How do you cope with people not caring about your music?

[KevWind]

Originally Posted by CityPickn

I'm upset so take this with a grain of salt.

I spent a long while learning and crafting a song. Time to memorize it, internalize the rhythm, clear and concise notes. Show it to people who actually know that I put a lot of time into this.

"Oh you should hear Charlie play crazy train...". What? "Your brother Billy had pizza for dinner tonight". They are changing the topic on purpose as if I'm not even aware.

I spent since Sept-friggin-tember on a song and I feel it shows all my lessons paying. Why do I torture myself even showing people? I was proud of it and now I question it.

Right here... You can see why I will never be in a band or gig musician. I can't take people being a jerk to my face. The one person who did it... I've overhead many times before stairway to heaven solo is what they think the apex of guitar. Guess what solo is on the menu? What a sick thrill to pull that out of the bag and ruin it for you. Hardest solo ever?

First I am confused as to what you are actually saying happened exactly.
From this and your other posts It sounds like.

You may have learned a cover song or you may have written an original piece of music ?
You may be talking about playing the banjo or playing a fiddle or playing a guitar ?
You mention lessons are you a beginner ? ( beginner as say defined as someone playing for 3 years or less )

And have no clue what Stairway to Heaven has to do with it ?


Any way yes rejection can be discouraging but it is part of the process ..
In answer to your title question I care about my music so other people caring (while a nice side benefit) is not a concern or a motivation of why I play............ It is really just as simple as that ...... Carry on

[FrankHudson]

I agree with objectively with most things already said in this thread, and I really resonate with what Bob Womack said just above. But let me respond to the OP.

What you described hurts. I know. All the things folks said above about no one absolutely being owed any attention, or folks have different tastes and interests, or may not be in the mood for music or your music are true. Tough love, and reality bites, and all that "good advice" -- what you experienced doesn't feel good.

I have a mantra that sums this up: All Artists Fail. Some have already stated their examples of this. The most popular musical artists are ignored entirely most of the time by most of the people, they just have a considerable audience that listens to them some of the time. And I'll bet if you think of some of your own favorite artists, there could be some songs of theirs that even you, their fan, don't care much for. Many of the artists I like to listen to don't even have that considerable audience. So, finding audiences and consistently pleasing that audience isn't easy, and if you want an audience you have come to terms with failure not being something that can be avoided.

I personally know that being ignored, not recognized, or even disparaged by your own family or loved ones can hurt more than the same response from strangers. That feeling of hurt is simple, but stepping back it's a complex subject, and the same obligation you feel that they owe to your music making you owe to their expressions and contributions to you.

That feeling causes me to seek out and pay attention to other artists to the degree I comfortably can, to make a tiny increase in that too shallow pool of attention. I'm increasingly unlikely to enjoy straightforward bashing of someone else's art, even if I'd generally ignore that artist. More particularly, if they, my family members, were in my place, I tell myself I'd pay attention within reasonable limits

What else did I do? I sought out audiences elsewhere, and eventually found a small one. I know some of my limitations fairly well, I don't expect most will be interested in what I do, but I work to find, and appreciate, those who do listen.

[jaymarsch]

I have found that in most communities, there is a group of people who love music. Or love songwriting, guitar playing, etc. I finally found a songwriting circle in my county and it has become a great, supportive place where I can get feedback on my song or just share it with an appreciative audience. Hopefully, through some searching, you can find such a group in your area.
Best,
Jayne

[TRose]

Originally Posted by raysachs

I’m sorry you find it depressing. I don’t in the least. Everything about playing music is a gift I’m enormously grateful for. Playing music with and for other people can be wonderful - I did a fair amount of it in an earlier part of my life. When I played with other people, they really listened because you have to listen to play effectively with others. When we played for other people, the ones who came to hear us had made a conscious decision to come out and hear some music and they listened, but not THAT closely, because it was also a social occasion and they might have been drinking, talking, dancing, etc, which can result in only cursory “listening”. Even dancing, which is directly related to and involved with the music, doesn’t require much listening beyond basically feeling the rhythm and then interacting with whoever you’re dancing with.

But even the biggest musical stars, who play for thousands of listeners on a nightly basis, spend much more time playing alone than they do with or for others. If they didn’t love it for its own sake, to the point that they’d rather be making music than doing almost anything else, and for huge chunks of time, they’d have never gotten good enough to play for all those people.

So, by all means, play with and for others when you have the opportunity and an interested audience. But understand, your PRIMARY audience is gonna be YOU the vast majority of the time. If you can enjoy it on that level, welcome to lifetime of musical enjoyment! Enjoy the moments of sharing your music with others, but unless you’re one of the rare musical genius / superstars, your music will never matter to anyone else near as much as it matters to you.

I don’t find any of that depressing - I’m just enormously grateful to be able to play music at a level I enjoy. That’s the meat. If others occasionally enjoy it too, a little bit or a lot, that’s just the gravy. You can live without the gravy, but you gotta have the meat (or the vegetarian equivalent)…

Another little aside. I’ve been, at a couple different points in my life, a pretty darn good photographer. I have a good eye for images and the technical skills to make the most of the images I see. I’ve had other photographers who I have enormous respect for really admire my work. Friends and family members loved my stuff, loved getting prints as gifts - they showed a level of enthusiasm you can’t fake. I burned out on photography after just a few years each time. I found it so involving that I couldn’t just walk down the street, or hike in the mountains, and just enjoy the view. I was ALWAYS framing images in my mind. It got exhausting and the only way I could get past it was just to stop. Entirely. Cold turkey. My last bout with photography ended about four years ago after a very creative and fulfilling seven years of it. As a musician, I aspire to be mediocre. I’m way better than I could have hoped when I started 45 years ago, but my limits have always been FAR more profound than my gifts. Nobody who played ever told me I was particularly good at it And yet I never seem to tire of it. I had a long layoff when life was too busy to put enough time into playing, but whenever I’ve been able to play, I’ve absolutely LOVED IT, almost every second of it. People loved my photography - I got great feedback on it. But I ultimately gave it up twice, just because I didn’t like doing it anymore. I’ve gotten minimal positive feedback on my music, but I love doing it, in all of my flaming mediocrity (on a GOOD day)! If other people’s appreciation and approval were what drove any of it, I’d still be doing a ton of photography - I even made some money at it. And I wouldn’t be playing music. But I love playing music far more despite my clear lack of talent for it. So I play music pretty much everyday, mostly for myself. As for photography, I take the occasional family snapshot with my iPhone. Gotta do what you love!

-Ray

Ray,
Your input is fantastic. I enjoyed reading it and I appreciate it very much.

I’ve been pondering this topic this morning after reading and responding above. The disinterest or apathy amongst some people concerning other’s artist endeavors is a reality in all forms of art. Some art forms may seem more “accessible” or “approachable” but it really boils down to how the viewer/audience is wired.

I have a dear friend from college who is an English professor and published poet. Many people who see language only as a tool not only don’t appreciate poetry but find it arduous. I can only imagine the potential disappointment a poet would feel if they didn’t derive joy from the process of having a pertinent idea or feeling worth portraying, being immersed in the art of language, and constructing a poem.

[reeve21]

I'm a very occasional and somewhat reluctant performer, but I'll play a few tunes if asked in a social situation (I don't bring a guitar along unless asked).

I'd prefer to play some finger style thing I've been killing myself to learn, but my friends and family have their favorites that they can sing along to, so that is what they get. So its Ripple and Wagon Wheel, etc. for the adults and Baby Beluga for the grandkids (that is a tough one to spit out repeatedly, I had to make them a video ).

The OP might want to make some recordings and share them with selected friends, or even here on show and tell. More apt to get positive feedback and encouragement from those who share the same interest. We all crave some amount of positive feedback, but I think the longer you play (and continue to improve ) just for the love of it, and trying not to involve your ego too much, the less important what others think becomes. But I must admit I still cringe when I remember my wife saying the first John Hurt tune I ever nailed reminded her of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" song

[DBW]

Originally Posted by Godfather

Are they musicians… by their responses, I doubt it, so don't sweat it. Do what makes YOU happy and do not worry about what others think.

Agreed- Try to find some musician friends. They will appreciate your music more than people who don't know what they are listening to.

[Nymuso]

A man said to the universe:

“Sir, I exist!”

“However,” replied the universe,

“The fact has not created in me

“A sense of obligation.” - Stephen Crane

[Robin, Wales]

Coming back to coping with people not caring about your music.

A certain person in our household will say "Why don't you play songs from THIS century". So when I see a song by Dylan or Townes or Prine etc that I'd really like to do I find a cover on youtube by a funky chick or guy with dyed hair and piercings and show them that saying "I'm thinking of having a go at this new song I've found". Inevitably the song gets the thumbs up and I can then go back to the original and start working on it. Said person being blissfully unaware

[Chipotle]

One thing that seems to be missing from the original post: the context? As many have pointed out, context matters. Was the OP at home? Someone else's home? A bar or other gig? Did they just grab their instrument and say, "Here, listen to this" while people were involved in other stuff at the time, or were folks there to listen to them play?

The greatest music or art in the world will be dismissed if people aren't in a position to be receptive. Playing the same thing at some other time/place might have gotten a completely different reception.

[Malcolm Kindnes]

Originally Posted by 6L6

There was a regular some years back at our local O/M who got all upset because people didn't pay attention to him when he performed. He asked me for a candid assessment and I gave it to him:

1) People are here for entertainment. Covers of popular songs always go over better than originals.

2) Play better.

On point #2, I pointed out that when the O/M host played to kick things off, EVERYONE paid attention. He was an incredible guitarist.

Sometimes in life the truth is just not what you want to hear. I never saw the guy again.

This is very sound advice.
Also learn to accept peoples indifference with good grace.

[thefsb]

I sympathize.

There's something aberrant about investing huge amount of time and effort in getting good at performing music. It requires a degree of obsession. So we musicians can be an interesting bunch. And in our environment that's already over-saturated with music, a lot if it very well crafted, and some of it even good to listen to, it borders on bonkers to attempt to contribute something you think has valuable musical novelty. And to then invest something of your authentic self in that novelty, rather than pandering to the tastes of others, and to present it to an audience, there's a good chance you'll be rejected and it will feel personal.

About 28 months ago I resumed my musical activities after a pause of more than 10 years. I've been practicing, taking lessons, studying, composing. The music I'm pursuing, at the intersection of no-wave avant-garde improv and pop music, is a fringe activity. So my own quest is pretty much Quixotic.

A month or two ago my wife made a remark that really stung me. Doesn't matter what it was. It caught me in a moment when I was fragile, in a bad mood (I quit mood altering phama last year), and stressed from my own quasi-obsessive behaviors. I nearly rage quit. I sold guitars and gear on Craigslist, canceled my lessons, ...

But I recovered. I had to explain to myself: cui bono? Who wins or loses what exactly from my reaction to a hurtful remark? Thankfully none of my rash actions were irreversible. Yesterday I posted and started to circulate a call to audition for the band I'm attempting to form. I had to summon my courage to do it.

Be weary of the feeling that you get from a rage quit. It's a powerful thing but imagine years hence looking back at this. Do you want to have been the one who took all your toys home to play alone, bitter and angry? What did you profit from deciding that "You can see why I will never be in a band or gig musician. I can't take people being a jerk to my face"? Never is a strong word, especially in a promise. Also, why grant these jerks that power over you? Who benefits?

Finally, I don't subscribe to the idea that everyone, ultimately, is just by themselves. That kind of nihilism is a turn off for me. I cannot justify my existence except through my relations with others, including relating through music.

[jseth]

I just realize that most people do not hear or listen to music the way I do... not bad or good, it just IS...

Taking things too personally and projecting my thoughts upon others is something that has given me fits for my entire performing career, some 50+ years now...

I would suggest that you dig deep enough to discover "Why?" you really play and write songs... and follow THAT direction, keeping the "point" very close to your heart... and then, just GET OVER YOURSELF!

[The Bard Rocks]

Originally Posted by MrDB

Many of us have been asked to "bring your guitar" to a party or other gathering. I've done it a few times and stopped doing it years ago for many of the reasons posted in this thread. Get the guitar out, play one or two songs, then most of the people in the room go back to talking, watching TV, etc. So it's just not worth the trouble.

And we all have to remember that people are simply interested in different things. I'd listen to someone that was interested in woodworking, hunting, fishing, old car restoration, etc for a little while but it wouldn't take long for me to lose interest and move on to other topics.

It's just like that with music with other people. It occupies the background while they are eating, cooking, out with friends and most other activities. It's not a passion for them and as a result there is a big difference in their reaction and interest versus ours.

Done that many times. No one paying attention. Then I stop and they ask me why I stopped. Or may come up to me later and say how much they enjoyed it. Background music to them, yes, but that doesn't mean there isn't enjoyment on some level.

To the OP: it looks like you were poorly, impolitely perhaps, received. Notches under my words above. Sucks.

[JB200]

I don't want to be as harsh as "nobody owes you anything", but that is unfortunately the reality. If it's your direct family, I guess it kinda sucks, but forcing them to listen and love your music is probably not a good alternative or realistic. In a way though everything is like this, although I'm not rude about it, my aunt Gretchen's figurine collection is not something I'm interested in.
I'm lucky in that my wife enjoys hearing me play so she will be playing video games and I'll say I'm gonna go downstairs and practice and she will be like "just bring your guitar up here and sit next to me and play". Which frankly is pretty cool. But my siblings or parents couldn't be bothered at all.
The best is to play for people that appreciate it, and know the work that goes into it. Open mic's or jams at least have an audience interested in it.

[tbeltrans]

Originally Posted by Rev Roy

Sorry you had such a bad experience. We’ve all had variations of the same. How do I handle it? Play to fulfill yourself not to please others. If others are impressed too? Cool. If not? Still cool. You don’t need their praise.

Well said.

From the tune Garden Party, you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself.

Tony