Playing a wedding and I have some questions

[Photojeep]

Hi,
I've mentioned several times I play guitar and sing at my church and a couple weeks ago one of my choir members, and a very dear friend, asked me to play at her daughter's wedding.

Playing isn't really an issue for me as I've been playing at church for over 20 years but there is some family conflict with regards to which songs to play and I could use some AGF wisdom.

The wedding will be in a Catholic Church and the bride is Catholic while the groom is not. The groom's mother is a HUGE Beatles fan and sent a list to the couple asking for every song in the service to be one Beatles tune or another. With the mother of the bride being staunchly Catholic, this was a non-starter as Beatles music, while greatly appreciated, is not liturgical in any sense of the word.

When I received the list from the couple, it included a note that they were open to changes if I couldn't play the songs they'd sent. This same list was sent to the bride's mother, hence her reaction.

Yesterday she compiled a list that is somewhat of a compromise with "church" music for all parts but the recessional where "Here comes the Sun" is requested.

I'm ok with the selections of this new list except for the entrance where the bride's mother has selected, "Love me Tender"

She wants me to send the list to the couple without telling them she had anything to do with the selections. Apparently she feels they will reject them out of hand if they know she had anything to do with them.

I'm pretty sure I can handle the couple's potential reaction to changing the list but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what entrance song I should suggest.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
PJ

[mr. beaumont]

Hmmm...what does the COUPLE want?

Mom should shut up and wear beige.

Catholics must be different here in Chicago, most Catholic weddings I've played have all had "secular" music, lots of Beatles, standards, heck, I played an arrangement of the Jurrasic Park theme as processional music once (at the request of bride and groom, not my own idea!)

You might try the love theme from a classic movie...Cinema Paradiso? It's beautiful and wordless, no worries of upsetting anyone.

[Jobe]

"Why Don't We Do It In The Road" can make for a dramatic entrance. It can sound very liturgical if accompanied by a pipe organ. Just a thought.

[DenverSteve]

Your only requirement is to work for your boss - the person who hired you. In many churches, the priest/pastor will tell you what can’t be played in his/her church/Parrish. If there are no church limitations you answer to the couple or bride’s parents who generally pay for the wedding. I certainly would not be involved in passing notes, or adding music, from the mother in law.

[Goat Mick]

I think I would run, not walk from this situation. I don't see it ending well. Good luck bud.

[KevWind]

Originally Posted by Photojeep

Hi,
I've mentioned several times I play guitar and sing at my church and a couple weeks ago one of my choir members, and a very dear friend, asked me to play at her daughter's wedding.

Playing isn't really an issue for me as I've been playing at church for over 20 years but there is some family conflict with regards to which songs to play and I could use some AGF wisdom.

The wedding will be in a Catholic Church and the bride is Catholic while the groom is not. The groom's mother is a HUGE Beatles fan and sent a list to the couple asking for every song in the service to be one Beatles tune or another. With the mother of the bride being staunchly Catholic, this was a non-starter as Beatles music, while greatly appreciated, is not liturgical in any sense of the word.

When I received the list from the couple, it included a note that they were open to changes if I couldn't play the songs they'd sent. This same list was sent to the bride's mother, hence her reaction.

Yesterday she compiled a list that is somewhat of a compromise with "church" music for all parts but the recessional where "Here comes the Sun" is requested.

I'm ok with the selections of this new list except for the entrance where the bride's mother has selected, "Love me Tender"

She wants me to send the list to the couple without telling them she had anything to do with the selections. Apparently she feels they will reject them out of hand if they know she had anything to do with them.

I'm pretty sure I can handle the couple's potential reaction to changing the list but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what entrance song I should suggest.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
PJ

WOW interesting how some in-laws assume that their personal interests should be a factor ?
That said: This should solve your problem

One of,,,,, if not the biggest hit, with the audience and participants , when I play at weddings ( and I would think be accepted heartily by all denominations ) is "The Wedding Song" (There is Love) by Noel Paul Stookey

[Jobe]

Yes. That was going to be my second suggestion. That's a good one. (see above... not too far above.)

[bufflehead]

Originally Posted by Photojeep

She wants me to send the list to the couple without telling them she had anything to do with the selections. Apparently she feels they will reject them out of hand if they know she had anything to do with them.

I've played a number of Catholic weddings, although not recently.

The groom's mother's strategy is barbaric. You are working for the couple. Suggest a nice processional and move on.

If you do fingerstyle, "Devoted to You" by the Everly Brothers works nicely. Something more upbeat that you could consider is "The Song is Love" by Mary Travers. Peter Paul and Mary's wedding song, "There is Love" probably works best of all.

[DCCougar]

Originally Posted by mr. beaumont

Mom should shut up and wear beige.

Hilarious! LOL!!!

[ChuckS]

Originally Posted by DenverSteve

Your only requirement is to work for your boss - the person who hired you. In many churches, the priest/pastor will tell you what can’t be played in his/her church/Parrish. If there are no church limitations you answer to the couple or bride’s parents who generally pay for the wedding. I certainly would not be involved in passing notes, or adding music, from the mother in law.

In some Catholic churches (i.e. mine) only 'Catholic hymns' are allowed during the wedding service (or funeral service), but prior to and after the priest may be more open to secular songs.

If it were me, and I'm glad it's not, I would tell the groom's mother that you need to work with the couple and work within the guidelines provided by the priest. Let the groom's mother know that you cannot take guidance directly from her. Then again, I probably shouldn't give you such direct advice as there is no way I can fully understand your situation. Good luck.

[Tele1111]

Hey Photojeep,

This is one of those situations where diplomacy is called for. Unfortunately,
there may be no good exit for you. Were these not friends, I would agree with turning down the gig and distancing yourself from the situation.

So here's my best advice.

The couple hired you correct? If so, inform them of the Brides mothers request, and ask kindly but firmly to inform you when they have all reached a decision.

The fact that the Brides mother doesn't want them to know she's asked you to change the set list is a giant red flag.

Be understanding in your reply, but as I said, be firm that you can not and will not be involved in the decisions made in someone else's wedding.

If the Brides mother then becomes upset with you, there's little you can do about it. SHE DID NOT HIRE YOU.

Asking you to change the setlist on the "sly", is akin to putting your nose where it doesn't belong. This forces you to "lie" and exonerates her. Completely inappropriate to do.

Putting the ball back in their court may alienate the Brides mother, but I think it's the only real option she's left you.

Good luck,

Mark

[Denny B]

I wouldn't have any part in picking the music, or be the middle man for future in-laws...

I'd do the original set list requested by the Bride, and if I couldn't perform one, I'd let her choose another song...and then I'd do my job and play...

If the future MIL would continue making me uncomfortable, I'd respectfully remove myself from the situation...

FWIW, my "very dear friends" wouldn't dream of putting me in such a position...

[Woolbury]

I've only played at 2 weddings, but played Canon as processional at both. I was able to work out a version in open D tuning that allowed me to noodle aimlessly as folks got seated, then move into arrangement at brides entrance. Isn't this the classic entrance tune?

[mr. beaumont]

Originally Posted by Tele1111

Hey Photojeep,

This is one of those situations where diplomacy is called for. Unfortunately,
there may be no good exit for you. Were these not friends, I would agree with turning down the gig and distancing yourself from the situation.

So here's my best advice.

The couple hired you correct? If so, inform them of the Brides mothers request, and ask kindly but firmly to inform you when they have all reached a decision.

The fact that the Brides mother doesn't want them to know she's asked you to change the set list is a giant red flag.

Be understanding in your reply, but as I said, be firm that you can not and will not be involved in the decisions made in someone else's wedding.

If the Brides mother then becomes upset with you, there's little you can do about it. SHE DID NOT HIRE YOU.

Asking you to change the setlist on the "sly", is akin to putting your nose where it doesn't belong. This forces you to "lie" and exonerates her. Completely inappropriate to do.

Putting the ball back in their court may alienate the Brides mother, but I think it's the only real option she's left you.

Good luck,

Mark

And demand a date that the list be settled by. I got an email once two days before asking for a whole different group of tunes. Not fun.

[lodi_55]

I've played a couple of hundred weddings over the last ten years, so I feel comfortable giving you this suggestion:

Run, don't walk, away from this opportunity.