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#1
04-02-2018, 11:52 AM
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The big D
 My marriage seems to be failing. I fear the worst is to come. I am terrified. Any out there survive the end of a long-term marriage? 
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#2
04-02-2018, 12:18 PM
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Well that's too bad. I divorced at 50 after 18 years together, and thought it was the end of the world. It wasn't. Took 3 years to mourn and regroup, but life has never been better. You don't sound like you're completely done though, so if there's any chance of salvaging it, do it. Divorce is the worst thing, short of a death, that person can go through.
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#3
04-02-2018, 12:29 PM
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Divorced after 17 years together. Like Jim said, I took a few years to regroup, mourn, recoup, and ended up married again. Me and the ex still communicate a bit but we'll never be friends as I'll never fully forgive her.
One bit of advice I'll share: for every decision you make, think to yourself, will I be proud of how I handled this in ten years? That kept me from doing a lot of stupid things.
__________________
Original music here: Spotify Artist Page Last edited by RedJoker; 04-02-2018 at 01:22 PM.
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#4
04-02-2018, 12:48 PM
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Divorced after 10 years & 2 kids. Remarried, and have had 35 great years in an outstanding second marriage. There are wonderful things in your life to enjoy. Don’t allow bitterness to control your future. Get past it and find a constructive path forward. If you’ve got kids, think about what helps them and don’t waste your time and energy fighting your Ex. Good luck.
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#5
04-02-2018, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Suck it up, and proceed onward is all you can do. Wallowing in the misery of the situation will only delay your recovery..... Don
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#6
04-02-2018, 01:58 PM
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I am on my 4th marriage. Widowed once, divorced twice. With the second divorce we had been together over ten years and had a 5 year old son. It was tough.
Learn the stages of grief. Mourning the death of the marriage, the death of the future you thought you'd share is just like mourning the dead. Remember that "this too shall pass." I have been married to my current wife 20 years last December 29th. There is life after divorce.
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Epiphone Masterbilt Hummingbird Epiphone Masterbilt AJ-500RENS Teach us what ways have light, what gifts have worth. Edna St. Vincent Millay
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#7
04-02-2018, 02:15 PM
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First of all, do your best not to be “terrified”. I know there are strong emotions that seem to overtake you, but do NOT make decisions or act upon the emotions without giving yourself a day or two to think it through. Cut yourself some slack. No relationship (short of abuse or neglect) ever fails because of one person only. By definition of “relationship”. Try not to worry (“I fear the worst is to come”) about tomorrow. It won’t help, and it’s diverting your focus from today. Just try to get through each day. As the saying goes, don’t ruin today worrying about tomorrow. Yes. Many people (myself included) have survived the breakup of a long term relationship. It can be done, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to enjoy the process. You can and will come through this. Whatever the outcome. Believe in yourself, stay as calm as possible, and don’t rush any decisions or jump to any conclusions. Be good to yourself, and those you care about. Sincerely, Mark
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Guitars; Esteban -"Tribute to Paula Abdul L.E." Arturo Fuente- Cigar Box"Hand Made" First Act-"Diamond Bling" Main Street- "Flaming Acoustic" Silvertone-"Paul Stanley Dark Star" Daisy Rock- "Purple Daze"
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#8
04-02-2018, 03:03 PM
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AGF members are kind hearted and supportive folks and doubtless have a lot to offer as you've already seen from these posts. I'd also recommend you consult with a mental health professional who can offer direct and research based help in the midst of your troubles.
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#9
04-02-2018, 03:29 PM
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#10
04-02-2018, 03:55 PM
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Well, it wasn't a divorce because we weren't married but it felt the same. I wanted to finish school before we married and she wanted it right now. Just handed me the ring back one day, said she'd found someone at work. They married within a year.
Man, that was tough. But there were no kids, no shared property or joint income tax returns; but knowing the pain I felt then I can imagine yours now. I hope all goes well for you in the future.
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#12
04-02-2018, 04:46 PM
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__________________
guitars: 1978 Beneteau, 1999 Kronbauer, Yamaha LS-TA, Voyage Air OM Celtic harps: 1994 Triplett Excelle, 1998 Triplett Avalon (the first ever made - Steve Triplett's personal prototype)
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#13
04-02-2018, 05:59 PM
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In the early years, I found that I really beat myself up......so I would urge that you treat yourself really well during this trying period. I'm glad that you're seeking pro help in moving through this. One aspect, especially if you have kids, is that: divorce doesn't end things, it changes them. It's helpful and constructive as Paul says to try and plan for future stuff like kids events which you'll share: school events, possibly college planning, and of course weddings of kids. All the constructive stuff, though very hard at first will pave the way for you to feel included and important in these post divorce events for years to come. During my darkest period a good friend gave me just what I needed at the time.....a little humor! So, as I sat and talked through this very tough time with him....with sadness, insecurity and sense of defeat, he looked at me and said: "Well, I certainly hope you're going to keep your maiden name!" I just about fell over laughing! Perfect!! He knew what would work. I relayed this same comment to my brother in law when he was going through the same thing.....he loved it and has never forgotten what that also did for him in his very tough moment. so I pass it through to you! Regards and hang tough, as you reach for the other side. Fred
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1993 Bourgeois JOM 1967 Martin D12-20 2007 Vines Artisan 2014 Doerr Legacy 2013 Bamburg FSC- 2002 Flammang 000 12 fret 2000 McCollum Grand Auditorium ______________________________ Soundcloud Spotify
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#15
04-02-2018, 06:11 PM
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Divorce is definitely survivable: survived my own, and in my work as a psychologist, dealt with many folks who were divorcing/had divorced. The first 2 or 3 months can be the most difficult...though exactly how difficult can vary a lot. Some folks say it is the hardest thing they have ever been through, others ride an emotional roller coaster for a while, but wouldn't say it is the most difficult thing they have faced.
After those first months, things usually start to smooth out, and after 18-24 months, many folks feel they have gotten through the major adjustments (though most will still have short episodes of grief/feeling sad, just like any other grief); some folks have more complicated situations and/or emotional complexities and that result in a longer adjustment process....as some others posting to this thread have already noted. But at some point, most everyone feels like they have finished adjusting, and are simply living the next phase of their life, with its own challenges and its own pleasures. And more than a few people say that once they got through the adjustment process, life was much better (because they had learned a lot about themselves, and that what they helped them to be happier people, or helped them to build a better relatisonhip than they could have had had before). Being in psychotherapy, IMO, increases the likelihood that you will learn some valuable things, and have a better life in the future...so I am glad that you are already seeing someone. I would urge you to challenge thoughts/beliefs like "the worst is yet to come". No one knows what is to come, especially when it comes to predicting how you will feel in a partuclar circumstance, or at some future time. Sometimes, people feel some relief when they accept that the marriage is not sustainable. And, for some, when they start taking certain actions (getting an apartment signing divorce papers) they find it challenging, but also gratifying/liberating. I am sorry that you are facing the possible end of your marriage. Divorce is never fun, even when it is the best choice. But "not fun" is very different from "not survivable". Hoping for the best possible outcome for you. Last edited by buddyhu; 04-02-2018 at 06:22 PM.
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