Quit The Band Today - Page 4

rllink · #46 07-28-2021, 07:23 AM

Okay the guy came and apologized for his behavior. What else do people want? Isn't that what one does to make things right again? This is a hard crowd. I say accept the apology, shake hands and move on. As far as I'm concerned, looking in, is that it is good that maturity prevsiled. You don't see a lot of that these days.

shufflebeat · #47 07-28-2021, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rllink

Okay the guy came and apologized for his behavior. What else do people want? Isn't that what one does to make things right again? This is a hard crowd. I say accept the apology, shake hands and move on. As far as I'm concerned, looking in, is that it is good that maturity prevsiled. You don't see a lot of that these days.

It's a thin line between being imperfect, which we all are and I have more than enough of my own shameful behaviour over the years to speak from experience, and being abusive - which I don't think I've ever been (luckily I'm surrounded by strong characters who would put me in my place pretty directly if there was any danger of that). For me it's the person on the receiving end who gets to decide which is which.

If you've ever been either end of an abusive relationship or witnessed one up close you'll know that "sorry" isn't always enough to put things right. It actually comes to mean something else with repetition.

My analytical head says even the person with the problematic behaviour needs understanding and support but it's easy for me to say that when I'm not soaking up someone else's vitriol or covering their tracks.

Tahitijack · #48 07-28-2021, 11:53 AM

I'm just speaking from my own experience about folks that promised to change but in the end could not. I believe in second chances but it ends with that and more times than not I had to say goodbye to them. I just can not give a third, fourth or fifth chance. Two is my limit. I hope this works out for you, but based on your post, the band seems ready to cut him loose and move forward. Stay with your tribe on this and let him walk away on a different path. Hope this works out, but from my experience, odds are against it.

shufflebeat · #49 07-28-2021, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tahitijack

I'm just speaking from my own experience about folks that promised to change but in the end could not.

Very important point ^^^^.

Wanting to change is not the same as taking steps to do so.

Repeatedly saying you want to can be part of the problem and a reliable flag that issues exist.

tinnitus · #50 07-28-2021, 02:10 PM

I was once recruited into a band and ended up firing the leader for humiliating the group more than a few times.

Not just drinking, but DRUNK all the time while actively denying it, his self-destructive addiction cost him his wife, his job, his home, his band and pretty much everything. Seems the rock bottom for him was when his teens saw him handcuffed and hauled off from his own driveway for DUI.

Saw him a year later and he was cleaned up. Now, 5 years hence, he still looks good and is back in action with a reformed band (using the clever group name he took with him when he was fired). Singing is a lot better too, not standing on death's doorstep.

Not saying this is the situation here. But sometimes there's a lot going on behind the scenes, and it might take more than a simple admission and a promise to really make things right.

Good luck for ALL of you guys involved.

rllink · #51 07-28-2021, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shufflebeat

It's a thin line between being imperfect, which we all are and I have more than enough of my own shameful behaviour over the years to speak from experience, and being abusive - which I don't think I've ever been (luckily I'm surrounded by strong characters who would put me in my place pretty directly if there was any danger of that). For me it's the person on the receiving end who gets to decide which is which.

If you've ever been either end of an abusive relationship or witnessed one up close you'll know that "sorry" isn't always enough to put things right. It actually comes to mean something else with repetition.

My analytical head says even the person with the problematic behaviour needs understanding and support but it's easy for me to say that when I'm not soaking up someone else's vitriol or covering their tracks.

Well, good for you. I'll remember that next time someone says they are sorry for being a jerk.

rule18 · #52 07-28-2021, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rllink

Well, good for you. I'll remember that next time someone says they are sorry for being a jerk.

I think you probably missed the OP's first post in which he states that this is not the first time this guy has gone off on the other band mates. Apology >>> outburst >>>apology >>> outburst. That pattern of nonsense needs to be broken, and at very least needs not to be displayed in front of a venue manager or owner.

rllink · #53 07-28-2021, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rule18

I think you probably missed the OP's first post in which he states that this is not the first time this guy has gone off on the other band mates. Apology >>> outburst >>>apology >>> outburst. That pattern of nonsense needs to be broken, and at very least needs not to be displayed in front of a venue manager or owner.

I didn't miss that. And the OP said that the offender came to him, apologized and showed contrition, so he is back in the band. I think that is a good thing. That's all.

rule18 · #54 07-28-2021, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rllink

I didn't miss that. And the OP said that the offender came to him, apologized and showed contrition, so he is back in the band. I think that is a good thing. That's all.

Nope, that's not all. The guy is a repeat offender, then apologizes just to do it again. There's no redeeming quality about a guy like that in a band, where you have to operate as a cohesive unit. I'm guessing you've not performed in that type of situation, you can't have loose cannons in the mix.

rllink · #55 07-28-2021, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rule18

Nope, that's not all. The guy is a repeat offender, then apologizes just to do it again. There's no redeeming quality about a guy like that in a band, where you have to operate as a cohesive unit. I'm guessing you've not performed in that type of situation, you can't have loose cannons in the mix.

I think that you guess wrong. I don't really understand why people are getting all upset over me expressing my opinion. I'm glad that the OP has sorted it out and got back into the band. I've been in the same situation and stubbornly refused to patch things up. I regret that. I wish that I had. We all have our own experiences.

rule18 · #56 07-28-2021, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rllink

I think that you guess wrong. I don't really understand why people are getting all upset over me expressing my opinion. I'm glad that the OP has sorted it out and got back into the band. I've been in the same situation and stubbornly refused to patch things up. I regret that. I wish that I had. We all have our own experiences.

Right, everyone's getting upset at your opinion. Lol. Don't worry, you haven't made anyone upset, we're just pointing out (among other things) that a potentially insincere apology just to get back in the band is not ok. Again, pulling stunts like that at a venue is a legitimate cause for immediate firing in any band. The fact that someone would offend more than once is certainly cause for dismissal.

ThermiteTermite · #57 07-28-2021, 07:08 PM

Keeping from getting kicked out of the band is a definite motive/payoff that apparently worth the price of an apology for this fellow. And as noted, it is probably not the first time he has made this transaction. Apologies cost nothing to the offender and do nothing in terms of erasing the offense. I think I would probably accept the guys apology on condition that he also hand me 60 bucks right then and there, then call it even.

MrDB · #58 07-28-2021, 07:46 PM

OP here and the discussion is all over the place on this as it should be. Many of us have had the same or similar band experiences as this and differing outcomes resulting from them. None of us can blame someone for a decision made unless we are right there with them as it unfolds.

I appreciate the discussion and the support. All I can say is we will see what the future brings. I will say that after talking with the other members some of them are at the end of their patience with the guy, so it seems apparent that any more stupidity will be the end of the drama.

We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted

shufflebeat · #59 07-29-2021, 03:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDB

OP here and the discussion is all over the place on this as it should be. Many of us have had the same or similar band experiences as this and differing outcomes resulting from them. None of us can blame someone for a decision made unless we are right there with them as it unfolds.

I appreciate the discussion and the support. All I can say is we will see what the future brings. I will say that after talking with the other members some of them are at the end of their patience with the guy, so it seems apparent that any more stupidity will be the end of the drama.

We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted

Best wishes with the process. Genuinely interested in how it turns out, we all might learn s/t from the situation although we might not all agree on what we've learned.

Glennwillow · #60 07-29-2021, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDB

OP here and the discussion is all over the place on this as it should be. Many of us have had the same or similar band experiences as this and differing outcomes resulting from them. None of us can blame someone for a decision made unless we are right there with them as it unfolds.

I appreciate the discussion and the support. All I can say is we will see what the future brings. I will say that after talking with the other members some of them are at the end of their patience with the guy, so it seems apparent that any more stupidity will be the end of the drama.

We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted

If I had been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. You may expect that this behavior will show up again -- as many of us do here in this thread -- but to deny the guy one last chance when he's apologized, admitted his fault, and when you know that the rest of the band also wants to give him another chance... well, what can you do? None of us wants to come across as an unforgiving primadonna, either. So, you give the guy another shot and hope for the best.

The next blow-up, if there is one, may be enough for the rest of the band to realize there is no other choice but to terminate the relationship.

- Glenn