Best Guitarist or Musician Jokes

[Jmaulz]

Then there's the one about the the guitar repair guy who says: "I'll have it ready for you in a week".

[jaybones]

How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at your door?

Knocking speeds up and he doesn’t know when to come in.



At the Pearly Gates St. Peter is asking questions of the recently departed to see who gains admittance and ever lasting life.

He asks first in line what they think makes them worthy of entrance.

Guy replies “I was a dentist , made six figures but worked a month for free at a clinic in Africa. I also tithed $30,000-$40,000 to the church each year.”

St. Peter says “Well done worthy Christian, welcome to heaven.”

Next person says “I too donated my time and skills at a free clinic. I traveled the world performing corrective surgery to children born with cleft palates.”

Again “Well done worthy Christian, welcome to heaven.”

Next guy says “Man, I didn’t do none of that stuff. I was barely getting by making $20,000 a year.”

St. Peter says “Cool! What instrument?”

[fuman]

So this guitarist is reading the classifieds and he sees an ad: "Guitarist wanted. Pro gear and attitude a must for gig on long river cruise." He figures it sounds good and he calls the number in the ad. A guy tells him to bring his equipment for a tryout at an address down by the river.

So the guitarist goes to the address. It's a rough-looking warehouse in a bad neighborhood. But he really wants the gig. So he knocks on the door and a mean-looking fella shows him into a room. And while the guitarist is bent over getting his guitar out, another ruffian clobbers him on the head.

The two thugs steal his gear and (pretty much empty) wallet and tie him to a log. They carry him down tot he river and toss him in. "Have fun on the cruise, sucker!" the yell as he starts to float away. "Man," the guitarist thinks. "How could I have been so stupid?"

So after floating for a while, lo and behold, he bumps into another guy tied to a log! He can't believe it. So he asks how the guy wound up in the same predicament, and he says, "I saw an ad that said 'drummer wanted for river cruise.'" Now the guitarist is bummed. He's stuck with a drummer for the foreseeable future. So it seems that a situation that couldn't get any worse just has.

But despite their differences, the two fellas get along pretty well and they enjoy lying about their storied music careers and all the groupies they've been with, etc. And there's a lull in the conversation, so the guitarist asks, sarcastically, "Man, I wonder if they'll have beer and dancing girls on this cruise?"

And the drummer says, "I doubt it. There wasn't none last year."

[markallen]

My personal favorite:

A man walks into a store along the wharfs of San Francisco and sees a small very detailed statue of a golden rat, thinks it's cool. The tag says $12. "Is this really $12?" he asks the shop owner. "Yes, $12 for the statue, but $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man sees the obvious sales ploy, ignores it, and says, "No story, I just want the statue." So he makes his purchase and leaves the store.

As soon as he leaves the store, he begins to hear noises behind him, and he turns around to see a large wharf rat following him. Soon, more rats begin following him. As he speeds up and quickens his pace, so do the rats. More rats come out of the drains, the sewers, the alleys, they come out from everywhere.

The man panics, freaks out and starts to run. Every rat in the city is following behind him. He runs as fast as he can until he reaches the end of the wharf and hurls the Golden Rat with all his strength as far out into the sea as he can. Every rat in town follows the statue off the pier and drowns in the icy water below. Once calmed down, he goes back to the store. Upon seeing the man return, the store owner smiles at him and nods knowingly. "Ah, my friend, now you came back for the story, didn't you?"

"No," the man replies. "I want know if you have a golden banjo player."

[Tele1111]

Mark

[Charmed Life Picks]

Originally Posted by Tele1111

Mark

The ones on this page are all terrific, especially the one about the drummer at the door. These really brought a smile to my face.

More, more! I need more humor!

thanks, all,
scott memmer

[Charmed Life Picks]

One of my faves, probably mentioned before.

Question: Lying dead on a country road are a dog and a banjo player. What's the difference?

Answer: The dog has skid marks in front of him.

sm

[Ozzy the dog]

A Surgeon, an Astronaut, a Nuclear Physicist and a Lead Guitarist decide to sell their brains for medical research after they die.

The Surgeon, Astronaut and Physicist are offered £100 each but the Guitarist gets £5,000.

The three men scream out "How come the guitarist's brain is worth £5,000 when our brains are only worth £100?"

To which the researcher replies "Simple - it's never been used".

[cotten]

Last year I replaced my trusty $150 Yamaha with an $8,000 Collings. Last week I got a call from the dealer I bought it from, complaining that I had been enjoying it for an entire but that I had yet to pay for it. Boy, did we go around and around. Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, that Collins would pay for its self. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back... I bet he felt stupid!

cotten

[jaybones]

Perfect pitch is when you toss your broken banjo in a dumpster and it misses the sides, lands on a pile of bagpipes.

[jaybones]

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?

Large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Tele1111]

Originally Posted by cotten

Last year I replaced my trusty $150 Yamaha with an $8,000 Collings. Last week I got a call from the dealer I bought it from, complaining that I had been enjoying it for an entire but that I had yet to pay for it. Boy, did we go around and around. Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, that Collins would pay for its self. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back... I bet he felt stupid!

cotten

John, that was hilarious!

Mark

[Tico]

Originally Posted by cotten

Last year I replaced my trusty $150 Yamaha with an $8,000 Collings. Last week I got a call from the dealer I bought it from, complaining that I had been enjoying it for an entire but that I had yet to pay for it. Boy, did we go around and around. Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, that Collins would pay for its self. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back... I bet he felt stupid!

cotten

I'm blond, have a $199 Recording King, and want a free $8000 Collings.
What's that dealers phone number?

[GaryJ]

Heard this one a couple of weeks ago.

Oscar Wilde reflecting on the sound of the bagpipes:

"Thank Heaven there is no smell".

[SCVJ]

What did the Grateful Dead fan say when the acid wore off?

"This music sucks!!"