Funny Thing About Grief

[imwjl]

Originally Posted by Rick Shepherd

I lost my daughter in 2020 to Covid. Three years have passed. I have learned many things about grief, and how others respond to my loss. Unfortunately, people don't respond very well because they don't know how, and it is an uncomfortable, very sad subject to consider. I recommend people educate themselves about grief and learn to be more supportive to those they know and love. Losing a child is incredibly difficult, so a little knowledge can go a long way. Consider the fact that those who suffer this type of loss have to endure the unimaginable, so be there for them. In the end, you have your children, they don't.

You have my best wishes here.

It is very good advice to know about grief and loss. We are close to some who've lost kids and see the very different ways things can go.

Last month far from home my daughter and I met a couple in a remote mountains parking lot where there was a hard to explain dynamic. They'd just lost their son, and we somehow learned we had mutual friends. They were out after the initial shock and trying to get their lives moving on. It was quite something to see how giving some strangers a hug made a difference. It seemed they were moving on as best as possible and I hope you've got that going on overall.

In this time of social media there are a few popular people who educate on all of loss, grief and the dying process. It is really good stuff.

No kidding on being there. My first lesson was when a parent died young. That strange event last month and our hanging with those folks for the short while seemed to have if only for a little bit given them a big turnaround and we felt better too than to have just said something and leave.

Again, my best wishes.

[tinnitus]

Thank you for bringing this up.

As a "youngster," I was habitually hesitant to convey condolences to grieving/mourning friends and acquaintances. I think I was afraid to suddenly "remind" them of their illness/loss and elicit unwanted anguish afresh. But after never witnessing a meltdown in over 40 years (by that point last century), I eventually realized that failure to acknowledge is beyond awkward, too, perhaps even insulting to those hoping/expecting to hear something.

With that in mind, I feel like the illiterate dimwit Chance Gardiner (Peter Sellers) told his dying friend perfectly in the brilliant movie Being There. "I'm sorry you're so sick Ben." Simple and directly to the point.

[Rick Shepherd]

Originally Posted by AX17609

I lost my daughter to glioblastoma in three years ago. During the latter stages of her life, I took some golf lessons. I explained to the teacher what was going on and that I was just doing the golf instruction as a distraction. The very next time I saw him, he asked..."So, Steve, do you have any kids?" Apparently, this man was not only born without empathy, he was born without ears. I don't expect sympathy, but a little empathy would be nice. At least a little awareness.

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child. You know you'll lose your parents. You know you'll lose relatives and some friends. Maybe even a sibling. That's the way life works. It's not pleasant, but it's comprehensible. Losing a child hits you in a deeper, more primal place. It's as though you've failed at your most basic human function. Talking about it doesn't do any good. It doesn't respond to reason. It's a feeling that sits in a place speech can't access, and it never goes away.

I'm not who I was three years ago. I never feel joy or hope anymore. I don't even remember what those things feel like. I just watch the hours pass, try to concentrate on something, and not be a burden to anyone.

So sorry you lost your daughter. I am no longer the person I was either. I struggle to find meaning, purpose, and joy in anything. The suddenness of her death, the whole thing was and remains totally traumatizing. Most people have no idea, and why would anyone even want to try to imagine?

The fallout of losing my daughter was and continues to be catastrophic. Basically, we feel we have lost our other daughter too. In many ways, dealing with her has been almost as difficult. Truth be told, the whole situation is quite tragic.

I try my best to continue, one day at a time. I force myself to keep going, keep playing and learning new songs on the guitar. I try to play for others whenever I can.

[RedJoker]

I remember going through trauma and what I needed from people changed all the time. That taught me to genuinely ask people how they are, what they need, how can I help, etc but also be ok with accepting that I just can't help at that time. I try not to ask open ended questions but also not pester. I'll ask if today is a good day or a bad day or something in between. I'll ask if they want to talk or just sit quietly / listen to music / watch a movie / go for a walk / whatever. But I also make sure it's ok if they don't know what they want.

There's no way I'll ever be good at that kind of stuff, but I can be better, at least.

[AX17609]

Originally Posted by Puddleglum

I’ve experienced my share of loss, including a child. The thing for people to remember is that there is nothing to be said that can really help (though there are plenty of things that can be unhelpful).

The thing I’ve learned the most in grief is that there is no such thing as “getting over it.” We don’t get over things like this: we just change. I say be ok with going through those changes.

Yes. Two important points here. First, there's nothing that can be said that's helpful, but there are plenty of things that can be said that are unhelpful. Second, we don't get over things like this. We change. A couple of us have mentioned that we are not the same person we were before the tragedy. I try to make that a positive transformation, but I don't think I'm very successful. For some reason, I've been forced to review every one of my personal shortcomings. I wince every time it happens.

[Glennwillow]

Rick, AX17609, Puddleglum,

...to anyone who has ever lost a child, I feel so very badly for you. My next younger sister lost her beautiful daughter to breast cancer at only 43 years of age during the pandemic. Our whole extended family of over 100 people couldn't even go to the funeral. It is life changing. I know people never get over it. All a person can do is to try to get used to it.

Nobody can make it better, but yes, people can certainly make it worse.

- Glenn

[Talk2Me]

Try to remember that these people in general are not trying to make it worse but rather attempting to show sympathy. People indeed grieve in differing ways but they also express sympathy in varying ways too. I think it's important to remember that as well and not get too upset with people who are simply clumsy at expressing things. You need to "forgive them as they know not what they do". Sorry for your loss is the best most can do (especially if unfamiliar with you, the deceased, the situation, etc.).

[sfarnell]

So sorry. Please take care of yourself.

My younger brother died unexpectedly at age 51 in 2007. I saw up close how it affected my mother who was 80 at the time. She had been thriving up to that point. After he died my mother went into a tailspin and never recovered. Within six months she was diagnosed with dementia. I think it was her brain's way of coping. She didn't want to remember. She didn't want to live anymore. And she didn't for very long.

Don't let that happen to you. Easier said than done. I can't look at a picture of my brother without crying, and he died 17 years ago.

I'm sending you wishes for peace of mind.

[Rick Shepherd]

I am unable to look at photos still, perhaps forever! I understand people are often at a loss as to what to say or do, and that is fine, but it has repercussions. As a result of that, my world has imploded with losing friends and family. I also understand how many don’t even want to try. After you have gone through the most unimaginable trauma alone, it is easy not to care about those who weren’t there. It is just the way it is.

[Talk2Me]

Originally Posted by Rick Shepherd

I am unable to look at photos still, perhaps forever! I understand people are often at a loss as to what to say or do, and that is fine, but it has repercussions. As a result of that, my world has imploded with losing friends and family. I also understand how many don’t even want to try. After you have gone through the most unimaginable trauma alone, it is easy not to care about those who weren’t there. It is just the way it is.

"Repercussions" sounds like you're punishing them (and yourself) for their ignorance/uncomfortableness as to what to tell you. Losing friends and relatives because of choices you've made about them seems like it would make your own world even smaller/lonelier/darker. Again, good luck with the grief but it's people who will help pull you from it and (please don't take this the wrong way as I'm truly empathetic to your situation) it sounds like you're isolating out of some sort of spite. Forgive the living and maybe you can start living again as well.

[Rick Shepherd]

Originally Posted by Talk2Me

"Repercussions" sounds like you're punishing them (and yourself) for their ignorance/uncomfortableness as to what to tell you. Losing friends and relatives because of choices you've made about them seems like it would make your own world even smaller/lonelier/darker. Again, good luck with the grief but it's people who will help pull you from it and (please don't take this the wrong way as I'm truly empathetic to your situation) it sounds like you're isolating out of some sort of spite. Forgive the living and maybe you can start living again as well.

Not everything is about choices we make, that is what I am saying. Sometimes it is just about letting things be as they are. I know you don’t mean it to sound the wrong way, it is just that life is different now for a lot of reasons. I wish I had more control over it, but I don’t. I wouldn’t call it spite, it is way more complex than that. I have a very small handful of people I prefer to be around now, and whomever I avoid is out of necessity. Some have distance d themselves from me for their own reasons, my reasons vary from person to person.

[DungBeatle]

My heart goes out to you. I lost a 7 YO boy. Hit by a driver who ran a red light while he was crossing the street. Right in front of me and my daughter. It was a long time ago, but I think of him every day. Take care. There are people who love you.
~Bob

[Glennwillow]

Originally Posted by DungBeatle

My heart goes out to you. I lost a 7 YO boy. Hit by a driver who ran a red light while he was crossing the street. Right in front of me and my daughter. It was a long time ago, but I think of him every day. Take care. There are people who love you.
~Bob

Bob,

What a story. I'm so sorry. My heart really goes out to you over this terrible loss.

- Glenn

[Mr. Paul]

Life is so precious. While hearing these stories of loss is devastating, it is nothing like having to live them. Thank you for sharing something so intensely personal.

[Puddleglum]

Originally Posted by DungBeatle

My heart goes out to you. I lost a 7 YO boy. Hit by a driver who ran a red light while he was crossing the street. Right in front of me and my daughter. It was a long time ago, but I think of him every day. Take care. There are people who love you.
~Bob

Wow, what an unthinkable tragedy!