On vacation...just like retirement?

[Neil K Walk]

Originally Posted by AX17609

I wasn't aware we were related.

Like the "About Schmidt" character, I saw myself through my job, and I thought what I did was very important. When I returned to the building after I retired, I thought that my replacement would welcome my counsel. But, that was not the case. However important my work had been to the company, I was not important anymore. When I worked, I was in charge, and everyone had to care what I thought. Now, no one cares what I think...about anything. Very few people will even read this post, much less respect the thoughts behind it.

Without my job and the feelings of self-worth that my job gave me, I'm pretty empty. My hobbies are unfulfilling, because I'm not very good at them, and they haven't helped me connect with other people. Former colleagues have drifted away. I've made zero new friends since I retired 10 years ago, and I spend most of my time alone. I eat right and exercise regularly, but at 70 my body is now starting to fail me. The vigor is exiting quickly. I'm not looking forward to the next segment of my life, which appears to be directed at managing pain.

Has it been a vacation? No, not hardly.

I'm sorry to hear that - especially the feelings of your body failing you. That sounds like it might just not be an aging thing but buildup of stress hormones.

It sounds like you fell into the trap of letting your job define you. I imagine that most of your friends were actually colleagues - meaning that they might not actually have been friends.

Have you considered volunteer work? How about joining a gym or exercise/hobby group?

[AX17609]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

I'm sorry to hear that - especially the feelings of your body failing you. That sounds like it might just not be an aging thing but buildup of stress hormones.

It sounds like you fell into the trap of letting your job define you. I imagine that most of your friends were actually colleagues - meaning that they might not actually have been friends.

Have you considered volunteer work? How about joining a gym or exercise/hobby group?

Thanks. Tried all those things and more, but I don't want to go into detail. This thread isn't a pity party about me. I just offer my story as a cautionary tale. Retirement isn't always magic. Personally, I've concluded that unless I occupy a position of authority, I'm an unlikeable person. Hence, no friends. I guess that's what I've taken away from life experience.

[RP]

Originally Posted by AX17609

...Now, no one cares what I think...about anything. Very few people will even read this post, much less respect the thoughts behind it.

Without my job and the feelings of self-worth that my job gave me, I'm pretty empty. My hobbies are unfulfilling, because I'm not very good at them, and they haven't helped me connect with other people. Former colleagues have drifted away. I've made zero new friends since I retired 10 years ago, and I spend most of my time alone. I eat right and exercise regularly, but at 70 my body is now starting to fail me. The vigor is exiting quickly. I'm not looking forward to the next segment of my life, which appears to be directed at managing pain.

Has it been a vacation? No, not hardly.

I read your post and feel bad for you. I suppose that are some advantages to having a job/career that did little in the way of fulfilling self-worth. I too am 70 and although there are things I can no longer physically manage to do, I've never really been happier. I hope that you can also find joy in this chapter of your life...

Originally Posted by AX17609

...Personally, I've concluded that unless I occupy a position of authority, I'm an unlikeable person...

I think that's a very telling statement because it not only indicates an external locus of control but also defines the nature of the relationship with others that provides your self-worth as one in which you must control them. This may not be uncommon among former corporate heads and high ranking military officers. I think that you might benefit from some form of counseling. Good luck...

[6L6]

I fully retired in 2004. Loved almost every minute since!

[Mr. Jelly]

The other day I was at my bank teller's window. Outside of coarse as they don't let people inside now days. She asked if she could ask me a question and I said "okay". She asked how to become successful or something very similar. I was a little shocked given the circumstances. So I asked how old she was, twenty two she answered. I thought this is going to be easy. Then I asked what she wanted. She answered happiness. I answered that's a hard one. So of coarse I answered let existence be it's own reward. It's the best I got.

[Neil K Walk]

Originally Posted by AX17609

Thanks. Tried all those things and more, but I don't want to go into detail. This thread isn't a pity party about me. I just offer my story as a cautionary tale. Retirement isn't always magic. Personally, I've concluded that unless I occupy a position of authority, I'm an unlikeable person. Hence, no friends. I guess that's what I've taken away from life experience.

I understand, though I’m not retired. When my wife and I had kids we felt that our kids would benefit from one of us staying home. Since she had a career on an upward trajectory I drew the straw. In the eyes of employers that gap in work history means that I am at a severe disadvantage in the job market. It’s disheartening. I’m too young and educated to pass out shopping carts at the Wal Mart.

[tinnitus]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

I understand, though I’m not retired. When my wife and I had kids we felt that our kids would benefit from one of us staying home. Since she had a career on an upward trajectory I drew the straw. In the eyes of employers that gap in work history means that I am at a severe disadvantage in the job market. It’s disheartening. I’m too young and educated to pass out shopping carts at the Wal Mart.

Sorry, but this actually does fit right into the theme of the thread.

A 28-year old Manager at Walmart became aware that his new greeter was showing up 15-20 minutes late every day. Fred was a nice old gentleman but his habitual tardiness could not be ignored. So Fred's young boss resolved to confront him the next time he was late. And sure enough, he arrived half an hour overdue the very next day.

Manager: "So, Fred, what did they say at your last job when you came in late every day?"

Fred: "Cup of coffee Admiral?"

[PorkPieGuy]

Here's one: Once you retire and your kids/grandkids come over to visit, put down your freaking phone, and turn off the TV to talk to them. Your offspring are working like dogs and have very little time right now, but they made time to come see you. Make some time for them. (Speaking from experience.)

[Neil K Walk]

Originally Posted by PorkPieGuy

Here's one: Once you retire and your kids/grandkids come over to visit, put down your freaking phone, and turn off the TV to talk to them. Your offspring are working like dogs and have very little time right now, but they made time to come see you. Make some time for them. (Speaking from experience.)

Parents are just as guilty, but OTOH modern communication technology like smart phones and Amazon Echos are not evil. During times of quarantine we've been able to interact with people who we haven't been able to see in person.

What is dangerous is the access to an overabundance of information which can be overwhelming and addictive - and sometimes flat out incorrect. Younger generations are starting to realize that not can you not believe everything you read, but that you should also "fact check."

[Mr. Jelly]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

What is dangerous is the access to an overabundance of information which can be overwhelming and addictive - and sometimes flat out incorrect. Younger generations are starting to realize that not can you not believe everything you read, but that you should also "fact check."

You would have thought that older experienced people would have realized this right off the bat. But then I always give people to much credit for having intelligence.

[Neil K Walk]

Originally Posted by Mr. Jelly

You would have thought that older experienced people would have realized this right off the bat. But then I always give people to much credit for having intelligence.

I have the benefit of having a 13yo who reminds me that I am not infallible.

[RP]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

I have the benefit of having a 13yo who reminds me that I am not infallible.

I have a 70 year-old under my roof who does the same thing....

[Neil K Walk]

Originally Posted by RP

I have a 70 year-old under my roof who does the same thing....

Yea, I get that from my wife too. I’m seriously thinking about going to truck driving school.

[RP]

Originally Posted by Neil K Walk

Yea, I get that from my wife too.

I live alone....

[buddyhu]

Originally Posted by AX17609

I wasn't aware we were related.

Like the "About Schmidt" character, I saw myself through my job, and I thought what I did was very important. When I returned to the building after I retired, I thought that my replacement would welcome my counsel. But, that was not the case. However important my work had been to the company, I was not important anymore. When I worked, I was in charge, and everyone had to care what I thought. Now, no one cares what I think...about anything. Very few people will even read this post, much less respect the thoughts behind it.

Without my job and the feelings of self-worth that my job gave me, I'm pretty empty. My hobbies are unfulfilling, because I'm not very good at them, and they haven't helped me connect with other people. Former colleagues have drifted away. I've made zero new friends since I retired 10 years ago, and I spend most of my time alone. I eat right and exercise regularly, but at 70 my body is now starting to fail me. The vigor is exiting quickly. I'm not looking forward to the next segment of my life, which appears to be directed at managing pain.

Has it been a vacation? No, not hardly.

I know you have posted this as a cautionary tale, and I can accept it as that. I would like to add a epilogue to the description of my Dad’s retirement, and a bit of my own experience.

Remarkably, my Dad had a few good years at the very end of his life. My mom died when he was 85, and at that point he had been showing many signs of dementia for about 5 or 6 years...which meant that it would not be possible for him to live at home even if we had been able to afford 24 hour care at home. So we found an assisted living facility near me, and moved him in. It was not an easy adjustment at first.

However, as his dementia progressed over the next couple of years, he became less capable of sustaining complex thought, and eventually he seemed to be unable to persist in a lifelong mental habit of being critical of himself and of others. And gradually, as his thinking became simpler (and the content of his thinking became “impoverished”), he became happier and happier.

I also think that he discovered how to enjoy the simple pleasures of the companionship he found in his assisted living facility, and later in his dementia facility. He became very sweet, expressed a lot of appreciation for me and for his situation (a situation that most dread....The equivalent of living in a “nursing home”), and more affectionate and cling than I had known him to be for all the years before that.

In a way that seems very unlikely to this day, the last 4 years of his life were perhaps the happiest of his adult life, and definitely the happiest chapters of his retirement life.

What I learned from watching this process (and from reading and studying the many books that are available that offer inspiration and perspective about life and it’s challenges....including the challenges of chronic pain) is to make daily efforts to deal with the any loneliness and social disconnection I feel, and to focus on what still is available to me today (rather than focusing in the many things that used to be available in earlier years, but which have been lost, such as a sharp memory, a sense of self-importance, an agile and pain free body, the vitality of youth, etc., etc). It takes practice to refocus this way, but it can be done....at least, that is what the books have told me, and it seems to be true for me.

No one enjoys losses associated with age. But we have a choice about whether to focus on the gradual erosion via losses, or to focus on what is still available, still possible.

......time for me to enjoy a cup of coffee, and to enjoy the fact that I still have enough of my mental capacity left to complete my tax returns, and to enjoy going for a walk in the rain (instead of the run that I used to do when my knees and back didn’t “talk back to me” as much) as a reward for finishing my taxes. It is good enough...