The big D

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by 1neeto

Marriage is a team effort for it to work out. Let her know you’re doing everything you can to salvage it and ask her if she’s doing the same or if she’s just done. No sense to try if she’s not trying as hard.

The main issue is she has a drinking problem.
When she is not drinking, we get along great.
When she drinks, her personality does a 180
and it leads to arguments and mean words to me,
and our sons sometimes.

[Kerbie]

Sounds like she needs to go to Al Anon or get medical help from somewhere. Hope she does...

[leew3]

I haven't been following this thread but given your last post might suggest Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery for you if you're interested in support.

[Jim Owen]

Hi Eagle,

I agree with Kerbie and Lee. Addiction doesn’t go away on its own. And it harms the other folk involved.

[skitoolong]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

The main issue is she has a drinking problem.
When she is not drinking, we get along great.
When she drinks, her personality does a 180
and it leads to arguments and mean words to me,
and our sons sometimes.

My ex had a drinking problem that ultimately ruined the marriage.
I tried various programs for her and us to get through it, and lots of money doing it over a 10 year period.

Bottom line is she didn't buy in deep down, and nothing stuck. A person isn't ready until they are ready.

[Dirk Hofman]

Originally Posted by leew3

I haven't been following this thread but given your last post might suggest Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery for you if you're interested in support.

I've seen this be helpful for people who are involved with those who have the problem. This seems like a good idea.

[The Kid!]

It gets better, but you have to go through your process. I'm sorry that you or anyone has to go through this. I doubt anyone gets married with divorce in mind.

[1neeto]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

The main issue is she has a drinking problem.

When she is not drinking, we get along great.

When she drinks, her personality does a 180

and it leads to arguments and mean words to me,

and our sons sometimes.

Does she recognizes her drinking problem and wants to change it? You have to think of the kids too.

[Neil K Walk]

Kids certainly trump the issue and there are two widely opposing sides on the whole divorce debate. Still, addiction along IMO shouldn't be a reason to walk away from a marriage. I guess it all depends on how old your sons are and if your wife values her relationship with them, because if it come up in divorce court that she's verbally abusive and abusing alcohol and the kids are minors - well, then it's gonna cost her. If they're adults and she gets along with them when she's sober though, then on the upside maybe you all could stage an intervention.

Regardless, first things first I'd get rid of all the alcohol in the house. Neither of you need it. For you, it's a depressant and you're depressed enough. For her, it's just plain evil. Maybe if that element were taken out of the house then perhaps you two may be able to get along.

If she's an addicted in any way or form though - and IMO even "casual" drinkers may have some need to have alcohol - then you're in for a fight and you'll need help. To do that you will have to enlist others to back you up, but - and this is key - YOU have to change as well and not play a part in her temptation.

[fumei]

You say you are afraid of being alone. I get that. We all are. But speaking from experience, if she has a serious drinking problem (or drug problem, it does not matter which it is), then in a very real way...you are already alone.

I strongly agree with the other post re: Al Anon. Dealing with someone with an addiction is very very difficult, and you need help.

Posting here is a brave and positive thing to do. I applaud your courage. It indicates to me that you WILL survive the process (whatever it may be). It may seem unbelievable now, but it is extremely likely that eventually you will come to think the Big D was the best thing to happen.

I would not have believed it back during mine, but yes it was for the better.

[AmericanEagle]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

Kids certainly trump the issue and there are two widely opposing sides on the whole divorce debate. Still, addiction along IMO shouldn't be a reason to walk away from a marriage. I guess it all depends on how old your sons are and if your wife values her relationship with them, because if it come up in divorce court that she's verbally abusive and abusing alcohol and the kids are minors - well, then it's gonna cost her. If they're adults and she gets along with them when she's sober though, then on the upside maybe you all could stage an intervention.

Regardless, first things first I'd get rid of all the alcohol in the house. Neither of you need it. For you, it's a depressant and you're depressed enough. For her, it's just plain evil. Maybe if that element were taken out of the house then perhaps you two may be able to get along.

If she's an addicted in any way or form though - and IMO even "casual" drinkers may have some need to have alcohol - then you're in for a fight and you'll need help. To do that you will have to enlist others to back you up, but - and this is key - YOU have to change as well and not play a part in her temptation.

My stepson, her first son, no longer talks to her. She ruined that relationship.
Our own son together, who just turned 18, still gets along with his mom, but
also hates it when she drinks. And he has told me he wants to live with me if we split up. Years ago I removed all alcohol from the house. Since then she’s been sneaking it in. We tried an intervention and it failed.

[RP]

Originally Posted by fumei

You say you are afraid of being alone. I get that. We all are. But speaking from experience, if she has a serious drinking problem (or drug problem, it does not matter which it is), then in a very real way...you are already alone....

That's a really good and insightful point....

[fumei]

Originally Posted by RP

That's a really good and insightful point....

Painfully acquired I'm afraid.

[Don Lampson]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

My stepson, her first son, no longer talks to her. She ruined that relationship.
Our own son together, who just turned 18, still gets along with his mom, but
also hates it when she drinks. And he has told me he wants to live with me if we split up. Years ago I removed all alcohol from the house. Since then she’s been sneaking it in. We tried an intervention and it failed.

Yowza! Your troubles sound worse all the time. This isn't just something that suddenly changed apparently? Drinking must been the 800 lb gorilla in the room "for years"..... If she doesn't change, then nothing else will either...

A fellow songwriter wrote a song about his love than went sour. The lyrics go... "I used to think you were better than nothing, but, - Nothing is better than you!" Since you're seeking advice, here it is... I'd run if I were in your shoes - Quick as I could!

Best of luck with your problems. Each step to extricate yourself from them will seem insurmountable.... I wish you the best...

Don

[skitoolong]

Originally Posted by AmericanEagle

My stepson, her first son, no longer talks to her. She ruined that relationship.
Our own son together, who just turned 18, still gets along with his mom, but
also hates it when she drinks. And he has told me he wants to live with me if we split up. Years ago I removed all alcohol from the house. Since then she’s been sneaking it in. We tried an intervention and it failed.

My situation was very close to this.

Inasmuch as she wasn’t ready to quit alcohol, neither was I ready to quit the marriage until the moment I was. After I made the decision one morning to move out and divorce, I moved quickly and never looked back.

It cost a lot of money, time and effort. Kids were great with it.

Best decision of my life.