Best Guitarist or Musician Jokes
 

There was a thread a year or two ago that went on and on with a lot of great musician jokes, so I'd love to get one going again.

I'll start with a coupla old standards:

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A) Homeless

Q: What do you call a hundred banjo players at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start

Have at it -- but keep it clean!

scott memmer

Good thing you have a 'joke' disclaimer in the title.

:)

Budding amateur guitarist decides to try his hand at performing, and offers to do a gig at the local convalescent home. After a short performance he was wrapping up and spoke to a person in a chair on the front. "I hope you get better soon" said the guitarist with a smile. "I hope you get better soon aswell " said the patient

A drummer gets a job...

An attractive woman in a black dress walks into a shop and orders "fish and chips"

The shop assistant looks at her and says "Excuse me but are you a viola player?"

"Why yes" the woman replies "how can you tell?"

Well, replied the shop keeper "Because this is a tobacconist."

In the classical orchestra world (I'm told) viola players are the butt of the kinds of jokes we make about drummers.

Have a guitarist at your house that won't leave?


Pay for the pie.

A mandolin player, a guitar player and a banjo player are in a restaurant and notice that each has a fly in their soup.

The mandolin player says "Waiter there is a fly in my soup, take it away and throw it out!"

The guitar player says: "Waiter, there is a fly in my soup, take it out!".

The banjo player picks up the fly by the wings and shakes it, yelling `SPIT IT OUT!'"

Why was the electric lead guitarist stood on the porch?
He couldn't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

A friend of mine had a daughter who was marrying a drummer. Needless to say he wasn't overly happy about it. A mutual friend commented: "Look at it this way...you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a drummer!" [insert rim shot here!]:D

How do you know the knock at the door is a drummer?

It speeds up.

Lottery winner
 

A guitarist wins the lottery. A friend asks what he's going to do with his winnings.

He replied " I'm gonna keep gigging until the money runs out." ;-)

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a guitarist." She replies, "Don't be silly, you can't do both."

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

A banjo player is on the way to a gig so carefully puts his banjo on the back seat of his car. He has to make a stop at the post office on his way and locks the car. Upon his return from the post office he notices the back window is smashed. Anxiously, he runs up to his care and pears in expecting to see his banjo stolen. Beside his banjo lies a second one.

How do you tell the stage is level?

The drummer drools equally from both sides of their mouth.


How do you get a guitar player to turn their volume down?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of them.


What's the difference between a banjo and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.


What do you get when you drop a banjo down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.


How do you get two picolo players to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

......a C, an Eb and a G walked into a bar. The barman looked them over and said, "We don't serve minors here".

Young Johnny decides he wants to learn bass, and after some pleading talks his mom into it. So they go to the local music store to buy him a bass rig and sign him up for bass lessons with Bob the bass teacher.

First lesson: Bob, "Johnny, you see that thickest string on the top? That's the E string. Hit it! .....Good. Now go home and practice that and I'll see you next week."

One week later... second lesson: Bob, "Hi Johnny, how did your practice go?" Johnny, "Fine." Bob, "Great! Now you see that second biggest string right below the E string? That's the A string. Hit it! ... Good. Now go home and practice that and I'll see you next week."

Next week Bob waits for Johnny, and he doesn't show. Finally he calls and Johnny's mom answers, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I should have called you. Johnny joined a band and is out on tour."

What do you call a guitar player wearing a suit & tie?




The defendant. :D

Okay here we go:

2 guys were walking down the street. One was a musician, the other didn't have any money either!

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool!

Q: How do you know when a singer as at the door?
A: He can't find the key & doesn't know when to come in!

Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put sheet music in front of him!

Q: What's the difference between a dead 'possum & a a dead trombonist lying in the road?
A: The 'possum was probably on his way to a gig!

Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: Because they're barely used!

Q: What do you call a thousand accordions at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start!

Q: What's the difference between a jazz guitarist & a rock guitarist?
A: The jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords for three people, while the rock guitarist plays three chords for thousands of people!

and lastly:

The guitarist comes back from break to find the bass player beating the tar out of a kid. He rushes over to separate the two and, grabbing the bassist by the collar, yells "what in the world are you doing! What's going on here!". The bassist replies "I was just sitting here, minding my own business when this kid came over and detuned one of the strings on my bass!" The guitarist pauses for a moment, a little confused, and states, "well, that's no reason to start hitting him", to which the bassist responds "sure it is...he won't tell me which one!"

Ill be here all week...try the veal!

What is the definition of perfect pitch?



A banjo hitting an accordion on the bottom of a dumpster.

Q:how do you a drummer to leave you house?

A: Pay for the pizza

Q: You see and banjo and a accordian in the road whoch one do you hit?

A: The banjo business before pleasure!

Q: Question what kind of pickup do you put on a bagpipe?

A: an F-150

Q: How do you tell if someone plays bass?

A: They can't count higher than four.

Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a guitarist.

"Welcome to Heaven - here's your harp"... :halo:
"Welcome to Hades - here's your accordion"... :eek:

I used to be a miner and I must take offence sir! How could you suggest such a terrible murder weapon?;)

What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

What is the definition of a real gentleman?
Someone who can play the banjo…..and doesn’t.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to say they could have done it better.

What's the difference between a bassist and a pizza?....
A pizza can feed a family of 4. Lol

Sent from my SM-J500F using Tapatalk

Hey! I resemble that!
(Not the defendant bit - I've not long gotten home from a funeral and have yet to take off my suit and tie.) :D

A guitarist, a bass player, and a drummer are all riding in a car together. Who is the driver?

The cop.

A bagpipe player is busking on a street corner with a sign that reads:

"Pay or I'll play..."


Gabe

What is the difference between a banjo and a harmonica?

A harmonica sucks every other note.

What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline...