Morose Mother's Day

[fitness1]

Like so many of us of a certain age here, I'm missing my Mom today, but I had an experience yesterday that left me a little lifeless, and I felt compelled to put "pen to paper":

After visiting and old friend yesterday who's Son took his life last week, it has occurred to me that the most sensitive and empathetic among us are struggling the most.

I met his son 30 years ago and he was a very soft spoken and kind person who loved nature (both the mountains and the sea) He was an Eagle Scout who later spent 8 summers as an instructor at Philmont helping shape the lives of the next generation.

He and his Father were clients of mine in the mid nineties and we spent a lot of time together. He was a teenager at the time, but it was apparent he was going to be a wonderful human being.

When I saw his obituary online I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut - and when I found out from his Father just what happened it saddened me on so many levels. As someone who has struggled over the last decade myself, it just hit way too close to home.

For those of us who see the interconnectedness of all life (including our planet) There has been so much bringing us to our spiritual knees - and the struggles of everyday life has left many of us with little fight left in us.

We see the forces of Love, which manifest in compassion and kindness being supplanted by Fear which is bringing forth acts of hate and greed. We find it very hard to process and wonder why we can't agree on something as simple as The Golden Rule to make all of our lives better.

I'm spending today thinking of my young friend and his family - and hoping that his passing isn't only a loss, but compels some of us that knew him (and also those who are reading this) to find that extra fight and work to make the world a place where this never has to happen again to those who are so loving and compassionate.

T.H.

Mother's Day weekend 2024

[rokdog49]

First of all, very sorry and may you have peace and strength.
Suicides are one of those things that just leave most of us devoid of human rationalization. The only one who really knows is the one who chose to leave this human existence.
Life can be so difficult. One thing is certain, putting others first is a good start.

[Jim Owen]

Todd,
I think we are in a crisis time. The decline in male life expectancy (before the events of 2020) indicated that there were a lot of “deaths of despair.” I am unsure what might push the needle in a positive direction.

When I pick up my guitar and play, my stress level decreases. But knowing that and doing that are two different things.

[Riverwolf]

I am a suicide survivor. My wife, Christmas 1995.
There is no such thing as closure.
Just old man time as he greys out and fades memories away.
Maybe the worst part is the shunning.
Intentional or not it happens.
Friends and family don't know how to act.
It is not a car accident, or cancer or whatever.
If you know someone, go to them, many times.
Just offer comfort and some friendship, nothing more.

[Horsehockey]

Peace to all who choose to end their suffering and to the survivors who choose to carry on.

[Gunny]

I've lost 2 Marine brothers, a cousin and a 15 year old boy in my scout troop to to suicide. It isn't something that heals very well. Morose yes. Emotions from survivors are all over the place. Loved ones wished they had known the despair and it isn't something that they really want to explain or even talk about to strangers.
Thanks for sharing Todd.

[fitness1]

Thanks for the replies - gives me more perspective on what to do about the helplessness I feel in regards in what to do and say to his Father.

He had been living with his parents for a couple of years after struggling with a job where he was being overworked. He gave it a second shot and couldn't do it. His Dad told me he felt like he was a burden to them, even though they loved having him home.

I just hope someday we can find a way to provide more help - although I know many times those who follow through don't ask for it, and many times those around them don't know how badly they are struggling.

[12barBill]

I lost my father to suicide on January 12, 1984 leaving me, my brother, my sister, and my mother to try to make sense of it all.

I was 28 years old and the oldest child. I was the rock that tried to hold us all together. I was strong for one year, then I fell apart. I guess what I had repressed finally surfaced. I spent ~two years being angry with everything and everyone.

The lingering questions were "Why did this happen and what could I have done." Somehow I came to realize that there are no answers and those questions may be part of the grieving process but they are not part of the healing process.

I can only think that the level of despair, at a moment in time, when someone can actually commit the act is something beyond comprehension and trying to make sense of it or explain it becomes pointless. I understand the value of suicide prevention programs/efforts but it seems there is a hard to comprehend (and irrational) level of despair where a human mind can decide that suicide is the best, or only, outcome for one's self and/or others.

Todd, from my experience, the best you can do is say "I will do what I can to help you get through this" and periodically make contact to say I'm thinking of you, how are things going. I recall a time after several months when I thought why is everyone acting like this is all over now and things are normal again and I still felt like "did anyone see that truck that just ran over me." If you keep showing his father kindness and genuine concern months from now that is the best you can do.

[fitness1]

Great post my friend - you echoed some of the words my friend said at the funeral home.

I've told him three times now - "Anything you need...." and made sure he knew I meant it.

Going to get him out for a walk when he's ready.

[GoPappy]

12barBill: That was a great post and could have only been written by someone who has been through it. Very well said.

Originally Posted by 12barBill

I lost my father to suicide on January 12, 1984 leaving me, my brother, my sister, and my mother to try to make sense of it all.

I was 28 years old and the oldest child. I was the rock that tried to hold us all together. I was strong for one year, then I fell apart. I guess what I had repressed finally surfaced. I spent ~two years being angry with everything and everyone.

The lingering questions were "Why did this happen and what could I have done." Somehow I came to realize that there are no answers and those questions may be part of the grieving process but they are not part of the healing process.

I can only think that the level of despair, at a moment in time, when someone can actually commit the act is something beyond comprehension and trying to make sense of it or explain it becomes pointless. I understand the value of suicide prevention programs/efforts but it seems there is a hard to comprehend (and irrational) level of despair where a human mind can decide that suicide is the best, or only, outcome for one's self and/or others.

Todd, from my experience, the best you can do is say "I will do what I can to help you get through this" and periodically make contact to say I'm thinking of you, how are things going. I recall a time after several months when I thought why is everyone acting like this is all over now and things are normal again and I still felt like "did anyone see that truck that just ran over me." If you keep showing his father kindness and genuine concern months from now that is the best you can do.

[Cypress Knee]

I had a friend that I met in 2000 when I opened my running store. He was a triathlete and a sales rep for a bicycling company. At some point he was between jobs and came to work at my shop. He was a good guy. He could talk up anyone. Tom Clancy would come in and they would debate Sig Sauer vs. Glock. Michael Phelps would come in and they would chat about breastroke vs. butterfly. He married a good friend and frequent customer of the store.

Eventually he decided to go into business for himself and opened up a competing retail store. It was not a big deal for me as his location only attracted a very small portion of my regular customer base. I would go down and advise him on various business strategies. Eventually, he developed his own brand store and following. As is true with many specialty retail operations, everybody in the running community eventually knew who he was and what his shop offered.

Then somebody outed him as a registered sex offender on social media. He committed suicide that night.