friends with problems

I have some high school friends. We all turn 50 next year. Most have serious substance abuse problems and fidelity issues. All are divorced from some really great former spouses and have young kids in the mix. Outside of recommending they change (which I have) I feel there is not much else I can do to help so I've backed away from them. I just can't relate to their current state. We are on very different life paths and I've finally lost my ability to sympathize with them. I know that's mean but it is how I feel.

How have others dealt with this?

[tbeltrans]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

I have some high school friends. We all turn 50 next year. Most have serious substance abuse problems and fidelity issues. All are divorced from some really great former spouses and have young kids. Outside of recommending they change (which I have) I feel there is not much I can do to help so I've backed away from them. I feel they have created their own misery and I just can't relate to their current state. We are on very different life paths and I've finally lost my ability to sympathize with them. I know that's mean but it is how I feel.

How have others dealt with this?

I don't see your attitude as mean at all. Instead, it is being the opposite of co-dependent, which is healthy.

You said: Outside of recommending they change (which I have) I feel there is not much I can do to help so I've backed away from them.

...so it isn't as if you are cold-hearted about the situation, but instead that you established healthy boundaries.

Tony

[MrDB]

I don't think we are alone in that situation. People take different paths after high school/college. I don't associate with many of the people I graduated with as they just don't interest me anymore.

Like you some of them have alcohol or other addiction issues. Some have become radical idealists who have to spout their political opinions at everyone they see. Some want to act like they are still in high school.

Life is short, I don't have time or patience for that stuff. You are doing the right thing by eliminating those people from your life.

[Mr. Paul]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

..

How have others dealt with this?

John Gorka dealt with it by writing this song

[fitness1]

Don't give it a second thought...

One of my best friends from the old days has never left the old days. His drinking etc has cost him countless jobs and a marriage of 20 plus years.

He's 60 now and looks 15 years older. Both of his parents died in their mid 60's, and I keep waiting to get the call.

About 12 years ago or so was the last time he made an effort to contact me. There were many calls going the other way that were not returned. I did make an effort about 6-7 years ago to stop and see him at the restaurant he was running, he came out and gave me a big hug and we talked for quite a while - he had no idea of the time that had gone by and how many calls I'd made in his pickled state.

I've just given up now - his older brother and I are facebook friends and every once in a while my buddy shows up in a picture. I'll comment and his older brother will say "Jim says he'll call you soon" but, of course that never happens.

So, live your life and when people's choices aren't in line with the way you'd like to live, don't worry too much about it. Either they will come around someday or they won't, but it's not your gig.

[imwjl]

Originally Posted by J-Doug

I have some high school friends. We all turn 50 next year. Most have serious substance abuse problems and fidelity issues. All are divorced from some really great former spouses and have young kids in the mix. Outside of recommending they change (which I have) I feel there is not much else I can do to help so I've backed away from them. I just can't relate to their current state. We are on very different life paths and I've finally lost my ability to sympathize with them. I know that's mean but it is how I feel.

How have others dealt with this?

Make reasonable efforts to help. Move on if not. Someone brought up Carlo M. Cipolla in another forum. It's harsh but I think we have to consider if we're dealing with someone who's intelligent, helpless, bandit or stupid.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_M._Cipolla

Of course try to use nicer wording than Mr. Cipolla. The VP/owner I report to will say someone is not long for our world.

[Big Band Guitar]

Distance and lots of it. Works for me.

[The Watchman]

Going through the same process currently, except we're getting close to our 50th reunion. People's attitudes change when we start to realize the end is closer than the beginning, and the people either wise up, or are gone. My conclusion is to concentrate on the ones who turned out well, and look for the ones who might be "new old friends". Life is too short to take on the burden of others' bad decisions.

[rmp]

Originally Posted by Mr. Paul

John Gorka dealt with it by writing this song

good call Mr. Paul

I'm a HUGE John Gorka fan.

[jklotz]

I think most of us have at least one or two of those. I got a call from a high school friend who I haven't seen in years who told me he desperately needed a $6K loan. I mean, come on man, you are in your 50's. Isn't it time you got your life together?

[tinnitus]

Watching long-time friendships falter and fade must surely be a big part of the classic "hitting bottom" process that addicts in recovery often cite as part of the decision to actually change some bad habits.

[Jim Owen]

As a person who knows what this looks like from multiple angles, I don’t see your behavior as being cold. It’s honest to point out when others create their own problems. People don’t change until they want to.

That being said, I still have friends from the old days. I’m the designated driver.

[TRose]

I’ve been in a similar position with friends from college and high school.
Appropriate boundaries are healthiest for all involved.
At times, it can be difficult to tell if “helping” is actually enabling behavior that ultimately hurts the individual.

Sometimes just being completely honest is called for.
“Hey ____, I’ve always valued your friendship and want the best for you. For that reason I can’t stand by and watch you do this to yourself, your spouse, your kids and all those you love and value you.
If I were fumbling at the important stuff in my life I would hope you would call me out. Because that’s what real friends do for each other.”

They may not like hearing it but it’s the least I can do for someone I actually care about.

Just my opinion.

[rllink]

You can't tell other people how they should live their life. You can, but it isn't going to change them. As hard as it is, you have to let it go. I took a psychology class in college and one chapter was titled, " the rescuer becomes the victim." I've seen that happen so many times over the years. It is like rescuing a drowning person, they will pull you under with them. There are professionals who trained to deal with people who are on that path, but they have to seek help themselves, you can't do it for them.

[raysachs]

I'm still in touch with 8-10 high school friends, really close to 2-3 of them, the others I'm happy to be in touch with but it wouldn't be a huge deal if I wasn't. We still see each other periodically, at reunions, when more than a few of us are in the town we grew up in (a few still live there), and on semi-regular "boys trips" where we all meet somewhere for a long weekend of hanging out. I live farther afield than most so I've only been on a couple of these boy's trips, but they happen pretty regularly.

We almost lost a couple of these guys in the decade or so after high school, to substance abuse, to dealing and getting involved with the wrong people. One of them we'd all written off as basically dead - we didn't expect to ever see him alive again. But everyone got it together to one degree or another - most of us were pretty much fine right along. There are a couple of guys who are single / divorced, so they behave pretty much as they want on those boy's trips. There's one guy who's married, but is not even slightly faithful to his wife, and is out on the hunt every night on those trips. I can't say that there's nobody else who's been unfaithful, but if so, they keep it to themselves. I think most of us are pretty good people in reasonably happy, stable marriages.

We're all early 60s now, so a bit farther along - most of the craziness is out of our systems. The guy's I'd written off, I'd REALLY written off, and was amazed when they got it together and got back into the group. They've basically said we were right to write them off - they were in a bad way and nobody was gonna get them together but themselves. They're not upset at us - they're thankful that we forced them into getting it together themselves, because that's the only way it was ever gonna work anyway. So do what you need to do. If you have to distance yourself from some of them, do it. If they're all like that, well, that's a real drag, but you gotta be who YOU are - you can't try to keep up with people you don't respect. Some of you may find yourselves reconnecting later, others maybe not.

But life's too short. If it's your kid or a sibling, you do whatever you can, but friends are friends by choice, and if a friendship ends, it ends. Somewhat ironically, the couple of guys I'd been close to that I've really lost touch with sort of went the other way, who got so deeply into a lifestyle and belief system that they wouldn't associate with people who hadn't gone as deep in that direction. They pretty much just distanced themselves from the rest of us because we didn't subscribe to the same beliefs, or if so, not as exclusively or to the extent of writing off others' who had different beliefs. One of them I was the best man in his wedding and he and his wife went so deep in a particular direction he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, or any of his other old friends for that matter. It's a drag, but it's his choice.

-Ray