Quit The Band Today

[hairpuller]

Good news!
Really hope things change for the better.

[MrDB]

Originally Posted by Nymuso

I wish you well. In my situation years ago, I stayed. I shouldn’t have.

It's a risk to be sure, but in the giant scheme of things not much of one so a risk worth taking. 95% of the time, when this guy is not a jerk, the band is great fun. We are pretty much just your average Saturday night bar band, no delusions of grandeur. Not playing $2000 gigs, playing $400 gigs where each guy walks away with $60 (we give our equip guy a full share since he outworks the rest of us combined).

So I thought what the heck, give it another chance. If it turns out to be a bad decision it won't be the worst bad decision I've ever made

[rmp]

Well hopefully this is an Alls well that ends well situation,

Based on what I know about this whole story, I'd have done the same.

This is not a totally unfamiliar to many of us, I'd bet a lot of us have been in this situation at some point.


Not playing $2000 gigs, playing $400 gigs where each guy walks away with $60

LOL! that's the way it is just about everywhere these days.

you have to "WANT" to do this to still be doing it at all at this point

Perhaps, one might say "sucker." Years ago the band I played with had a player who would periodically beat us up with volume, wrong lyrics, wrong rhythm, and occasional tantrums. And then when we'd get irked he'd meet with of us and beg for forgiveness and promise to never do it again. And then he'd do it again. Finally one night, we just stopped playing and told him to go away. Haven't seen him since. But he suckered us in for a long time.

[Tahitijack]

I hope this works out for DB but as humans it's often hard to make improvement in our behavior. Good luck and hope for the best outcome.

[Dirk Hofman]

Whatever happens it's good the offending member reached out, and sounds sincere about an effort to change.

[tinnitus]

At least he's not in denial as if he did nothing offensive.

Regarding your forgiving him and sticking around (for now), that's noble of you to accept versus pridefully refusing the olive branch.

So what are you doing now regarding his humble promise to cool it? Allow me suggest that you're gathering information. Staying or going, somewhere down the line (whether it's you or him) can reasonably hinge upon his behavior going forward.

[shufflebeat]

Mental health and emotional issues are often a complete PITA for those on the receiving end of the symptoms.

You may choose to see this as, "he's just an angry idiot" and that's a perfectly valid point of view but problematic behaviour like this usually comes from very unhappy people. If they understand this and want to improve things sometimes they can but not always and either way it can make working together either unpleasant or impossible.

It's possible to protect yourself from the effects of the behaviour but that would mean not relying on an unstable element, which might not be easy to accommodate.

Sometimes I haven't got the patience but I admire those who do.

[buddyhu]

Originally Posted by MrDB

It's a risk to be sure, but in the giant scheme of things not much of one so a risk worth taking. 95% of the time, when this guy is not a jerk, the band is great fun. We are pretty much just your average Saturday night bar band, no delusions of grandeur. Not playing $2000 gigs, playing $400 gigs where each guy walks away with $60 (we give our equip guy a full share since he outworks the rest of us combined).

So I thought what the heck, give it another chance. If it turns out to be a bad decision it won't be the worst bad decision I've ever made

I agree…it isn’t really much of a risk. You are safe, your family is safe, there is no large sum of money at risk, etc. Worse thing that happens is that your difficult bandmate gets lost in his own suffering again, and splashes it all over you and the rest of the band. Annoying? Sure. But not a big deal. In the meantime, you have some fun, you (hopefully) feel good about not acting in haste and/or when you were really angry, and your bandmates have had a chance to express how much they appreciate you. Pretty good.

I agree with others: it is somewhat likely that your mentally ill friend will lose it again. But i am impressed by the fact that he sought you out and apologized to you in a direct way. That is a big positive. Even though it doesn’t erase his acting out and the discharge of his discomfort, it is meaningful.

[MrDB]

Thanks folks for the additional kind comments.

The guy is 62 yrs old. Pretty rare for someone to make major changes in their life at that age, but after talking privately to my other bandmates they've had enough as well, just didn't have the nerve to speak out and take any action.

So if it happens again it will be him or me as well as him or several other members and I think he knows that.

Anyway got a gig Fri 8-12. I hate 4 hr gigs and I hate playing til midnite as it's way past my bedtime but I'm looking forward to it anyway.

[rule18]

Originally Posted by MrDB

Thanks folks for the additional kind comments.

The guy is 62 yrs old. Pretty rare for someone to make major changes in their life at that age, but after talking privately to my other bandmates they've had enough as well, just didn't have the nerve to speak out and take any action.

So if it happens again it will be him or me as well as him or several other members and I think he knows that.

Anyway got a gig Fri 8-12. I hate 4 hr gigs and I hate playing til midnite as it's way past my bedtime but I'm looking forward to it anyway.

Honestly, I'm shocked that you guys didn't cut him loose that day. I appreciate the comments made in previous posts regarding mental health and whatnot (he might just be a crotchety guy). However, it's one thing to have that kind of tantrum during a rehearsal, it's another to do so at a venue, potentially in front on your audience and/or the venue Owner/Manager. That's a good way to get uninvited for future gigs. At 62, he's not going to change and unless he's a virtuoso (I'm guessing not) then he's more trouble than he's worth.

I've cut band members before, it's not a particularly good feeling nor is it an easy thing to do but it sounds like he's making it easy for the rest of you. Best of luck!

[woodbox]

I’m thinking of the Eagles song “Sad Cafe”, and the line:

“ But things in this life change very slowly
if they ever change at all “

My experience has been to ultimately regret the second (and 3rd and 4th) chances I’ve given guys like that.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but, these people tend to get away with such behavior as long as they are allowed to.
Now I cut and leave much sooner than later.

It will be interesting to hear how this plays out.
I hope the OP keeps us updated.

[Mbroady]

Originally Posted by MrDB

Update:

The offending band mate came to my house today. He apologized profusely for what happened and begged me to stay in the band, said he would quit if that's what it took. We had a long talk about his behavior. He said he hit rock bottom Sat nite with what he did, and knows he has to make some serious changes in his life and his emotional health.

The other band members had texted me earlier urging me to stay. After talking with this individual I agreed to stay. He was extremely relieved and thankful that I would give him one more chance to prove himself.

So all's well that ends well.

Great news, hope it all works out .....but......(gonna throw shade on this) ...imho one does not throw a switch and suddenly all is right with their world, both internal and external. Been around enough folks with mental health issues to develop a healthy skepticism. Improving ones mental is not a passive endeavor. And becoming an active participant in improving ones mental health is often met with Self-resistance after the initial (sometimes manic) positive steps forward

Support the person but don’t be surprised if they fall off the wagon again. And whatever happens, watch your back if the behaves gets extreme. Just saying.......

[Bob Womack]

You know, if I guy went to the lengths to come and apologize in person and admitted he was at fault and needed to change, and there was some agreement between the members, I would would be hard for me to deny him a second chance. Look, we are all flawed and we all screw up. Some folks do it more loudly than others, but we all hope for forgiveness in the end. Bravo to you for your long-suffering and may something good come of your kindness!

Bob

[fumei]

Originally Posted by MrDB

Update:

The offending band mate came to my house today. He apologized profusely for what happened and begged me to stay in the band, said he would quit if that's what it took. We had a long talk about his behavior. He said he hit rock bottom Sat nite with what he did, and knows he has to make some serious changes in his life and his emotional health.

The other band members had texted me earlier urging me to stay. After talking with this individual I agreed to stay. He was extremely relieved and thankful that I would give him one more chance to prove himself.

So all's well that ends well.

Only if it does end well. Always thought it should be: All's well if it ends well.

Bravo for you to go for more. I would likely do the same. The comment about it is really (in the scheme of things) not all that much to lose, is bang on. If it bombs again. Which, sadly, is most likely. At any age changing one's internal situation is difficult. At 60+, whew. Not sayin' impossible, but it is very very hard to do. I sincerely hope he does, and that you all get uplifted by the experience.

Please DO let us know how this goes. LOL, we have all been there in one form or another.