Wyllys,
I like what you've done — it brings out the inner nerd in me. A suggested simplification:
1. Alway have same number of lines per measure — in this case 4.
2. Put off beat eighth notes on the same line in same form.
3. Silent beat lines a single “x” (easier to recognize than “x x x x x x”).
4. I’m not sure what role your initial period played.
Here is a rewrite — not sure I got your timing spot-on, but you get the idea. Now the eighth notes pop.
Jim
x 5 x 5 x 7 . x x x x x 5
x 7 x 7 8 x . x x x x 7 x
x x 4 5 x x
x x 5 x 0 x
3 x x x 0 x
x 0 x x 1 x
x 1 x x 2 x
x 2 x x 3 x
x 6 x x 7 7 . x x x x 5 x
x 7 x 7 8 x . x x x 7 x x
x x 4 5 x x
x x 6 x 0 x
4 x x 4 x x
3 x x 3 x x
2 x x 2 x x
0 x x 1 x x
x x x x 3 x . x x x x 1 x
x x x x 1 x . x x x x 0 x
x x x 0 x x
x 0 x x 1 3
x
x 3 x 2 x 0
x
x 5 4 5 3 x . x x x 0 0 x
x x x 2 1 x . x x x 3 2 x
x x 4 x 3 x . x x x x 0 x
x 4 x 3 x x . x x x x 0 x
x 2 x 0 x x
x
x
x
x
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