Does my new song tell the story I want it to?

[Herb Hunter]

Originally Posted by KyleT123

... I do feel like with that song and a lot of the others I've been writing recently that there aren't much dynamics to the piece - and I think part of that is harmonies starting right off the bat. ...

Your song definetely tells a good story but, of course, I don't know what you may have intended. I listened to the song using the speakers built-in to my laptop so the absence of full-range sound may have affected my impression. If I were a producer:

I'd try to get more of an acoustic sound. The guitar sounded almost like an electric guitar. It seemed to have a lot of compression making me wonder if it was recorded with a magnetic pickup rather than a microphone. A more acoustic sound would add intimacy and sensitivity to the song.

I agree that often it is best to have the harmony begin later in the song but not always. The Byrds sometimes began songs with harmony and, as I recall, on occasion, kept it throughout an entire song. I would try leaving the harmony the way you have it know but with a single voice singing the line, "Her husband’s eyes she’ll see no more" as a single voice would convey more emotion at that point. If that didn't work I think I'd leave the harmony all the way through and have another guitar or other instrument convey added emotion at or near that point.

I would use additional instruments, though not a single cello as that may add a dreary quality, to build the song as it progresses. I'd probably try a harp and additional guitar or maybe a string quartet. Thinking of Simon and Garfunkel's Dangling Conversation reminded me of what a harp can add to a this type of song.

You might get some more arrangement ideas from listening to Simon and Garfunkel's songs like Bleecker Street and Dangling Conversation also by comparing their original version of Sounds of Silence, which went unnoticed, with their hit version which was, I believe, the same cut but with drums and electric guitar added.

The thing to do is experiment with different approaches and ideas and settle on what you feel works best based on what you originally intended and the way the song ultimately evolved.

[kerrinsdad]

Unsolicited 2 cents from an idiot in the woods.......

I love the vocals on this, not over-produced text-book recordings, but real and captivating. Prescence, to me, like what attracts me to Damien Rice or some Sarah McLauchlan...really nice.
Cello struck me as the obvious countermelody too, but on second listen I rethought that. If I were to want to add something, I would be tempted to try some combination of coronet, snare drum, flute, marching cadences, kind of slightly out of tune, a little muffled, distant, that sort of thing......

Really like your stuff. Thanks for sharing.

[Marshall]

I'll add one more thought about the song itself. You've chosen a well trod piece of ground to write about. It's pretty hard to reveal something new in a war protest song. That's not to say that it's an unworthy subject matter. Or that you haven't struck a strong emotional chord. But it's likely the listener will feel like he's been there before. And that conjures up personal opinions, and comparisons to lots of other songs. None of which are bad. Just that it's hard to distinguish you musical self, then. Plus, it's not written about a specific person. We like to learn our big lessons through the everyday experience of other real people. It gives a sense of gravity to the lesson.

So, if you're making up the story, consider giving the characters names. Or do some research and find some real people that you can expand upon their stories to make a point.

And devote those very nice songwriting skills to some less trod topics.

(Always remember: I don't know any more than you do about anything. Feel free to ignore my ramblings.)

[Marshall]

OK. One more picayune thing.

I love; "she found the floor." It just vividly prtrayss the whole collapse of their lives.

Later, I don't like "shrieked in horror" as much. There's something about shrieking that just kinda turns me off a little. I suppose it's more poigniant to see someone lost in the turmoil of trying to control their emotions than to be letting it all hang out.

I'll shut up now.

[Herb Hunter]

Don't write songs about war, there are many about that. Don't write songs about love, there are too many about that. Don't write songs about loss, there are any number of those. Don't write happy songs, there are plenty. But if you pick a truly unique subject, few people may identify with it. So write about war, love, loss and happiness. Write about the most mundane things, anything you want but with your personal point of view and it will be all right.

[woodruff]

real pretty. cool voice and i like the fingerpicking. nice and clean. heck yeah, tear jerker, great story...and i like the indie less is more approach. good work!
a cd of your folk songs would be cool. hope you are working on that....

[KyleT123]

wow! woke up and all sorts of great ideas and comments.

this isn't a war protest song at all. so, apparently I didn't tell the story as well as I wanted haha. the point is that while war destroys lives, the bigger picture and the people who volunteer based on their beliefs and ideals make it worthwhile for that individual person. for them, it's not only okay - but they want to be a part of making things right. i tried to tell the story of the woman because she didn't understand what and why her husband wanted to do this.

I think herb, sandy and others are making good points about harmonies. I'll play around with those ideas for sure.

I would also like to get a full production done while keeping things minimal. I just don't have access to any of that. So harps, drums, cellos, etc. are all great thoughts - just nothing I can do right now. I want to go to a "real" studio and record a few songs just guitar/vox and see what turns out.



thanks for all the thoughts and ideas!

[Chicago Sandy]

Originally Posted by Marshall

I'll add one more thought about the song itself. You've chosen a well trod piece of ground to write about. It's pretty hard to reveal something new in a war protest song. That's not to say that it's an unworthy subject matter. Or that you haven't struck a strong emotional chord. But it's likely the listener will feel like he's been there before.

One of the most effective spins on that familiar theme was first recorded by New Order and then covered by Poi Dog Pondering in the song "Love Vigilantes" (a rather arcane title, IMHO, since nothing in the lyrics seems to reinforce it or vice versa, but that's just my opinion). It's told from the viewpoint of the soldier who is finally on his way home, eagerly anticipating his return to his family, only to see his wife collapse after reading the telegram that announces his death--the unexpressed premise is that until he sees that he doesn't realize he has died.