I need advice here, folks!

[LindaW]

My parents are aging and need help. Father had a stroke. Sister lives with them and I am helping pay her so she can work only part time to help out. Vicious dog in the house makes visiting difficult. I love dogs but this one has bitten, and will bite. He's actually cornered me in a room before. Parents are in denial and blame it on 'my fear'. I have two dogs, love dogs, and yes, I DO fear vicious dogs.

I'm going for a visit (staying in a hotel) early this month with my two eldest (22 and 20), because my father is not doing well. My sister is going to try to keep the dog contained, out, etc. but last year he did get out a few times and threaten to attack me. It becomes a don't look at him, don't move situation until someone gets the dog. Then my mother yells at me and blames it on me for 'being scared'. Needless to say, my compassion is shot, and any help I want to give them in moving, etc, is influenced by not wanting to be attacked by their dog. Nor having my family attacked.

I plan to stand my ground this year and if the blaming,etc, starts again, the visit ends and we go home (or simply stay in the hotel and enjoy ourselves in AZ until the trip is up). I feel guilty doing this, but I feel this is my only option. Thoughts?

[amyFB]

Wow, that's a really rough situation you describe.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask for as calm and safe an environment when you visit.

Could you borrow/rent a cage and ask your sister to cage the animal before you arrive and not release it til you leave?

[fazool]

Vicious dog owners who are in denial are infuriating.

If it were me, I simply would tell them "its me or the dog" and then not come.

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by amyFB

Wow, that's a really rough situation you describe.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask for as calm and safe an environment when you visit.

Could you borrow/rent a cage and ask your sister to cage the animal before you arrive and not release it til you leave?

That's the plan. Last time he got out a lot. We'll see this time. They are rather careless with it.

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by fazool

Vicious dog owners who are in denial are infuriating.

If it were me, I simply would tell them "its me or the dog" and then not come.

I'm willing to go one last time to say goodbye to my Dad in person, even if it's in the driveway of the house. Worth the flight $$ for that. He's sort of a victim in all this, since he's been compromised by the stroke.

[Nyghthawk]

If it is for a short visit then ask them to take the dog to a kennel. Offer to pay the bill if necessary.

If they want to see you they should be willing to make accommodations.

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by Nyghthawk

If it is for a short visit then ask them to take the dog to a kennel. Offer to pay the bill if necessary.

If they want to see you they should be willing to make accommodations.

Area kennels won't take him. He's a bite risk to them and other dogs. And definitely I would pay! My aunt can't take him because he'd kill her dogs.

They were supposed to come here, but the doc forgot to put my father back on blood thinners and he had another small stroke. What used to be a clear artery after surgery last August is now back to being over 50% blocked.

[LindaW]

My sister is taking time off from work and helping get the dog out of the house when we are there. That will help a lot. Thank GOD for siblings. She gets a nice treat from wherever she wants after I come back

[Nyghthawk]

Why do they keep the beast if it is that vicious? If it accidentally gets out and bites some kid, other adult, or kills someone's dog they are civilly and possibly criminally liable.

I love dogs. I have owned dogs for the last 45 years. I would not keep one like you describe.

[Steve DeRosa]

Originally Posted by LindaW

...I plan to stand my ground this year and if the blaming etc. starts again, the visit ends and we go home (or simply stay in the hotel and enjoy ourselves in AZ until the trip is up). I feel guilty doing this, but I feel this is my only option. Thoughts?

Originally Posted by fazool

...If it were me, I simply would tell them "it's me or the dog" and then not come.

Another vote for "me or Cujo"...

[cotten]

Hi Linda. Tough situation, and I feel for you. If there had been more time between when you asked this and your visit, I would have suggested your paying to have someone train your parents' dog not to bite. Don't laugh, I've seen it done. I don't know how easy it would be to find the right person where they live, but there are such people, and this would be the best solution all around. Perhaps it still is, though perhaps not for your upcoming visit.

The next step is to talk again with your parents and sister about it. It doesn't matter that their dog doesn't attack them, or that you are afraid. What matters is that does threaten you and others. This makes your visiting them impossible, at least unless or until that threat is controlled or contained. Tell them this, gently and lovingly, yet firmly. If necessary, write down exactly what you want to say, what your requirements are, and when/if the accusations begin again, be completely silent until they subside. When they do, repeat your requirements, as lovingly and unemotionally as you can possibly manage. Continue this until they understand, and either accept or reject your terms. If they accept, you visit. If they don't, you regretfully don't. It's up to them.

So what should those terms be? Here are some possibilities that might work, especially if your visit in their home will be only a few hours (at a time?):

1. Lock the dog securely, with proper provisions for its health and well being, in a garage, a basement, a bathroom, a den or bedroom, even an RV or car if it's not out in the hot sun. (I once visited regularly an elderly lady who had a beautiful very protective Spitz. I would call her about 20 minutes before I arrived at her home. She would put her dog in her bedroom in a kennel, a sort of cage of appropriate size, while I was there. Smart as her dog was, she never got out of that kennel until she was let out.)

2. If there is a fenced back yard and the weather is agreeable, put the dog in the back yard during your visit. Even without a fence, it may be possible to put up a "dog run," basically a cable between two trees, to which the dog's collar can be attached with a leash or shorter cable. This keeps the dog safe and secure, outside.

cotten

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by Nyghthawk

Why do they keep the beast if it is that vicious? If it accidentally gets out and bites some kid, other adult, or kills someone's dog they are civilly and possibly criminally liable.

I love dogs. I have owned dogs for the last 45 years. I would not keep one like you describe.

Because they think "he only nips" and he's "just afraid". They are not dealing with the reality of the situation. The good news is he's only about 15-20 pounds so his damage is limited. But still.

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by cotten

Hi Linda. Tough situation, and I feel for you. If there had been more time between when you asked this and your visit, I would have suggested your paying to have someone train your parents' dog not to bite. Don't laugh, I've seen it done. I don't know how easy it would be to find the right person where they live, but there are such people, and this would be the best solution all around. Perhaps it still is, though perhaps not for your upcoming visit.

The next step is to talk again with your parents and sister about it. It doesn't matter that their dog doesn't attack them, or that you are afraid. What matters is that does threaten you and others. This makes your visiting them impossible, at least unless or until that threat is controlled or contained. Tell them this, gently and lovingly, yet firmly. If necessary, write down exactly what you want to say, what your requirements are, and when/if the accusations begin again, be completely silent until they subside. When they do, repeat your requirements, as lovingly and unemotionally as you can possibly manage. Continue this until they understand, and either accept or reject your terms. If they accept, you visit. If they don't, you regretfully don't. It's up to them.

So what should those terms be? Here are some possibilities that might work, especially if your visit in their home will be only a few hours (at a time?):

1. Lock the dog securely, with proper provisions for its health and well being, in a garage, a basement, a bathroom, a den or bedroom, even an RV or car if it's not out in the hot sun. (I once visited regularly an elderly lady who had a beautiful very protective Spitz. I would call her about 20 minutes before I arrived at her home. She would put her dog in her bedroom in a kennel, a sort of cage of appropriate size, while I was there. Smart as her dog was, she never got out of that kennel until she was let out.)

2. If there is a fenced back yard and the weather is agreeable, put the dog in the back yard during your visit. Even without a fence, it may be possible to put up a "dog run," basically a cable between two trees, to which the dog's collar can be attached with a leash or shorter cable. This keeps the dog safe and secure, outside.

cotten

I hired a trainer when I was there last year. They rejected him. I thought he was great - he used positive reinforcement and cognitive desensitization. I think no one wanted to go through the work. I also bought them a beautiful baby gate with a hinged door for ease of use. Their bedroom and bathroom is quite spacious and he could be there easily. My mother then 'feel badly' for the dog and then I get a raft of hate about 'being so afraid' and 'look what we have to do to the dog'. My sister has woken up to the issue and is really willing to keep things sane while me and the kids are there. We'll keep our visit down to a few hours. They do have a walled backyard but it's 115 degrees so the bedroom is better. My sister said she bought a muzzle that will allow him to drink, take little treats and breathe well so we can work on socializing him without fear of biting. I think that could really be a nice solution. I think me telling them I would not come if something wasn't done scared my mother - she knows that she will need my help soon enough and doesn't want to alienate me.

[Twelvefret]

If they ever need home health or hospice I doubt an agency will admit. That's too bad because they are allowing the animal to do themselves harm.

[LindaW]

Originally Posted by Twelvefret

If they ever need home health or hospice I doubt an agency will admit. That's too bad because they are allowing the animal to do themselves harm.

Agreed. Fully. They don't realize how lucky they are to have my sister there helping.