LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT

[DaveKell]

An original from last year after a few tweaks. A successful songwriter friend in Nashville said this song has "gobs of hook".
https://soundcloud.com/user-56655734...at-first-night

[Marshall]

Nice

Here's a thought. You tell a straight narrative. You use a lot of "I did", "you said," "we did," kind of language throughout. - From time to time I take a songwriting critique. And the moderator often says "Show me, don't tell me." I feel you're telling me the story.

Maybe, "In the dark of the night, she stood outside her door" would be a more intriguing way to start it. Who are you telling the story to? Is it her? or are you telling us? Somehow we (the listener) is left out of the equation. We're the most important component of any song. If you're not talking to us, then why should we care?

Don't mean to be harsh. We all fall into these first draft (2nd? 3rd?) scenarios. It helps to step back and look at our songs from an outsider's perspective. Afterall, if we're not communication directly or indirectly to the listener we won't have any.

[DaveKell]

Originally Posted by Marshall

Nice

Here's a thought. You tell a straight narrative. You use a lot of "I did", "you said," "we did," kind of language throughout. - From time to time I take a songwriting critique. And the moderator often says "Show me, don't tell me." I feel you're telling me the story.

Maybe, "In the dark of the night, she stood outside her door" would be a more intriguing way to start it. Who are you telling the story to? Is it her? or are you telling us? Somehow we (the listener) is left out of the equation. We're the most important component of any song. If you're not talking to us, then why should we care?

Don't mean to be harsh. We all fall into these first draft (2nd? 3rd?) scenarios. It helps to step back and look at our songs from an outsider's perspective. Afterall, if we're not communication directly or indirectly to the listener we won't have any.

All I can say in response to these astute observations is this. I sent this to a friend who has a platinum album award for a song he wrote that Garth Brooks recorded. His songs have also been recorded by John Denver, Charlie Pride and Dianna Ross among many others. He showed it to friends of his. All I got back was tons of praise for it and comments on the hook as being excellent. While writing this I struggled with the observations you brought up. This was what I finally settled on. Even the bridge, which doesn’t bring any new thoughts but serves more as a recap. Accomplished artists didn’t see the need to suggest changes. I guess there actually are no hard and fast rules. Thanks for your comments.

[Marshall]

There's a Nashville style of writing that I don't care for. Obviously many people do. But I find it simplistic and uninteresting at times. The only Nashville types I like are the outsiders, like Darrell Scott, Tim O'Brien, and Pierce Pettis. So that's where I'm coming from.

I only offer suggestions from my point of view. Feel free to ignore what I say. Most intelligent people do.

[DaveKell]

Originally Posted by Marshall

I only offer suggestions from my point of view. Feel free to ignore what I say. Most intelligent people do.

I never ignore anyone who graciously critiques anything I post. I’ve had some amazing improvements as a result.