Never felt so helpless....

[fitness1]

Mods - I just remembered after typing all of this that Covid is prohibited - obviously it's NOT the topic here, so please folks don't turn it into that!


Last Monday the nursing home my Mom is in went into Covid lock down again - she's been there six weeks and the first two she was there were in lock down (no visitors) This left me with the only option of doing window visits and having the staff bring in one of the facilities mobile phones so I could see her and talk to her for a few minutes.

This past Thursday I had just gone in to do one of these visits, went home for a bit and then returned to the studio. When I pulled in the parking lot, I got a call from the staff telling me they had tested Mom three times and she's positive - AND, there are no beds in Covid hubs locally so they are sending her to Traverse City - 2 1/2 hours away.

Mom was just getting to the point where she wasn't angry/anxious/paranoid about everything going on around her. She was back to being loving toward me and for the most part very nice to the nurses and staff who were caring for her.

When I spoke to her the first full day she was there (transferred late at night) She was back to acting like I did this to her and that I was conspiring with someone at the new facility. When I told her I loved her at the end of the conversation she said "OK, well, take care".

I know it's not "her" but it doesn't make it any easier - this change of "place" again has sent her right back into a bad place. She's a long ways away, I can't visit her except window visits, and she's sleeping a lot of the time (and I may go up to see her and trigger her anxiety) So driving that distance for now is not really an option.

The only "good" news right now is that 3 days into her diagnosis she's not showing any symptoms. She has both shots (missed the booster by one day at the old facility) But she's well into congestive heart failure, weak, tired and has lost her will.....she's told me several times in lucid moments she just wants to fall asleep.

After taking care of her and Dad for over six years, I was just getting used to letting others care for her. Now I just feel completely helpless.

This has been so hard.

[raysachs]

So sorry to hear. Dealing with elderly parents is hard under the best of circumstances and these aren't those. I wish she and you the best. Hope you get to spend some decent time with her again relatively soon...

-Ray

You have my sympathies.

From 12 to 15 years old I watched my abusive mother slowly die of terminal cancer. With no support structure I was expected to see and do and live through things that should never be expected of child. As a result I've suffered through a lifetime of mental illness.

In my forties I watched my father slowly die of terminal cancer. He often did not know who I was and was at times very agitated and combative near the end. Luckily I had my wife and kids to support me this time. I much preferred going through this as a adult.

I guess these are the prices we must pay to be children.

[Jcamp]

I’m sorry you and her are going though this. Is there a way to buy her I iPad. Most of the facilities around me have free Wifi or you could buy here the cell package with it. That away you can stay connected. It’s not the same as in person but much better than the way it would have been 20 years ago

[Jim Owen]

Todd,
I’m so sorry. I remember when my mom was discharged from assisted living and moved to a memory unit and she thought she’d been kidnapped and I was refusing to help her. Rough times for sons who are used to doing what moms ask.

On a similarly frustrating note, my wife cracked her tibia Tuesday night and had to be ambulanced to the ER. I followed to the ER but wasn’t allowed to sit with her whilst she waited for a room and medical help. (Because of the thing we can’t talk about.) Very helpless. I didn’t see her til they discharged her 6 hrs later.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by Jcamp

I’m sorry you and her are going though this. Is there a way to buy her I iPad. Most of the facilities around me have free Wifi or you could buy here the cell package with it. That away you can stay connected. It’s not the same as in person but much better than the way it would have been 20 years ago

They have Ipads at the facilities, and I have Skype on my laptop, but in her current state (even before the move) it would frustrate and confuse her to see me that way.

Two weeks ago she'd gotten to the point where she didn't understand pushing 2 to speed dial me, or what button to press on her phone to answer. I decided to discontinue the service as the facility has mobile phones they can take to her room and dial my number so we could talk through the window.

I called the place she's in at about 11:30 this morning asking to call me and let us chat when she woke up. It's been almost 5 hours and no call yet. Might be because they are busy or forgot, but it's also possible she said she didn't want to talk to me (thinking I'm the enemy).

Thanks for your kind words of support and PM's everyone. It's just so hard to go through all alone.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

You have my sympathies.

From 12 to 15 years old I watched my abusive mother slowly die of terminal cancer. With no support structure I was expected to see and do and live through things that should never be expected of child. As a result I've suffered through a lifetime of mental illness.

In my forties I watched my father slowly die of terminal cancer. He often did not know who I was and was at times very agitated and combative near the end. Luckily I had my wife and kids to support me this time. I much preferred going through this as a adult.

I guess these are the prices we must pay to be children.

I had a similar situation with my Grandmother at 11 years old - Mom, Dad and my Brother lived with my maternal Grandparents, so we were VERY close. My Gramps had died 3 years earlier, and we brought her home with terminal colon cancer. She passed in our home in the middle of the night.

I'm so sorry you had those experiences, it definitely leaves scars.

[12barBill]

Todd, I was the caregiver for my mother over a span of nine years that progressed from spending nights with her in her home, to daily and nightly visits in assisting living, to daily and nightly visits (and staying on top of sometimes lax staff) in a dementia care setting, constantly worrying and praying for her safety, getting her to medical and dental appointments over that time, handling her financial affairs, and loving her with all my being through it all. As difficult, sometimes frustrating, and frequently exhausting as it was I would do it again without blinking if she needed me.

All that said to say I understand what you feel and what you are going through. I must say there was never a time that I could not be by her side. To have to deal with lock downs, covid quarantine, and separation along with the rest of it would not be a good thing.

We do all we can and we do the best we can. From what I can see you have both of those boxes checked.

You are in my prayers.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by 12barBill

I would do it again without blinking if she needed me.

All that said to say I understand what you feel and what you are going through. I must say there was never a time that I could not be by her side. To have to deal with lock downs, covid quarantine, and separation along with the rest of it would not be a good thing.



You are in my prayers.

No question I'd do it all again - went through it all with Dad as well.

The separation and losing touch with her care, especially during a time when all the facilities are SO short staffed has been incredibly tough.

I had just arranged hospice care for her the morning before I got the news.

I just hope she makes it back "home"

[Silly Moustache]

Hi Fitness, this is something that many of us go through.
I cared for my Dad with Alzheimers from 1979 until 1985. It made me very ill for about ten years after.

My wife's mum lived into her '90s with increasing dementia - she was problematic for Jane, but I could do no wrong in her eyes. I was the last person she spoke to.

I have two close friends going through similar trials right now.

It is rarely easy, but you have to care for yourself as well as our loved ones.

[Kh1967]

Todd,

I am so, so sorry to read this. Your resilience is truly incredible.

Sending all the best to you, and many good thoughts in the hopes that your mom returns back “home.”

[islandguitar]

Todd: As you can "see" and perhaps "feel" we are all "with you" in this serious life altering time. So, sending thoughts your way as this difficult time unfolds.
From having gone through similar with my mother, and a suicidal alcoholic father I'm sure it must feel like you're in some documentary. I know I certainly did. Not fun.....but I know whenever you're on the other side of this you'll look back at having done your best in an impossible situation.
Take good care....hang tough!
Fred

[fitness1]

Thanks everyone - to add to the helplessness, I've made two calls to the facility today requesting to have Mom call me (via one of the facility's phones) when she was awake.

The first time I talked to someone in her unit, and she told me she would do it. The second time, the person on the phone said "all I can do is put it out over the intercom because they are isolated over there" Not even sure what that means, but I was on hold for 10 minutes and nobody ever answered.

No report on her physical condition or a chance to talk to her today.

I know these places are short staffed, but I was assured by the folks I talked to Friday that it would be no problem to communicate (anytime, I was told)

[BrunoBlack]

So sorry Todd. I can imagine the great level of frustration and heartache. But you’re doing everything you can to help your mom. I wish you well.

[eyesore]

So So sorry to hear this . Hang in there .