Performance anxiety - face it or focus elsewhere?
 

Hi. I'm a new member and just getting acclimated here. I'm a guitar player and singer. Within the past 10 years I've started writing music and lyrics and did an EP of originals with a band about 5 years ago. I have terrible performance anxiety and can never come close to sounding as good live as I did in the studio, where I had coaching and support in real time. I've recently found a music partner and we've played a few open mics. He thinks we sound great. I know we sound just okay, and my performance is only a fraction of what it sounds like in my living room or on the EP. I'm not sure I'll ever have the chops for performing. I'm in my 50s already. I stress the entire day before an open mic - of two songs! My music partner is excited about all the possibilities for us playing out and building up to 30 or more minutes of material. I'm the lead (and only) singer between us. If in my situation, would you focus more on songwriting and trying to get songs out to others to play, or would you take the time and energy to sound better live, knowing it's been an uphill battle for decades? Another possibility is to put effort into another recording, and not worry about live shows. Thoughts appreciated.

I work on both because I know I'll never improve at either if I don't practice. I'm about the same age and also get nervous but the more I play live, that nervousness turns to excitement.

But ultimately, it sounds like this is a hobby for you so just do what brings you the most joy.

Welcome to the AGF, Orange. You're not alone with performance anxiety. It took me a year of gigging in a band before I could feel comfortable playing guitar on stage. Open mics prior to that also helped.

I say continue with the open mics. Record them and give them a listen.

Is there anything differently you're doing at home rather than an open mic? i.e. are you playing sitting down at home and standing up at the open mic? Try to mimic it in both locations.

Also, any chance you have the option to practice your songs in a new location that more closely resembles an open mic location, at a time when no one is present?

When I was 18 I played in a duo as the lead but I wanted to get out there and play. He had the anxiety but when I took the lead with confidence it was infectious and gave him his own confidence to focus and have fun with it. I think you might look to your playing partner's enthusiasm and confidence and let it overtake your own. The synergy won't have a chance if you ball up inside yourself.

Everybody sounds better at home than they'll ever sound live. Everybody makes mistakes when performing. Try for perfection but learn to accept being good and honest. I've been a musician over 40 years. I'll always prefer playing with people over playing for people, but I do enjoy public performance. I focus on sharing the songs, not on me.

All that said, I know people who have a lot of anxiety about performing to the point where they can't enjoy it. At the end of a performance they feel like they survived a car wreck. If that's you maybe public performance isn't for you. I've also played with those that are too lax about it - they don't have any concern about how we sound or interact and don't even try to prepare. That's no good for me either.

This is the really important question but for me to answer it I'd have to also know which you really want to do. If you really want to play in public then there's no way at all you should give up, but if it doesn't matter to you, then just focus on the writing and recording.

First, regarding the performance anxiety allow me to suggest this read :http://www.acousticfingerstyle.com/openmics.htm as an aid in your effort to control/overcome it. I found this article years ago, and still often re-read it when I have an upcoming performance, as it delivers wonderful insights and strategies, and puts me in a great frame of mind.

As for whether you should concentrate on performing, writing or recording that's a very personal decision. All I have to offer is that all three are valid musical pursuits, and with time and effort you'll improve at each of those skills. My personal musical journey started with writing being my primary interest. Later I decided to work on playing technique as a means to expand and freshen my songwriting abilities. As I became a better player I developed a desire to perform. And when my performances started to get some nice reviews I decided to dive into recording. It's been a very rewarding path every step of the way, but it was based on my personal interests. Your path could be quite different, but it would be a shame to limit yourself unnecessarily. You may yet prove that you can do it all.

It's probably a bigger fraction than you think. If your partner thinks you sound great ((even if he means together, not just you) trust him. He may just be naturally more confident and less fussy about details, but that's what you need in a performing partner!
You have already. You can play. AND sing. The audience can't. I mean, other than the other performers of course....
I can see that's a source of stress, as eyes are all on you. It's probably why your partner feels a lot more relaxed.
The main thing to remember is that you certainly look and sound more competent and in control than you feel. As long as you're not visibly red and sweating, and not stopping songs in the middle - you look cool.
The danger about feeling as you do is that you may feel you need to apologise to the crowd all the time. Don't do that! I mean, unless you really do have to stop in the middle of a song because you forgot it.
And then the best thing is to laugh it off. The worst thing is to get apologetic and serious, because audiences will pick up on your embarrassment and start squirming themselves. You're all out to have a good time, that's the bottom line. If they haven't paid to see you, they can't demand their money back! :D
Well, your parner says you sound OK - even "great" - so why do you think you don't?
Have you video'd yourself, or seen video of you performing?

Obviously there's always room for improvement, however good you get, but there's no sense in obsessing about it. Not for open mics anyway. Open mics are the ideal place to get comfortable with performing live, to screw up when nobody much minds.
It's totally normal to have stage nerves, even for quite experienced performers, you just need to get used to the fact that your chops are reduced when you play live. (Mine can be anything from 50-80% of what they are in private - and I'm reasonably confident as a performer, I've been doing it since I was 17; and I'm 70 now).
So don't attempt tunes that are at the limit of your skills, ones that you've only just mastered. Sing and play the easy tunes, build up a short repertoire of familiar favourites (even if you think they're boring) while you build your confidence. At open mics I go to, I've been watching some of the performers for years, and I swear most of them know no more than 5 or 6 songs in total.. They sing the same ones all the time, and nobody minds. They become audience favourites too, like their greatest hits. "Oh it's Bob, I'll bet he's going to sing Proud Mary again... Come on Bob, do Proud Mary!" :D

As for "retiring" in order to focus on writing, you really need to discuss that with your partner, especially if they really like performing, and need you to partner them. Would you be depriving him, or could he still go out on his own, or find another partner?
But why either/or? Perform, write, record. All good. Assuming you have the time...

Wise responses - thank you
 

I have read all of the responses so far, and each has wisdom and food for thought. Someone mentioned the 'train wreck' feeling after a performance, and yes, that is me. I recently saw a video of myself performing, without my partner, and it was hard to watch, but good to watch. I came across as wooden and disengaged; not putting myself down - just observing. However, after the performance (just an open mic at an outdoor event) I got a lot of positive, genuine feedback from the audience. The commenters here who say that I should play off of my partner's enthusiasm make an excellent point. I think I'll keep at it, train wreck feelings or not. And yes, there are physical manifestations (sweating, hands not working well), not all that apparent to the audience, but apparent to me, and taxing.

I want to note that I'm a woman, and my music partner is a man. He backs me with guitar and dobro, and will be introducing violin and mandolin at some point. I write music and lyrics as a confident adult, and my stage presence is that of a nervous child. This is a psychological struggle for me and I'm happy I've been able to share it here.

Play, have fun, and don't let your own thoughts destroy a great show. We are our own worst critics. The crowd will never be as hard in you as you are on yourself. Loosen up and enjoy the spotlight.

The more you do, the more comfortable it becomes. Tonight I had a gig with a local pick up band that gets together weekly. We don't rehearse. And at a gig, we just go around and everyone is expected to play/lead a tune. It is a bit chaotic and unsettling since it is so unpredictable. You never know what tune will come up. But that uncertainty makes it very interesting. But to the point, I find that humor is the best stress reliever ever. There is no better way to connect with an audience, and shed stress, than a laugh. Even something as corny as "do not try this at home - we are trained processionals." It cannot be contrived or trite. It has to be genuine. But if you can tell a quick story, get a laugh, you will feel the audience behind you, even when they are in front of you. Best of luck.

This is one of the hallmarks of a musician who will always keep improving. One of most damaging, trite and meaningless things you can hear is being told not to worry about it, you're your own worst critic, you'll never be satisfied.

If you don't worry about it, you'll never improve.

Your real worst critics will be scattered among the club owners, drunks and jealous listeners who insist that if you'd only listen to them then you'd be better than you are.

If you become satisfied, then you're at the end of your improvement stages and will never get better.



Your approach of watching and listening to your own performance and then determining what it is you didn't like and how to fix it is the best thing you can do in your quest to be the best you that you can imagine.

Two very important points, which you may already have in mind, are acknowledging both your strengths and your weaknesses, honestly.

Take advantage of your strengths and work at improving in your weak areas and you'll always be getting better.

This may seem like an odd suggestion, but there are things outside of music that you can do to combat performance anxiety or stage fright.

Have you ever taken a course in presentation skills, like ToastMasters or something like that?

If you attend church, have you ever thought of being a reader, or even sing in the choir/praise band?

Have you ever considered taking an acting class or doing a community theater show?

Any of the above can help you get more comfortable in front of a crowd, and then you can begin to focus on polishing your presentation skills.

As a definite introvert, I thought I could never get comfortable with being onstage, and even after years of performing it still didn't feel like I would ever relax and enjoy myself, much less be good at connecting with an audience.

The best thing I ever did - by a LOOOONG shot - was joining Toastmasters. I had no idea! Who knew that expressing your self and connecting with an audience were the same skills regardless of medium? And skills that could be steadily improved with systematic techniques that have profoundly helped millions find their own confidence?:lol:

1. Jerry Garcia suffered from stage fright.

2. Musicians hear what they did wrong, crowds hear what they did right. The people in the audience want you to be successful.