ugh family

Just venting but I have a terrible person for a brother. We used to get along well as kids but starting in his twenties he just completely changed. Long story short he has a history of "borrowing" money from family and then ghosting and never paying back. We're talking about thousands of dollars each. He came to me a few years back after barely talking to me for 20 years looking for a payout. I told him no knowing what he's done in the past and he hasn't spoken to me since. The guy is 54 and still doesn't have his life together. Long history of endlessly "losing" job after job. It hurts me to be in this situation but he obviously sees me as personal bank account instead of as a brother. I figure though I'm better off not giving him money and having him refuse talk to me than being ripped off and ghosted.

[JCave]

I finally kicked my siblings to the curb. Two of three are identical to yours, the oldest being the absolute worst, and he's 70.. Support me, give me money, buy me a car, pay my insurance, on and on.... Blah, we owe them nothing. After six months of pure hell, I kicked him out. Now after six years his treatment of us still angers me to the bone. But, I don't have to think about him anymore...

I think the main problem is that my brother feels the world owes him and what's yours is mine. First it was our grandmother who's money he was entitled to, then our dad and now he's looking for his cut of my money.

When our dad died my brother was convinced he was owed a huge inheritance when really my dad never had two nickels to rub together. I never saw a dime of any inheritance and I had the good sense not to expect any. My brother lives in his own version of reality.

[RP]

Doug: If you could push a button and change this situation to your satisfaction, what would you want to happen???

[fumei]

Same here. A bizarre sense of entitlement and magical thinking.

40 years of scrapping together with no job. Stating: "You are so lucky to have a pension." Lucky? LUCKY? It was a deliberate decision that involved getting up at 5:30 every morning and...going to work. For 37 years. Not sleeping in until 11:00 and never holding any job. Ever.

No sense of consequences. We all make choices. Well dude, you made a life of bad ones.

RP, I can not of course answer for the OP, but for myself, I can answer: take a look at the world AS IT IS, not what you want it to be. You can make the world as you want it to be, but that involves work, effort, realistic decisions, and yes oft times sacrifices. But most of all, accepting responsibilities. It is not always the other persons fault.

Originally Posted by RP

Doug: If you could push a button and change this situation to your satisfaction, what would you want to happen???

RP if I could push a button and change this situation to my satisfaction I'd like what my father wished for shortly before he died. I'd like my brother to finally grow up, even if it means growing up at 54. Simply put he just never grew up.

[RP]

Originally Posted by fumei

...RP, I can not of course answer for the OP, but for myself, I can answer: take a look at the world AS IT IS, not what you want it to be. You can make the world as you want it to be, but that involves work, effort, realistic decisions, and yes oft times sacrifices. But most of all, accepting responsibilities. It is not always the other persons fault.

My follow-up question would have been to identify from that list those things that the OP has under his/her control. In short, focus on those things over which we actually have control and accept that there are people/things that are not under our control.

My 32 year old son has supported himself financially for quite some time, and I'm proud of him for that. However, sometimes he has financial needs that arise, and he has infrequently asked me to loan him money. My line in the sand is that I refuse to lend him money; but if I have the extra money and feel the need is of an "I need" nature rather than "I want", I'll give it to him.

Point being, I can't control the amount of money that my son makes, but I can control the amount that I either lend him - none - or give him....

[fumei]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

RP if I could push a button and change this situation to my satisfaction I'd like what my father wished for shortly before he died. I'd like my brother to finally grow up, even if it means growing up at 54. Simply put he just never grew up.

Yup. My brother is stuck at 14. It is sad. I would be more than willing to help, but real help, not living his life for him.

[Jim Owen]

I think the term narcissistic self entitlement fits some folk who feel “owed.” It’s different if it’s a younger person in a jam needing cash for down payments, security deposits, and such. We have all lived through tight spots.

If your brother is in his 50s, he ain’t going to change. I’m sorry. But I know this from personal experience.

Originally Posted by RP

My follow-up question would have been to identify from that list those things that the OP has under his/her control. In short, focus on those things over which we actually have control and accept that there are people/things that are not under our control.

I hope that by saying no (the only thing I could control) that helped him grow up a bit but honestly I think he just moved into his next victim. At least it wasn't me this time.

[KevWind]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

I hope that by saying no (the only thing I could control) that helped him grow up a bit but honestly I think he just moved into his next victim. At least it wasn't me this time.

Man that must be hard, I do understand to some extent but in my situation, I am pretty lucky as my brother and I are fairly close and get along well .
For us (both my brother and I) it was our father that was the issue. Never about money, but he was a manipulative SOB his entire life. I will not go into details as this thread is about your troubles . Only to say that after years of trying to deal with him I finally gave up. And for the last 3 years of his life I did not speak to him at all. Honestly in looking back it was the best thing I ever did as the frustration and anger level in my life dropped to virtually nothing.

[JCave]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

I hope that by saying no (the only thing I could control) that helped him grow up a bit but honestly I think he just moved into his next victim. At least it wasn't me this time.

Having lived through it, I've learned. Learned they don't change in fact they become worse. Mine did. It's all about money, the root of all evil. They never have enough, going through life with a handout. The old "what can you do for me" problem.

[RP]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

I hope that by saying no (the only thing I could control) that helped him grow up a bit but honestly I think he just moved into his next victim. At least it wasn't me this time.

Not trying to be glib, but you have no control over your brother's coming to terms with making his own way in the world nor those people who continue to offer handouts and impede your brother's growth. I understand your need to vent, but you might as well buy lottery tickets as wish for your brother to change. That's totally up to him. Control what you can and accept what you can't.

I will say that if you've given him money in the past and then stopped, keep in mind that there's usually an "extinction burst" after turning off the faucet. In other words, when reinforcement is suddenly cut off, there is often an increase in "requests"...

Originally Posted by RP

Not trying to be glib, but you have no control over your brother's coming to terms with making his own way in the world nor those people who continue to offer handouts and impede your brother's growth. I understand your need to vent, but you might as well buy lottery tickets as wish for your brother to change. That's totally up to him. Control what you can and accept what you can't.

I will say that if you've given him money in the past and then stopped, keep in mind that there's usually an "extinction burst" after turning off the faucet. In other words, when reinforcement is suddenly cut off, there is often an increase in "requests"...

Yeah I'm totally kidding myself thinking he would change. I accept that he wants nothing to do with me because I'm not willing to be his payday. Honestly he's doing me favor IMHO. I'm just venting.

Fortunately he's never coaxed a dime out of me. Now that my father and grandmother are dead I guess he's out looking for alternate revenue streams.

[jpd]

Doug...it must be awful to deal with family members that have this degree of dysfunction. I hope you're doing good.