On Death & Dying

[XYRN]

I'm an RN in a metropolitan ICU, we don't take trauma but other than that we see it all.

Consequently I see death often, and every case is different.
If there is one common denominator it would be that far too much is done far too late.

People that have little to no chance of a meaningful recovery being subjected to a regimented torture, often at the direction of their family.

I can provide guidance, but really, a lot of pain and suffering (by both the pt and their family) could be avoided if people had frank discussions while they are relatively well
about what quality of life means for them, and clear direction on how to proceed if that quality is gone.

By the time you are tubed and sedated it is no longer up to you. And that sucks.

[reeve21]

Originally Posted by XYRN

I'm an RN in a metropolitan ICU, we don't take trauma but other than that we see it all.

Consequently I see death often, and every case is different.
If there is one common denominator it would be that far too much is done far too late.

People that have little to no chance of a meaningful recovery being subjected to a regimented torture, often at the direction of their family.

I can provide guidance, but really, a lot of pain and suffering (by both the pt and their family) could be avoided if people had frank discussions while they are relatively well
about what quality of life means for them, and clear direction on how to proceed if that quality is gone.

By the time you are tubed and sedated it is no longer up to you. And that sucks.

Great post, worth repeating. I have a daughter who spent several years as an ICU nurse in a big city hospital. In her words, "Dad, you don't want to die in the hospital, and you really don't want to die in the ICU." Give someone you trust a medical POA or whatever they call it in your state, and make sure that person knows your wishes.

[Jaden]

Originally Posted by XYRN

I'm an RN in a metropolitan ICU, we don't take trauma but other than that we see it all.

Consequently I see death often, and every case is different.
If there is one common denominator it would be that far too much is done far too late.

People that have little to no chance of a meaningful recovery being subjected to a regimented torture, often at the direction of their family.

I can provide guidance, but really, a lot of pain and suffering (by both the pt and their family) could be avoided if people had frank discussions while they are relatively well
about what quality of life means for them, and clear direction on how to proceed if that quality is gone.

By the time you are tubed and sedated it is no longer up to you. And that sucks.

Tubed and sedated then kept alive for an extended period of time? Yes, that sounds horrible.

[Kh1967]

Originally Posted by DenverSteve

As a pastor, over the years I counseled hundreds of patients and families in various stages of grieving, denial and acceptance of death and dying. What I’ve observed, with no scientific empirical process, is that those who lived peaceful, caring lives, without greed or malice, pass on in the same manner. Those who lived greedy, self-centered lives tend to fight it with every breath. Having directives in place don’t guarantee that loved ones comply so I advise open, frank discussions with those who will be left to attend your final days so they understand exactly what you desire in the end.

^^^This....

I recently watched my mom pass in the last couple of weeks. She had dementia and lived with us for the last 6 years. However, she died from a massive stroke that happened on a Wednesday afternoon, and she left us that Friday morning.

While she was in the ER, she miraculously opened her eyes and had the most beautiful "Mona Lisa Smile" I have ever seen. She spoke the following words out loud, "Wow. Alright. Okay." We feel certain that mom was seeing and experience the "other side."

My mom had a deep faith and was entirely at peace with her life and with her beliefs and faith. She was kind, gentle, caring and loved whole-heartedly. She was truly an angel on earth. Her passing was peaceful and she was surrounded by love, mimicking the way she lived her life.

My mom got it right...she had the right priorities and lived each day with fullness and warmth. I am 52 years old, and she was simply the best role model I could have ever hoped for. My hope is to mirror her life as best as I am able.

I read this today...it resonated deeply with me:

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/02/29...6kHT318Poxs9us

[DaleonCedar]

About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Although I survived it changed me. Being that close to death caused me to lose any fear of death - just got used to it I guess. However, dying a long lingering miserable death from cancer? It's not insane to have a plan B. Just sayin.

[sevargnhoj]

Dad died six years ago surrounded by friends and family.

He had 16 bonus years after being at death's door in the late 90's due to a lifetime of smoking unfiltered Camels and years of heavy drinking, surviving a week of induced coma and intubation.

The second time around, he came off of the intubation, but it was obvious that time was short. Dad, one of my brothers and I were together when his Dr. said, "We can intubate you again, but you won't come off of it."

Dad said, "I'm not afraid. We won't be doing that." Dad was always a man of few words and not one to openly express his feelings (unless you were screwing up). After the Dr. left he said, "I just want you boys to know that you've all (there are three of us and over the years we created our share of drama) exceeded my expectations." Naturally, we laughed out loud and I said, "Well, thanks for setting the bar low enough, Dad."

Mom died three years ago after a short battle with cancer. The treatment was ineffective and she decided not to try a second round due to the unlikeliness that it would work and the toll it would take on her, physically and mentally. We were able to keep her in her home with her dog and at least one of her sons there with her for about twos month. We had a big party early on while she was strong and she had a great time. She was pain-free and unafraid. We were all by her side in her final hours.

Mom's cancer was probably a blessing. Her 4 sisters all suffered from dementia and lived out their last years not knowing where they were. Mom was beginning to show the early stages.

My parents showed their strength of character, just as they always had. I hope I'll follow their example.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago:

We get a call from my MIL that her 2nd husband was taken to the ER for internal bleeding, had cardiac arrested, been revived and was on life-support. We took a flight out the next morning to go and support my MIL and start what would become 9 days of not knowing when we would be coming home again on a day to day basis.

Six months ago he had suffered a similar situation where he had been revived 3 times and survived a week in an induced coma. He proceeded to defy expectations and went through the weeks of rehabilitation and had gotten to come home and resume his life with good quality.

This time would be different. He spent 5 days on the ventilator, until the neurologist convinced my MIL and his grown children that there was no brain function. He survived 4.5 days in hospice. Throughout the whole ordeal, there was unnecessary drama due to his kids totally dysfunctional relationship with each other.

I can understand the reluctance to put the DNR in place, but if they had done that 6 months ago, his passing would've been quick and with a minimum of undue drama.

My brothers and I have a pact in place, should any of us become terminally ill and lack the faculties to end it quickly and cleanly, the other two will take the soon to be dearly departed into the woods with a bottle of bourbon on a cold winter night or a midnight ocean boat ride with a bottle of bourbon, a rope and a rock (I'm pretty sure we're joking regarding the 2nd scenario).

[Jaden]

Thanks all for sharing on this difficult subject, and especially to those battling life threatening ailments at this time. I ask the moderators to close/ lock this thread now. Thanks.