The big D

[flaggerphil]

As a couple of others here, my first marriage lasted ten years with two kids. The breakup was not amicable and the child custody dispute was very, very ugly. However, I did get over it, got the kids, and five years later married a woman I've been together with for almost 33 years now.

Divorce is very tough but it is survivable. If you don't have a support group of family or friends, there are groups that can really help.

Good luck.

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by flaggerphil

Divorce is very tough but it is survivable. If you don't have a support group of family or friends, there are groups that can really help.

Good luck.

I am going to need a lot of support.
As someone that suffers from anxiety,
a divorce will make my anxiety go thru the roof.
But it is becoming more clear that my marriage
is in big trouble and may not survive.
Thanks to all for your advice and support.

[Kerbie]

Please, let's keep this polite and kind.

[seannx]

I've been divorced 3 times. My first marriage lasted 10 years, the second 5, and my third almost 20.

The best advice I got when going through #1, was from a guy I worked for, who passed on the best advice he had received, when he went through his divorce. It was basically that as rough, sad, upset, etc. you may feel at this stage, in a year you will feel a whole lot better. That's been true every time.

One very important thing to realize is that if you give your best effort to be fair and considerate, while making sure your most important needs are respected, you will have no second guessing or regrets about what you might have been able to do.

Counseling and support will be a big help. Stay active. Exercise like running or cycling, sports, playing guitar, etc. are often the best mood enhancers and therapy. Please keep us in the loop.

[RP]

It's been about 20 years since I was in your shoes, but unfortunately there were multiple personal/professional issues facing me simultaneously so it was pretty impossible to deal with any one of them with full attention. In short, I was a hot mess, and it was only through counseling, a new-found trust in a High Power and time that I made it past that time when my life was spinning around the bottom of the bowl. I couldn't count the number of times that I told myself (as did others) that we're not given more than we handle. The irony is that the more that we're able to handle, the stronger we become. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger and all that. I did make it past that dark period, and I'm here to tell you that things worked out very well.

I'm sure that you're seeing yourself as maimed in some way, but eventually you're going to see yourself as whole because this too shall pass. Good luck to you...

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

I am going to need a lot of support.
As someone that suffers from anxiety,
a divorce will make my anxiety go thru the roof.

I've never been married, and never suffered from anxiety, but I've been "counseling" my 83 year old mother (who just lost her husband of 64 years) for the better part of 40 years. Her anxiety is extremely hard on everyone around her, as well as her self, of course.

Maybe look at this situation as an "opportunity" to not spend the rest of your life in the grip of anxiety - maybe the catalyst to attempt to overcome it? Getting the help that you are may help you enough that you'll look back on this time as a new beginning to a better life.

All of my best friends have been through divorces after long marriages. Some handle it better than others as others have said. Don't be afraid to reach out, and like another said - think about NOT doing things that you won't be proud of 10 years from now. Emotions can lead us to do things that are downright crazy. DON'T do that.

[buddyhu]

Here is a quote that really captures how I feel about my experience of divorce (and about other things, as well...but especially about the transformative power of that time). I hope it is useful to you:

"Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me."

[Dirk Hofman]

Sorry to hear the difficult news. I wish you the best, whatever that may be. Hang in there.

[skitoolong]

I had a 20 year marriage and two kids. The last 8 or so years were miserable. Alcohol, drugs, mental instability (not mine). I towed that “until death do us part” line until my family was concerned that I wouldn’t survive it.

One morning I woke up and decided I would rather live penniless under a bridge than spend another month in the house.

Long story short I walked away from the house (and a lot more possessions I had worked long to obtain) and with my two kids’ support started over at 50. In an improbable set of circumstances I met the most incredible woman on the planet and am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I changed everything and took up playing the guitar as part of my life reboot. I miss nothing I left behind.

AE, You’re not ready until you’re ready and that is what I have told friends that have asked. But once that switch gets flipped, go all in and don’t look back.

[skitoolong]

Originally Posted by buddyhu

Here is a quote that really captures how I feel about my experience of divorce (and about other things, as well...but especially about the transformative power of that time). I hope it is useful to you:

"Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me."

^^^This is perfect

[SpiderTrap]

Very sorry to hear Eagle . Got my one and only divorce out of the way early Married at 20 , Divorced by 23 - one kid . Had no idea - worked a midnight came home house was cleaned out and never saw them again , paid 18 yrs small child support, never knew where they ( Mother in Law also )were , was thru court ? This one's lasted 40 years so a lil late to be talkin divorce now . I Hope . Be strong , could be worse , maybe things will turn around ...karma on first wife , found out later .. I turned out successful and she married an idiot. Life has many strange twists . Mother in Law ( controlled her life ) Hated me from the start, shoulda been huge red Flag but was too young to notice ..

[Murphy Slaw]

After my first, I learned to cover my assets and not get emotionally overboard again.

In the corner of your mind, always remember this ordeal.

[00Buck]

Divorced from my grade school sweetheart after 28 years together and 18 years of marriage. It was crushing, but necessary. I poured all my energy into work. One day about 4 months later, I woke up and said to myself, "What am I going to do today?" The answer came in the same thought, "Anything I want to." It was a new day.

A couple of things I still remember in a haunting way. One was the loneliness. When the only sound you will hear in the house is the noise you make. Second, and perhaps more difficult, was feeling unmoored. With so much of my life wrapped around another person, it required putty all my personal history in a new perspective. That took a while.

I've seen people fight to the death over the $100 mantle clock in the family room. It's not worth it. The best advice on this page is from RedJoker. It's excellent advice for life in general, but especially when your guts have been ripped out by divorce. Hang in there and you'll come out on the other side sooner than you think.

Originally Posted by RedJoker

One bit of advice I'll share: for every decision you make, think to yourself, will I be proud of how I handled this in ten years? That kept me from doing a lot of stupid things.

[Basalt Beach]

AE,

Sorry to read your post. I am married to my best friend & soulmate, so I have no perspective on what you fear may be ahead of you. I learned long ago, that even best friends can have differences, and like many couples we have the occasional heated disagreements, however long ago, I realized to never maximize the minimum at the expense of the whole. I am simply blessed my better half has the same perspective.

There are many good responses here for you and I hope you find solace and heed the advice from the positivity of those who have gone through the journey.

[Steve-arino]

I feel for you AE. My wife and I divorced 8 years ago after 21 years of marriage. The kids were in their teens and the hardest thing for me was not leaving her, it was leaving the kids. I moved to an apartment about a half hour away and continued to see them a few times a week but of course it was gut wrenching.

Thankfully, my ex and I worked out an amicable divorce through a mediator (not a lawyer) and split whatever we had down the middle. A mediator is a relatively cheap path; we had other friends who had divorced and spent a fortune on attorneys with no gain for anyone but the attorneys.

My only advice to you is to please please try to keep the process as objective as possible. When you feel yourself getting to the edge with her, pull back. If she won't, you must.

My kids now live in Boston and San Francisco. I live in Florida. I'm writing this sitting in SFO (San Francisco In'tl Airport) waiting for my flight back to FL after spending 4 days doing up the town with them. We had a lot of fun but I cried a few times as I hadn't done since I moved to the apartment after the divorce.

Yes divorce affects children. Yes divorce affects relationships with children. Divorce affects life. Both my kids (23 and 26 now) are going through counseling to help deal with their feelings about themselves, their mom and me. But overall they're doing great and moving through life and I'm a proud Dad.

I've learned to live with not knowing what tomorrow will bring. That was a gift from my divorce. Playing guitar helps tremendously.