How would you improve this song?

[Silly Moustache]

Hi Neil,

another fine piece of songwriting. the "metaphors" are fine with me and perhaps a not dissimilar construct to the Jimmy Webb song "I was a Highwayman" - maybe a transient soul and the many lives led.

An unresolved lyric can confuse some, or inspire a thoughtful lyric to create their own vision. That's a good thing!

We have had similar conversations before about your songs and I'm wondering whether you'd like to meet up again, however, if you would like to send me the cheat sheet in a word document, using the same email addy, I'd have ago at re-arranging it in an alternative style for you, as I've done before.

Sadly I can't seem to screen print what you have published here.

Regards, ol' Andy

[RedJoker]

I find this kind of collaboration fascinating and extremely helpful for us all to learn. I'm not getting all the metaphors exactly but it's obviously not a happy song and full of tribulation.

If this were my song, I'd try to incorporate some of that struggle into the sound of my guitar playing. For instance, you keep a rock solid roll throughout the song. I think the pace is good but maybe try changing around the roll patterns. For instance, if you you start out with a quarter note roll, then jump to 1/8s, then 1/16s, etc. I would feel more angst, which done in combination with your lyrics, gives me a much more emotional response. Heck, maybe stop playing all together (or just one root note per measure) at "O sweet angel take me home." Of course, it may not work out at all, just something I would try.

Fantastic thread!

[foxo]

Wow, thanks all for the feedback and suggestions, I’m really pleased the thread has taken off after a slow start and you have all given me a lot to work with. Andy, will email you later tonight with the word processed lyrics.

[Bushleague]

Originally Posted by Mbroady

Definitely a valid view point. Vague works for many songs/writers/listeners. I do appreciate the poetic license of the lyrics as they are. But once the OP mentioned the biblical reference it all clicked for me.

I guess it all comes down to the intent and preference of the writer. As the listener my preference (sometimes) is to have a reference to hang on to. Sometimes all that is needed is one line or one word to ground you.

In regards to the music I think it’s great. I do agree with the folks that say try different inversions up the neck to add a sonic variety in the different verses.

One of my favorite guys for lyrics was Gord Downy from the Tragically Hip, almost but not quite making sense, leaving the listener to form their own opinon. Often seeming to be a collage of conversation fragments or experiences, sometimes the individual songs seem to be about different things, but once you listen to the album enough times they all start to seem like wildly different metaphors for the same concept... or maybe thats not even it at all, only Gord realy knew and he took most of it to his grave without clarifying anything.

I think I write some decent lyrics at times, but I've never been able to pull off anything so subtle as that. My songs are always about stuff, and whatever stuff they are about is quite obvious.