Need some input for a lyric

[Danno]

Trying to finish up an original tune that I've had for some time and want to get some feedback and suggestions from you guys . Here is the verse...

i remember summer nights underneath the stars
sleeping bags and fireflies in small glass jars
silver moon in a sea of stars lit up the sky
strumming softly singin' the words to american pie

I don't like having 'stars' twice in the same verse. I think the 3rd line needs to change but still end with a word that has a long i. Couple ideas I had were
silver moon in a sea of black or yellow moon in a sea of black but not liking how the word black flows. Thoughts?

Another verse I'm hung up on is this one.

i can still remember when my daddy died
heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey things will be alright
she closed the door
i shut my eyes
and cried all night

Not sure on the words 'closed' and 'shut'. Should I reverse them? Same word both lines? Find another word? Thoughts?

I tend to get a little OCD over words and how they flow lyrically. Not a big thing to most, but I know when it feels right for the song, and these were two verses that just didn't fit the way I wanted.

When I get this one done, I'm planning to collaborate with a friend's uncle to get this one recorded. He has a studio and is a wonderful singer/guitarist. Just need to get the lyrics polished up a bit.

Would greatly appreciate feedback from you guys.

TIA

Danno

[NormanKliman]

Hi Danno,

I’d have to hear the music, but how about:

Silver moon painted on black velvet in the sky
(or "....hanging on...")

That’s 12 syllables, more or less like the other lines.

She closed the door
I shut my eyes

I like that one as is, in that order.

[Deliberate1]

Suggestion":
i remember summer nights underneath the stars
sleeping bags and fireflies in small glass jars
twinkles so far from home and others so close by
strumming softly singin' the words to american pie

The proposed line, it seems to me, brings together the two sources of light while illuminating the space between them.

As for the other verse, the repetition of words can emphasize a point or emotion. For me, the use of the word "shut" reinforces the painful intimacy of the moment. I would not hesitate to use it. "Shut" is a strong sounding word and appropriate for the sense of loss.

Best of luck with your tune. Hope this helps.
David

[Danno]

Excellent feedback guys...thank you!

Norm...I get having to hear the music to get a feel for the lyrics. I like your idea!

D1...really good feedback here! I took liberty with your idea and came up with a slightly different lyric that flows a bit better for this song and captures the same content you spoke of.

i remember summer nights underneath the stars
sleeping bags and fireflies in small glass jars
twinkles far home and others so nearby
strumming softly singin' the words to american pie

What about using 'those stars' instead of 'the stars' in the first line? 'Beneath those stars' seems to flow better. Any thoughts?

Really appreciate the replies guys!

[Deliberate1]

Originally Posted by Danno

Excellent feedback guys...thank you!



What about using 'those stars' instead of 'the stars' in the first line? 'Beneath those stars' seems to flow better. Any thoughts?

Really appreciate the replies guys!

Danno, I like "nearby" as well.
Not feeling "those stars." How about "my stars." Like you own them, which you do at that moment.
David

[Frostie]

“Silver moon in a sea of diamonds lighting up the sky ... “

I would repeat closed, emphasizing the finality of your loss.

[Mr. Jelly]

silver moon in a cosmic sea lit up the sky


The other one I'm okay with

[Tadmcd]

so...none of my beeswax, but you asked...

how about this (syllables in parens; pls forgive math challenges):

memories of summer nights ‘neath the stars (10)
sleeping bags and fireflies in small glass jars (10)

dulcet strums, singin’ American pie. (10)


i find the "thought" or "concept" of memories more poetic than flatly stating, "I remember." of course, maybe that's what your song is all about and i should shut my pie hole.

i'm not sure where you're going with the 3rd line in the verse so i couldn't offer an idea. the hang up, for me, is that you talk about the stars in the first line and then switch to the sleeping bags and fireflies in the second line (a great line, btw) and then back to talking about the stars in the third line. my brain couldn't follow you.

were i writing this verse, i might try to conjure up some other stuff associated with sleeping out under a starlit sky and toss that in for the third line (unless your whole theme is star-related, of course). like, maybe a smell (campfire, flowers, grass, someone's perfume?) or a sound (stream nearby?)

maybe for line three:

water flowing past in a stream nearby (10)

i also sort of equaled out the syllables in each line, but without hearing the song, it's hard to tell if it fits.

finally, i found "...singing the words..." to be somewhat redundant. "singing" by itself infers you're singing the words...unless you're humming or whistling or tapping or yodeling or something, which would then be appropriate to describe...but "singing" sort of has the words built in...

hth

[Tadmcd]

i can still remember when my daddy died
heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey things will be alright
she closed the door
i shut my eyes
and cried all night

[I’ll see your OCD and raise you my pedantic…]

The first line sets the stage; there is tragedy afoot! (I’d suggest you choose either “…pull up and I looked outside” or “…pull up so I looked outside” not “…and so…”)

Compare/Contrast Copperhead Road:

Well the sheriff came around in the middle of the nite
I heard momma cryin knew somethin wasn't right

So, the kid is saying he saw (or knew he was there) the Sheriff and then he says he heard mama crying. A visual and an auditory clue that something was up. Also revealed: it’s night time.

In the second line of your verse, you hear a car (auditory) and you look outside, but you never reveal what you saw. The last we saw of you, you were looking out the window, mama came by to comfort you and closed a door; then you closed your eyes and cried all night.

It’s not clear which door mama closed. Was it the front door? Was it your bedroom door? Where were you? What window were you looking out? One assumes it was your bedroom door/window, but you can make that evident (and that it was night time and you were in bed before you jumped to the window) by writing something like:

“I can still remember the night my daddy died” (you can leave out “my” if it helps your phrasing)

And that mama closed YOUR door: “she closed my door”

Finally, you can resolve the “closed the door” and “shut my eyes” conundrum by assuming the kid’s eyes are shut when he cries (we “weep” or “tear up” with our eyes open; crying sort of includes closed eyes) and having him do something else like:

“I went back to bed and cried all night” (this line also serves to resolve all the other stuff, except for what you saw out the window, which may not matter to your story/song.)

[frankmcr]

Originally Posted by Danno

Trying to finish up an original tune that I've had for some time and want to get some feedback and suggestions from you guys . Here is the verse...



Another verse I'm hung up on is this one.

i can still remember when my daddy died
heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey things will be alright
she closed the door
i shut my eyes
and cried all night

Not sure on the words 'closed' and 'shut'. Should I reverse them? Same word both lines? Find another word? Thoughts?

Danno

Yes. That way you get a nice alliteration, closed/cried

[The Bard Rocks]

Suppose you reverse things:

"I shut my eyes, she closed the door
And cried all night"

Now who is crying - you, your mother, or both of you? Enigma can be good in a song as it makes the listener think (remember "Ode to Billie Joe"?). Now whether this will work or not depends upon the rest of the song and where you want to go with it.

[jschmitz54]

Silver stars in the soup of night

[rick-slo]

Can you substitute something in to replace "American Pie"

[nightchef]

I like “Silver moon in a sea of stars”, so much so that I wonder if you need to change it. I know how a repeated word can feel wrong, but sometimes a word is so right that it just needs to happen twice. It gives this feeling of abundance and wonder that really works for me.

What if you changed “a sea of stars” to “that sea of stars”, sort of acknowledging that you’ve already mentioned them? (Of course, the melodic rhythm might rule out this change, even if it works otherwise.)

[Danno]

To give you better context about the song, I am posting the other verses and chorus below. Nothing profound here....just some snapshots and memories from my childhood growing up in the 70's. American Pie has to stay because it is central to the theme of the song. That song really defined the early 70's for me....it was on the radio constantly. I remember singing the song and that iconic chorus with my mom while driving in the car.

I like the verse the way it is with the exception of stars being mentioned twice. I will also use beneath instead of underneath, as it flows better. I will keep sleeping on this one and hopefully come up with something that I can live with.

The closed/shut is not as much of a hang up for me...either works pretty well. I do like the feedback about the closed/cried alliteration....makes sense.

This song is John Prine-ish to me in that it's verse/chorus only with no bridge. JP did that in a lot of his songs. Not comparing myself with JP here...lol. Just noting the structure of the song.

Appreciate all the replies very much.

V1
i remember when we used to play those games we played
moms and dads would watch and talk about the good ol days
every now and then i'd overhear them say
the kids these days they just dont know that they've got it made
V2
i remember saturdays at the fishin' hole
mama'd pack my lunch and tell me now run along
between the tracks steppin' on every railroad tie
humming a tune and singin' the words to american pie

-chorus-
bye bye miss american pie
good ol boys drinkin whiskey and rye
i still hear em' singin this will be the day that i die
hear i am livin' the american dream

V3
i remember summer nights beneath those stars
sleeping bags and fireflies in small glass jars
silver moon in a sea of stars lit up the sky
strumming softly singin' the words to american pie



V4
i can still remember when my daddy died
heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey things will be alright
she closed the door
i shut my eyes
and cried all night

chorus fading