Thanksgiving Reflection: In a Year of Turmoil, What Are You Most Grateful For?

[reeve21]

@raysachs--Ray, my heart goes out to you and your family. You did everything more than right by him, but none of us gets to control the results. Terrible tragedy.

You have a grandchild on the way, big congrats on that. Our first one arrived in July (a girl), you have no idea how emotional and great it will be!

[RP]

Originally Posted by raysachs

Thanks for saying that. We’ve heard it often enough form folks familiar with the condition that I believe it. I know we did everything we could for him, but it clearly wasn’t enough. But I guess it was all that was possible for this poor, broken child. I’ve come to terms with all that. But it still hurts a lot.

-Ray

The other thing is that Adam may have been born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, from a mother who used illicit drugs during her pregnancy or just an absence of reasonable prenatal care. All of these can have lasting deleterious effects that will "condemn" the individual despite the best efforts of others in his life. Sadly, sometimes our best efforts just can't override the early damage that's been done. Best wishes for a joyous Thanksgiving despite these tragic recent circumstances. Adam may very well finally be at peace...

[raysachs]

Originally Posted by Glennwillow

Hi Ray,

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and for what you and your family have lost. I hope it helps a little that those of us on the outside of this situation can see that you and your wife did the best that you could. Sometimes that's all that people can do. The big events in life are always beyond our control.

I'm hoping that you and your wife will heal soon from this difficult pain and grief.

- Glenn

Sometimes I wish this forum had a like button. Or a heart button or something. I'm really thankful for the kind words that are being offered in your post Glenn, and now others. I don't have much else to say but thank you.

Originally Posted by rokdog49

Hey Ray,
That was a gut-wrenching story but...
I, for one, am glad you told it both for yourself and for those of us who read it.
We have had a couple of family members whose lives were not unlike your nephew Adam, in many, many ways. One ended in a tragic death similar his and the other is still being played out and in some respect is even worse because children are involved.
The difference with our situation is that we were not as closely and less directly involved in those lives as you.
Still, we were/are affected.
In this season of giving thanks, it is good that you have remembered the joy that Adam’s existence brought you as well as the pain. To be thankful for what you have experienced, both the good and the bad, shows more than balance, it shows a recognition of a higher sensitivity to purpose.
I think we can draw a lot from our relationships with people and life in general that helps us to recognize a “higher purpose” if we are open to it and not given in to loss, pain or confusion.

Your timing is perfect in this season of giving thanks.

Somehow the pain and sadness makes me appreciate all I do have that much more. This was not an unimaginable tragedy - it was a very imaginable tragedy. But that doesn't take any of the sadness out of it. But knowing all of the good we have, even if we could only share a certain amount of it with Adam, just grounds me and makes my tears a strange combination of grief and joy these days.

Thanks so much,

-Ray

[leew3]

Ray,
Thanks for taking the risk of sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear of this tragic loss and hope that you take comfort in knowing the wonderful part you and your wife played in his life while you could.

[raysachs]

Originally Posted by reeve21

@raysachs--Ray, my heart goes out to you and your family. You did everything more than right by him, but none of us gets to control the results. Terrible tragedy.

You have a grandchild on the way, big congrats on that. Our first one arrived in July (a girl), you have no idea how emotional and great it will be!

Thanks Bob. I had a couple of daughters already and I gotta figure this will just be that joy from a slightly different perspective. I'm already emotional thinking about it - we'll love any grandchildren every bit as much as our kids, but we get to give them back for Mom and Dad to change the diapers and get up with in the middle of the night. But yeah, having grandkids makes life kind of feel like it's come full circle in a wonderful way.

Originally Posted by RP

The other thing is that Adam may have been born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, from a mother who used illicit drugs during her pregnancy or just an absence of reasonable prenatal care. All of these can have lasting deleterious effects that will "condemn" the individual despite the best efforts of others in his life. Sadly, sometimes our best efforts just can't override the early damage that's been done. Best wishes for a joyous Thanksgiving despite these tragic recent circumstances. Adam may very well finally be at peace...

We actually thought about that a lot when he was little, but he didn't actually exhibit many of the signs of babies with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. And for all of the problems his mother had, I don't think drinking was one of them. His father is a roaring drunk still, but you don't get that from fathers obviously. So that may have been one bullet he managed to dodge.

Thanks again for all the kind words from everyone...

-Ray

[flaggerphil]

I'm thankful that I'm still alive after finding out I have stage 4, incurable, inoperable, prostate cancer a year ago. So far the meds I take are doing an amazing job and it allows me to enjoy more time with my wife, kids, grandkids, sibs, and the rest of my family and friends.

[Charmed Life Picks]

Originally Posted by raysachs

I'm thankful and grateful for a lot, but nothing is in the same league as how thankful I am for my wonderful family. This was brought home all the more forcefully by a very recent loss that was/is devastating as well as not totally unexpected. I have an amazing wife that after 35 years is more than ever the love of my life and my best friend. I count my blessings every morning when I wake up with her. And together we have two wonderful daughters who have turned into kind and delightful and competent and successful young women, both in their early 30's now. One of them is due to give birth to our first grandchild in less than two months.

We also raised a nephew, the child of my wife's brother and a woman he never had much of a relationship with, both of them have had massive problems through their lives, neither has ever amounted to anything, including being decent people. They're both just kind of wastes. And my nephew never got any sort of love or adequate attention as a baby and developed an attachment disorder that I guess comes from never bonding with a parent, which is devastating for an infant. He spent every summer with us from about the time he was three years old. And then he lived with us full time for a couple of years around kindergarten and first grade. He was a beautiful little kid, I think he was put on earth to be the perfect little kid. As long as he could play with no real responsibilities, he was as full of unencumbered joy as any kid I've ever been around. But he could never handle even the slightest bit of responsibility. I mean NOTHING. He couldn't handle school, he never did household chores, didn't respond to discipline or encouragement. He was just broken from an early age. But my daughters grew up with him as a little brother and he was part of our family.

After a couple years, he stopped living with us full time and went to live with my wife's folks, who lived in the same town with his parents, so at least he got to see them more often - being away from them was really hard on him when he was with us. He didn't do any better in that environment, but he had a larger support system there. He still came to us for summers, and was generally a delight during the summer when not much was asked of him. But when he was in middle school, my father in law died and my mother in law couldn't handle him alone, so he came back to us for the next few years. During the school year, he was worse than ever, just non-stop trouble. My wife is an educator who's dealt with special needs kids most of her career - if anyone was equipped to help this kid, it was her. But despite all of our best efforts, and a herculean effort by various teachers and counselors at school, he just kept doing worse and worse.

He was seeing a psychologist in those years and when I went in to talk to him after Adam's appointment one day, I expressed my concern about how Adam was ever going to handle the adult world. And he said very bluntly, 'you can't worry about that - he is very unlikely to be able to handle it at all. You just have to look at what you're doing as giving him some good years right now, while he's with you. It's the best life he'll ever know, and it's all you can do'. Knocked me back, but he was right. We eventually had to send Adam back to his home town after he started getting violent and threatening my wife and the one daughter who was still at home. It was a wrenching decision, but we clearly weren't doing him any good and he had started doing some real harm to us. He lived back and forth between his mother and father, neither one of them really giving him a home - mostly just a place to crash. He was clearly mentally ill by that time, and was more and more delusional. My wife and I lamented that he was unlikely to live to see 25 the way his life was going. But nobody could seem to help him, despite many efforts to.

In his early 20's he rode his bike out to Colorado and started living on the street in Ft. Collins. I don't think he was homeless the whole time, but he was a lot and recently has been for a few years. His happiest times were honestly when he was in jail. He got arrested and jailed a couple of times and when he was in jail, he had a pace to sleep, three meals, and not a lot was asked of him. Frankly, hard as it is to say, it was the best environment for him. We would hear from him every now and then, as would his grandmother. He'd often ask for money and sometimes we or she would send him some, just to get him through a few more days. My older daughter, who's a doctor and was probably the closest person to him, talked to him and tried to help him get some mental health care, but he was uncooperative. He talked to his father regularly, but there couldn't be a more dysfunctional father / son relationship.

Last week he either picked a fight with or ripped off the wrong person. The police found him stabbed to death the next morning. It took a couple days to ID him and reach his father (fingerprints - he'd been in enough trouble with the law that they had his prints on file). It was one of those events that's totally shocking, but barely surprising. And it's soul crushing at the same time. Everyone tried to help him, nobody could. I'm having trouble pulling up the memories of the bad times with him, which eventually dominated - all I can remember was this magically sweet, fun, little kid. Of picking him up in a swimming pool when he was so smooth and slippery I could barely hang on to him. Of having to go up and get him out of trees he'd climbed too high in and couldn't figure out how to get down. He was a wonderful little guy, but he never had a chance at growing up. It seems obvious now, but we fought so hard to try to get him in a better place. And, as his psychologist said, when we had him, it was the best his life ever got and we have to be glad we were able to give him that. Even if we couldn't fix him or prepare him for a future he never could handle.

So I'm incredibly thankful for my family, but also ripped apart about this missing member of it, who will never torment or delight us again. He's just gone. I can't say it's quite like losing my own kid - i'd be catatonic and hysterical and totally unable to function if that ever happened. I'm not there, but I'm just so sad. As is my wife, who put more effort and love into that little guy than anybody. That, and just being the two of us for Thanksgiving, makes this a real bittersweet holiday. But we have a grandchild coming soon and life will go on, and be unbearably sweet most of the time, and we'll cope with the loss of Adam, which was long feared and finally did come to pass. He turned 30 in June.

Sorry to burden you all with this - I guess I needed to write it down somewhere.

-Ray

Ray, thank you for baring your soul. It's just heartbreaking, but we can't save everyone. One of my stepsisters, a very bright person with a degree but with a mean streak and a victim mentality, has chosen to be a bag lady. None of us talk to her, and she is a lost soul.

I pray you will find peace in this eventually, and that you'll come to be kind to yourself for all you did for this troubled soul. You fought the good fight, Ray. Be easy on yourself.

All the Best,
Scott

[Don Lampson]

Originally Posted by raysachs

I'm thankful and grateful for a lot, but nothing is in the same league as how thankful I am for my wonderful family. This was brought home all the more forcefully by a very recent loss that was/is devastating as well as not totally unexpected. I have an amazing wife that after 35 years is more than ever the love of my life and my best friend. I count my blessings every morning when I wake up with her. And together we have two wonderful daughters who have turned into kind and delightful and competent and successful young women, both in their early 30's now. One of them is due to give birth to our first grandchild in less than two months.

We also raised a nephew, the child of my wife's brother and a woman he never had much of a relationship with, both of them have had massive problems through their lives, neither has ever amounted to anything, including being decent people. They're both just kind of wastes. And my nephew never got any sort of love or adequate attention as a baby and developed an attachment disorder that I guess comes from never bonding with a parent, which is devastating for an infant. He spent every summer with us from about the time he was three years old. And then he lived with us full time for a couple of years around kindergarten and first grade. He was a beautiful little kid, I think he was put on earth to be the perfect little kid. As long as he could play with no real responsibilities, he was as full of unencumbered joy as any kid I've ever been around. But he could never handle even the slightest bit of responsibility. I mean NOTHING. He couldn't handle school, he never did household chores, didn't respond to discipline or encouragement. He was just broken from an early age. But my daughters grew up with him as a little brother and he was part of our family.

After a couple years, he stopped living with us full time and went to live with my wife's folks, who lived in the same town with his parents, so at least he got to see them more often - being away from them was really hard on him when he was with us. He didn't do any better in that environment, but he had a larger support system there. He still came to us for summers, and was generally a delight during the summer when not much was asked of him. But when he was in middle school, my father in law died and my mother in law couldn't handle him alone, so he came back to us for the next few years. During the school year, he was worse than ever, just non-stop trouble. My wife is an educator who's dealt with special needs kids most of her career - if anyone was equipped to help this kid, it was her. But despite all of our best efforts, and a herculean effort by various teachers and counselors at school, he just kept doing worse and worse.

He was seeing a psychologist in those years and when I went in to talk to him after Adam's appointment one day, I expressed my concern about how Adam was ever going to handle the adult world. And he said very bluntly, 'you can't worry about that - he is very unlikely to be able to handle it at all. You just have to look at what you're doing as giving him some good years right now, while he's with you. It's the best life he'll ever know, and it's all you can do'. Knocked me back, but he was right. We eventually had to send Adam back to his home town after he started getting violent and threatening my wife and the one daughter who was still at home. It was a wrenching decision, but we clearly weren't doing him any good and he had started doing some real harm to us. He lived back and forth between his mother and father, neither one of them really giving him a home - mostly just a place to crash. He was clearly mentally ill by that time, and was more and more delusional. My wife and I lamented that he was unlikely to live to see 25 the way his life was going. But nobody could seem to help him, despite many efforts to.

In his early 20's he rode his bike out to Colorado and started living on the street in Ft. Collins. I don't think he was homeless the whole time, but he was a lot and recently has been for a few years. His happiest times were honestly when he was in jail. He got arrested and jailed a couple of times and when he was in jail, he had a pace to sleep, three meals, and not a lot was asked of him. Frankly, hard as it is to say, it was the best environment for him. We would hear from him every now and then, as would his grandmother. He'd often ask for money and sometimes we or she would send him some, just to get him through a few more days. My older daughter, who's a doctor and was probably the closest person to him, talked to him and tried to help him get some mental health care, but he was uncooperative. He talked to his father regularly, but there couldn't be a more dysfunctional father / son relationship.

Last week he either picked a fight with or ripped off the wrong person. The police found him stabbed to death the next morning. It took a couple days to ID him and reach his father (fingerprints - he'd been in enough trouble with the law that they had his prints on file). It was one of those events that's totally shocking, but barely surprising. And it's soul crushing at the same time. Everyone tried to help him, nobody could. I'm having trouble pulling up the memories of the bad times with him, which eventually dominated - all I can remember was this magically sweet, fun, little kid. Of picking him up in a swimming pool when he was so smooth and slippery I could barely hang on to him. Of having to go up and get him out of trees he'd climbed too high in and couldn't figure out how to get down. He was a wonderful little guy, but he never had a chance at growing up. It seems obvious now, but we fought so hard to try to get him in a better place. And, as his psychologist said, when we had him, it was the best his life ever got and we have to be glad we were able to give him that. Even if we couldn't fix him or prepare him for a future he never could handle.

So I'm incredibly thankful for my family, but also ripped apart about this missing member of it, who will never torment or delight us again. He's just gone. I can't say it's quite like losing my own kid - i'd be catatonic and hysterical and totally unable to function if that ever happened. I'm not there, but I'm just so sad. As is my wife, who put more effort and love into that little guy than anybody. That, and just being the two of us for Thanksgiving, makes this a real bittersweet holiday. But we have a grandchild coming soon and life will go on, and be unbearably sweet most of the time, and we'll cope with the loss of Adam, which was long feared and finally did come to pass. He turned 30 in June.

Sorry to burden you all with this - I guess I needed to write it down somewhere.

-Ray

What a tragic, heartbreaking story! You have my sympathy, and understanding about the sorrow of such a relationship. You did what you could do, and it wasn't enough. It just seems not everyone can make proper choices in their lives, and some were born for trouble from start to finish?

As a former prison counselor, I frequently read history reports on convicts, who's lives just seemed a progression of bad, to worse.... I wish you peace during such a difficult time....

Don

[Glennwillow]

Originally Posted by flaggerphil

I'm thankful that I'm still alive after finding out I have stage 4, incurable, inoperable, prostate cancer a year ago. So far the meds I take are doing an amazing job and it allows me to enjoy more time with my wife, kids, grandkids, sibs, and the rest of my family and friends.

Hi Phil,

I wish you well! It's really good to have a positive attitude as you do about this kind of illness. I hope you still have plenty of time with your family!

Take care and Happy Thanksgiving!

- Glenn

[Dru Edwards]

I'm thankful for my great AGF friends.

[raysachs]

Originally Posted by flaggerphil

I'm thankful that I'm still alive after finding out I have stage 4, incurable, inoperable, prostate cancer a year ago. So far the meds I take are doing an amazing job and it allows me to enjoy more time with my wife, kids, grandkids, sibs, and the rest of my family and friends.

That's a struggle I think we all dread, and only hope if ever confronted with it, we could handle it as well as you are, stressing the present, knowing the future is gonna take care of itself anyway.

Hang in there - savor every moment...

-Ray

[MrDB]

I'm retiring. 12/23/20 will be my last day at the office. I had a massive cancer scare in the fall of 2018. It ended with an amputation of my right leg to save my life. It's been a huge adjustment to a new life that is so much different than before.

But I'm still here. There was a time when it was doubtful that I would live to see retirement. But I did.

Being handicapped sucks, I won't try to sugarcoat it. Being alive does not suck. I highly recommend it

So to be here to aggravate the grandkids, watch them roll their eyes when I tell my grandpa jokes, to dispense questionable advice to my kids, to have a wife that tolerates me with the patience of Job, to play guitar badly and sing even baddlier, I'm thankful.

[Glennwillow]

Originally Posted by MrDB

I'm retiring. 12/23/20 will be my last day at the office. I had a massive cancer scare in the fall of 2018. It ended with an amputation of my right leg to save my life. It's been a huge adjustment to a new life that is so much different than before.

But I'm still here. There was a time when it was doubtful that I would live to see retirement. But I did.

Being handicapped sucks, I won't try to sugarcoat it. Being alive does not suck. I highly recommend it

So to be here to aggravate the grandkids, watch them roll their eyes when I tell my grandpa jokes, to dispense questionable advice to my kids, to have a wife that tolerates me with the patience of Job, to play guitar badly and sing even baddlier, I'm thankful.

Hi Mr DB,

Man, I'm glad you're still with us! What an ordeal!

And congratulations on your coming retirement in December! That is wonderful for you to have reached that point!

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Glenn

[MrDB]

Originally Posted by Glennwillow

Hi Mr DB,

Man, I'm glad you're still with us! What an ordeal!

And congratulations on your coming retirement in December! That is wonderful for you to have reached that point!

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Glenn

Thanks Glenn and I wish you and your family have a wonderful day as well.

[Charmed Life Picks]

Such power and bravery in all the responses here. I'm truly touched and humbled.

Interestingly, Ray, my son-in-law is going through some similar issues with the son from his first marriage.

It took me decades to let myself off the hook for things I did to hurt others, or things I didn't do and shouldn't have. But we are human. We are imperfect. And we are not all-powerful.

Finally I learned the hard lesson in a saying I came to realize: "Let's stop convicting ourselves of crimes we haven't committed."

It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Go easy on yourself.

Scott Memmer