1st Song I have ever written I need some critique

[zsimmen]

Take a look at me
What is it that you truly see?
Can I make you trust... (in me)
Do you Believe

It isn't hard to see
I'm giving you all of me
But I can't make you come along
I just can't make it on my own

Say I take it off
Say I lay it all on the line
I wanted you to see
what is truly me

It isn't hard to see
That you have all of me
But I can't make you come along
And I can't make it on my own
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that's all I have written so far... after i the second chorus i proceed into a jam that looks like this

e--------------------------------------
b--------------------------------------
g-------0h2-22------------------------
d-------0h2-22------------------------
a---------------------------------------
e---------------3-2-0------------------

i'm kinda struggling on where to go after this I'll try to get a recording for you all up soon when i buy an zoom h4 soon hopefully
thanks
Zack

[FutureFolkie]

pretty neat. remember though, love songs are boring if you just say "ooh babe, I love you". good work though, the only other thing could be try (and only if you want) not rhyming the end of every line. remember, if you don't like it, feel free to disregard this advice.

[zsimmen]

ya people have told me that before but they sort of come out like that but thanks it means alot to see you like it

[HolyRoly]

I like your lyrics, there quite universal, easy to relate too but unique as well, I think thats a good thing when your writing music. I've written a couple myself but havent had them critiqued yet. As far as any advice I may humbly offer...maybe after the second verse throw in a bridge with a change of music pattern, it will lengthen the song and give it some more melody to keep it fresh. You inspire me to start writing again, keep it up!

[ChauncyPepper]

I like it. It's kind of hard knowing how the song flows without music but I'm sure it sounds good. Get that recorded and throw it up!