#46
|
||||
|
||||
Seems to be a lost art these days - fully understanding consequences.
__________________
"One small heart, and a great big soul that's driving" |
#47
|
|||
|
|||
Sometimes burning bridges is not a bad thing. A similar situation in my own life has motivated me to stay off Facebook and use pseudonyms on social media. It’s made my life lonely and drama still seems to find me, but it could be much worse.
__________________
(2006) Larrivee OM-03R, (2009) Martin D-16GT, (1998) Fender Am Std Ash Stratocaster, (2013) McKnight McUke, (1989) Kramer Striker ST600, a couple of DIY builds (2013, 2023) |
#48
|
|||
|
|||
__________________
- Tacoma ER22C - Tacoma CiC Chief - Tacoma EK36C (ancient cedar Little Jumbo, '01, #145/150) - Seagull SWS Maritime Mini Jumbo ('16) - Simon & Patrick Pro Folk Rosewood ('01) - Godin Montreal Premiere Supreme - Ibanez Mikro Bass |
#49
|
|||
|
|||
A River Runs Through It is based on the book of the same name by Norman Maclean. Both book and movie are entertaining, relevant to the OP’s situation, and based on Maclean’s own attempt to help his troubled younger brother. Maclean’s conclusion has wisdom.
|
#50
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I called the cops on my brother who was drunk and drove off. I tried to take his keys but he is much bigger than me. So, shrug, when he left I called the cops and gave them his direction and license plate. Do it again. Life is short and making and keeping boundaries is a good thing. If someone is abusing in any serious way it moves them outside a boundary. They will lie. Secret smokers, secret drinkers (et al), they are the same. I used myself 50 years ago. I know. No one stops because someone asked them to. Ever. Not talking recreational once or twice a year kind of indulgence. If someone is using (whatever) on a daily, or even every other day, usage, then nothing you say will make any real difference. It is NOT mean to take care of yourself and your boundaries. And walking away do NOT mean that you would rebuff a serious sober approach by them. People do change, just not because of someone else. Taking care of your own health and those you love is the most important thing. The hardest thing is when it IS the one you love who is off into that world. It makes walking away very very very hard.
__________________
guitars: 1978 Beneteau, 1999 Kronbauer, Yamaha LS-TA, Voyage Air OM Celtic harps: 1994 Triplett Excelle, 1998 Triplett Avalon (the first ever made - Steve Triplett's personal prototype) |
#51
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
The fact is that some folks can dabble in substance abuse and put it aside, and some folks find that when they use mind altering substances, their use develops a powerful momentum that makes it MUCH harder to put the substances aside….sometimes this momentum seems to take hold after a single use of a substance. For some, that warrants the use of the term “disease”, and to emphasize what appears to be underlying biological factors in determining who will experience this momentum and who will not. And some folks don’t like using the term disease when talking about these issues. But at the level of OP’s internal conflict, what we call the pattern of use/abuse is not at all important. What matters is recognizing the pattern of use and its effect on relationships, and finding ways to respond to the wish to stay connected to folks you love (or have loved) while recognizing that the wish to stay connected won’t help the substance abuser, while staying connected brings frustration, disappointment, and hurt to the people who love the substance abuser. |
#52
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
Best man at my wedding went off the deep end. Hadn't been able to be around him for years. He died last winter (Cancer) I spoke to him on the phone about a week prior. He was crying. Telling me he was so scared. Knew how he had lived. And how he treated others. Feared the atonement he faced. His life was not my problem. As your friends are not yours. Your problem is you. And only you and yours. Cutting ties is hard. But sometimes it has to be done. |
#53
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
Had turkey dinner with friends yesterday, big caring family. A small plaque in one room says, "Please love me when I deserve it the least because that is when I need it most." That actually fits well with this scenario, too, since 'love' isn't simply a matter of "being around" despite bad behaviors. That only helps dysfunctional players delude themselves into believing they still have everyone's blind support while they continue acting up. Last month I was happy to see my cousin's 30 year old son, a heroin addict doing VERY well in his 4th year of sobriety. He would be the first to tell you that family and friends distancing themselves from the preceding 5 years of lying, stealing and endangering others was an important part of his decision-making process to turn his life around and re-join the human race. He would also say it takes strong organized support from experts to effect a meaningful recovery from the heroin addicted lifestyle, and that people constantly forgiving (and thereby enabling) addict behaviors while they're still happening is no help whatsoever. Set specific boundaries, and, if you think you might be heard, explain why it has to be this way, at least for now. "Hope to see you healthy on the other side - and become good friends again." Last edited by tinnitus; 11-28-2021 at 03:24 PM. |
#54
|
|||
|
|||
Ive seen too many people whose success in living a good life was too often defined by friends, for better or worse as the case may have been at the time. One of the things children need to learn is how to pick the right friends. But no one teaches this.
__________________
The Bard Rocks Fay OM Sinker Redwood/Tiger Myrtle Sexauer L00 Adk/Magnolia For Sale Hatcher Jumbo Bearclaw/"Bacon" Padauk Goodall Jumbo POC/flamed Mahogany Appollonio 12 POC/Myrtle MJ Franks Resonator, all Australian Blackwood Blackbird "Lucky 13" - carbon fiber '31 National Duolian + many other stringed instruments. |
#55
|
||||
|
||||
I’m 39. I keep in touch with one friend from high school. He was best man at my wedding and we are still fairly close, although we live in different cities and have very different lives (he has no children, and I have 3 young kids). I have another that I see every few years, and that’s it. I also have a few College friends I keep up with.
Sometime around 30 things changed for me, and I lost touch with a lot of my high school friends. I got married, had kids, and became reasonably successful while they did not. Then I moved away. It’s not even that I consciously cut them out, I just realized we had really nothing in common anymore outside of reminiscing about some old days that I don’t look back in all that fondly. I have lots of new friends now that are much more like minded and share more similar lives and interests. And I don’t have to worry about getting in trouble hanging out with them.
__________________
| 1968 Martin D-28 | 1949 Gibson J-45 | 1955 Gibson LG-2 | Santa Cruz 000 Cocobolo / Italian Spruce | Martin D-18 1939 Authentic Aged | Martin Gruhn Guitars Custom D-21 Adi/Madi | Gibson J-45 | Fender American Elite Telecaster | Fender American Standard Stratocaster | Gibson Les Paul Standard | Gibson Les Paul Studio | PRS Custom 24 10-Top | Gibson Les Paul 1960 Reissue (R0) | |
#56
|
|||
|
|||
I’ve distanced myself from old friends, and likewise old friends have distanced themselves from me, more or less actively or passively — without substance abuse issues of any kind. It just happens.
Honestly, with a family, and other interests, I don’t have much time for friends who aren’t A) parents of kids the same age as mine, B) fellow musicians, or C) happy to get together briefly once a year or two. |
#57
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
|
#58
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
I can't tell you how many times over the years they have thanked me for making the effort to keep in touch and make the drive (a lot of times it's geographical distance that gets in the way) to see them when they couldn't do so. Sure, I had commitments of my own, but I found the time. If the people are meaningful to you, you'll find a way. In this day and age it's pretty easy to stay connected somehow!
__________________
"One small heart, and a great big soul that's driving" |
#59
|
|||
|
|||
JDoug you're right on track. All I'd suggest is that if it remains healthy for you to remain in contact with these friends, continue to do so. If it's not healthy for you, keep your distance yet hopefully remain compassionate toward them.
I am fully supportive of the disease concept of addiction for this is what the science says. Much like other diseases, living with addiction dictates lifestyle changes that may require a change of friends. Provided I don''t use today or until then, I will celebrate 33 years clean and sober next month. This has required a lot of work on my part and a complete change of friends and context. I thank God that I've had this chance to change.
__________________
"I go for a lotta things that's a little too strong" J.L. Hooker |
#60
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
To go even darker, I’ll paraphrase Alice Munro: By the time your children are in their sixties, they’re really just other people to you, like anyone else. |