the point was made.

[JBCROTTY]

Unfortunately this is a common family story. I have always been of the opinion that the two greatest gifts you can give your kids are a work ethic and personal accountability.

In my experience, people either have these things by young adulthood or they don't, and very few people - and by very few I mean almost none - develop them later in life.

[Mr. Jelly]

There's a difference between enabling people and helping people. No is a valid word. As good as any and better than most. People make their own choices. They are separate from you and do not have your values or share your outlook on things. God love them all. Let them live and let yourself live beside them. But not caring them.

[MrDB]

Originally Posted by rmp

well, if it's your brother, you can say no.

when it's your daughter with three of her own, not so easily done.

don't ask me how I know this..

I'm an expert in this area as well.

[Mooh]

My family has been good in this regard, though frustrating in other ways.

I hit a rough patch about 38 years ago. A bad break-up, a new job and town, loss of my band income, all contributed to me borrowing some money on and off from one of my older sisters. She offered, I accepted. It was humiliating for me at the time but I was desperate. It was a struggle but I paid it all back within a couple of years. It didn't come between us. I would do the same for her in a heartbeat.

Lessons learned...save for an emergency household slush fund, a cushion that acts as self-insurance, live within your means, think with your head not your penis/addictions/heart, and be self-sufficient as much as possible. Luck is always a factor, but don't depend on it.

Other than banks, I've never borrowed money from anyone since.

[Neil K Walk]

I was thinking about this thread as I visited with my family out west this week. I'm viewing this not as a disgruntled sibling but as somebody who sees that being part of a family requires some give and take - and I've been isolated from my family nearly 20 years. You know what they say, when you marry off your kids you lose a son but gain a daughter...

Anyway, my cousins are a case study in grumbling about each other as they deal with the recent death of my 86 year old uncle and with moving my 82 year old aunt into assisted living because she cannot live alone after being married and dependent upon the same person since she was 19 years old. You guys are grumbling about brothers though. I only see this dynamic with my father in law (who is the oldest of 3 brothers) and my late uncle (who was also the oldest of 3.) In each case, old age (70+) and infirmity sometimes humble any animosity - but it's not a given. If anything, seeing elderly parents decline is more effective in causing younger and healthier offspring to become more united in putting petty disputes aside. Even that's not a given though.

My cousins are an older sister who is flighty and entitled and a younger brother who is also stubborn but more socially outgoing and enterprising. My elder cousin still works a menial job while my younger cousin is semi-retired and is still able and more available to help my surviving aunt. We had a good talk about family during our visit and even though I'm all alone in guiding my own mother (who is slightly younger but has long been widowed herself) into assisted living I'm sort of glad I was an only child!

Through all of this, I'm sobered by several facts:

1: you only get so much time in life, and it never seems like enough
2: even family members can take advantage of you, but you have to lay down to get stepped on
3: hate more than years off your life

As I tell friends who are newly married, "just smile and nod but keep your mouth shut." Everybody's story is laced with difficulties. It's all about how we move forward in life. We can look back but we can't rewrite history. When these people are finally out of our lives, then we can write a book about them and change the names to ease our consciences and keep the royalties to ourselves.

[RP]

As I read these stories, I'm reminded of my own life lesson that while anger eats away at the vessel that contains it, forgiveness resides in an unbreakable jar....

[Jobe]

Originally Posted by RP

As I read these stories, I'm reminded of my own life lesson that while anger eats away at the vessel that contains it, forgiveness resides in an unbreakable jar....

In my opinion anger is healed by understanding. Forgiveness is tricky because it works two ways. Not only would you want to forgive a person that slighted you but you are somehow forced to forgive yourself. That is the hard part but a lesson learned. I hate that pit in my stomach. I did that thing with all good intentions. I don't want to feel this way again. Used. My fault and my anger is mine and my forgiveness is mine. Never again under the same circumstances. We move on.