Very Elderly Parents and the Boomers

[rokdog49]

For those among the "boomer generation" who have any living parents, I found myself desiring to share my experiences in brief and offering everyone in similar shoes to do the same.
My Mom passed away from cancer over fifteen years ago. My Dad has lived alone ever since. He is 91. For a good deal of those years, he was very active until the last few years. Mostly recently he has reached the point where he is struggling to walk farther than 20 or thirty yards and he is totally out of breath. He has a car but rarely drives. He is still capable but he is scared to.He has hearing aids and still can't really hear. He has fallen a few times both inside the house and outside. His intentions are to continue things the way they are until he either has to go to a nursing home or passes.
My wife's folks are in their late eighties and still live in their home as well.
Both of them have had ongoing serious health issues over the last few years and are kind of in the same situation as my Dad. Her Dad drives and they go out together one day a week but both of them are like my Dad. They struggle walking and can't hear even with their hearing aids. Both have fallen several times. They are of the exact same mindset as he is about how they intend to live out the rest of their days.
We help all of them whenever we are needed and fortunately, I have a brother who lives close by to my Dad and he keeps an eye on him and has been an enormous help. By the way, my brother's wife's parents are in the same boat and she is doing for them with her sisters helping. In fact, they are even worse off and should be in a nursing home but won't go.
It is truly difficult to see this happening and yet at least they are still with us.
Maybe some of you in similar straits would like to share your own experiences.
Please do.

[Earl49]

It sucks to see them get old and frail, and it's not an easy thing to watch. I don't have a good suggestion for how to convince them to voluntarily change life stages. Most people delay until something drastic is forced on them. Unfortunately, finding a nursing home when you desperately need it may not leave the best options, if those facilities don't have space available. Better to make a decision on your terms than to be backed into a corner.

On my side, my dad neglected his own health care taking care of my mom who was dying from cancer. He literally worked himself to death -- massive heart attack 10 days before seeing a cardiologist about a pacemaker. She passed four months later. He might have had 5-10 more decent years in him.

On my wife's side, her parents went through this with their elderly parents about 25 years ago and saw the handwriting on the wall. They then moved into a graduated senior living center in Arizona. They live independently in a duplex, then can move to an apartment when needed, and upgrade to memory care or assisted living, or even full-on nursing care when necessary. That takes a huge load off of our mind. At the time, we lived in Alaska and could not be a direct help in most ways.

I don't know what else else to say other than the whole baby boomer generation is now, has already, or will soon be facing this issue.

[fitness1]

Nearly 3 years ago now, I sold off about 80% of my belongings, moved out of my home and into my parents (where I have a 9 by 10 bedroom, a bed and a laptop) Their home is 980 sq ft and 3 cats that I'm allergic to.

My Dad began showing signs of dementia shortly before, and I saw the writing on the wall. My Mom has lifelong anxiety and depression problems and I knew it wasn't going to be a good mix.

As you noted above, Dad couldn't hear well even with his hearing aids. About this time last year he got to the point where he couldn't toilet himself any longer and things started getting bad. He fell several times a week and I'd run home to get him up. Mom would have severe breakdowns, but at the same time she wouldn't allow me to start the process of getting him into a home.

In June Mom was hospitalized and I had to take 4 days off work to take care of Dad (and the 3 cats!) full time and run back and forth to the hospital.

In September this past year, things finally came to a point where we had no choice. Mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for a week. The same day I took her in, I had to take Dad to the home. Dad and I had already had "the talk" about not being able to keep him home much longer, but because of his dementia, he didn't remember. It was the worst day of my life to this point.

I had already started the Medicaid application process but there was a lot to do still.....it's a very exhaustive experience even with parents that don't have much at all. We were initially denied and I had to engage a lawyer - that's when things got really out of control. Long story that I don't care to go into here.

Dad slowly declined from about mid-October to late January, he passed on February 3rd early in the morning. I spent the entire previous day at his bedside, holding his hand, talking to him and swabbing his mouth for moisture.

Looking back I'm not sure how I did everything - running a business that requires split shifts/early mornings and late nights.

It's far from over yet - as you would expect Mom is really struggling with her emotions and every night I'm "counseling" her - which has been going on most of my adult life, but now it's much more often and more intense.

I've not had a vacation in nearly 8 years now other than 3-4 weekends to see old friends 5 hours away. I haven't even done that the last 2 years. You get to a point where you realize you can't even make plans for an evening out that are rock solid. This long winter has been really rough on my attitude. I need biking and golf weather to return soon.

All that said, I know I will have no regrets in the end. I'm totally at peace with my Dad's passing because I know I did everything I possibly could. I'm thankful my life had evolved in a way that I was able to do what I did.

You just never know what life is going to throw at you.

[guitar george]

I looked after my elderly parents, for many years, until they both ended up in care homes. Care homes are very expensive unless you are fortunate to have a government subsidized facility that they can go to. To pay for a care home might require selling their place of residence.

fitness1's story is rather sad, but, loving and caring. There's only so much children can do, for sick and elderly parents, when they have lives of their own to live. Caregivers can become burnt out and have problems of their own.

My advice is to become aware of every government assistance program that is available to care for the elderly and check out a number of care home options that you might be able to use in the future. If all the care homes are full, you should put their names on a waiting list and when a room/bed becomes available, you can make a decision at that time.

[RedJoker]

I'm not a baby boomer but my parents are in their upper 70's and I'm starting to worry about them. They've had some close calls, health-wise but have bounced back somewhat. Mom's vision is going and dad's hearing is gone. They both still drive and that's what scares me the most. They still live at home and have no plans to move.

On the other hand, they adopted a German Shepard puppy last year and said it was the best thing they've done in years. He's kept them active.

[Otterhound]

I will only go here because this became quite an issue in my life .
As age move forward and the bodies and minds tend to go downhill , the one thing that remains constant is dignity .
I would do it all over again in the same way even if I knew the eventual outcome .
The one thing that we can keep up to the end is dignity , yet so many resolve to take that last measure from their parent/s .
If it is possible to do so , try to allow your parent/s the dignity of completing their lives in their own homes if they wish it to be so . It will mean so much to them even if they never relate it . As a side benefit , you will not be teaching your own children to toss you aside when you need them the most .

[Nyghthawk]

I have watched my mother and father age. My father passed in November of 2011. My mother will be 87 in May. My MIL is in a memory care unit with frontotemporal dementia. Being the loving child is hard in these circumstances even at the best of times.

Do your children a favor. My wife and I are moving closer to them to retire, not expecting them to come to us. We are going to scope out assisted living facilities as soon as we move. We are going to get with the kids and let them know where we have chosen for when the time comes.

Be kind to your children, only the ones who die young and the very lucky stay in their homes until they die.

[Chedeng88]

What a sobering thread this is. My parents are getting high up there in age and thoughts about losing them have been popping up from time to time. They are coming over to visit for 2 months and I promised myself that I'll make the most out of it and make it very memorable for all of us. I don't want to lose them having regrets on what I could or could have done better.

Todd, I would just like to add that you have been a very good son. My hat's off to you.

[rokdog49]

It is a sobering thread and I wrote the OP with the intention of hearing from those of you in this situation.
The fact that as aging occurs and the mental and physical health deteriorates, the desire and zest for life goes away with it. The daily struggle to move about and communicate are monumental. The things that we take for granted, they can no longer do well or even at all.
Those of us who are experiencing this first-hand in our parents need to remind others that the eldest among us, parents or otherwise are in a very difficult time and we ought to show them compassion and patience.
One day, soon enough and if we live that long, it will be us.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by rokdog49

One day, soon enough and if we live that long, it will be us.

This reminds me of a George Washington Carver quote: "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these."

Thanks for the kind words Chedeng - it's been a really rough ride at times. Thank goodness for intense exercise.

[Basalt Beach]

I was raised observing my parents care for their parents and their Aunts and Uncles. I recall, going over to do the yard work, clean the house & riding along with my Mom or Dad as they took them grocery shopping or to the bank.

My Dad passed 85 days after being diagnosed with liver cancer. One day before he passed he asked me to please take care of my Mom after he passed. I lived approximately 70 miles from the house, and out of four siblings I lived in state, so for him it simply made sense. Despite lining up a job and planning to the PNW for a new job, I did exactly as my Dad requested and I stayed. My Mom lived for another 12 years in their home and she was very independent until she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. For twelve years, I made regular & multiple trips every week to visit her.

She was fiercely independent and did not like to ask for assistance. Her last six months were the only time she was not as independent as she was accustomed as she could not drive. The time had come and I observed she needed daily assistance, however I knew she had to decide for herself. So during this time, I had several discussions with her and let her reach her own decision on what she wanted.

On her own, she opted to have an in-home care taker and be in a place were she was comfortable and with surroundings which made her happy. We were by her side for entire days of week in which she passed. Her mind was sharp but the cancer ravaged her body.

[SMan]

My wife and I were born in the middle of the boom and have lost all of our parents. (My wife's parents were older than mine.) I was with both my Mom and Dad on the day that they died. My Mom at 41 (1968) and my Dad at 74 (2001). In the case of my Dad my 3 siblings spent very little time with him in his last few years and didn't even call or ask if there was going to be a service or what happened to his remains after his death. This illustrates that just because you have kids it really doesn't mean they will take care of you. That said my wife and I have no children. We have concerns but have done all we can to plan and put ourselves in the best situation possible to cope with aging. We'll take it as it comes but are not paralyzed with fear by it.

[H165]

Care homes are very expensive unless you are fortunate to have a government subsidized facility that they can go to. To pay for a care home might require selling their place of residence.

At $5k a month after-taxes cash to sit on a couch and stare at the wall, my non compos mentis mother-in-law's care has taken her home equity, life savings, insurance payouts, investments, inheritance from her sister, even her coin collection. Everything she owned and earned over a 45 year career in the banking world. About $135k gone so far and that's with no high-dollar medical expenses.

My wife is wading through a million procedures trying to keep her safe and get her whatever benefits are provided by current and past taxpayers. We may be at the point where completing the correct procedures to secure "guaranteed" veteran's widow benefits has taken more time than my father-in-law spent in the military during WWII. My wife (only child) is now looking at footing the bill; chewing through her own retirement income and savings.

Mom cannot speak, react, or comprehend anything. There does not appear to be any improvement possible or forecast. She is physically quite healthy for her age, with no doomsday diagnostics. We have become unsure which would be worse, her continued survival, or her demise.

We have been blessed and fortunate in our lives, but we are also fairly realistic. We are well aware that any set of parents and any responsible only-child, who earned the national average income all their lives, and saved diligently throughout, might already be bankrupted by our situation.

[fitness1]

Originally Posted by H165

We have been blessed and fortunate in our lives, but we are also fairly realistic. We are well aware that any set of parents and any responsible only-child, who earned the national average income all their lives, and saved diligently throughout, might already be bankrupted by our situation.

Not sure about where you are, but here in MI, the patient (if they are the only survivor - Dad is gone) can have 2k in the bank and their home and car, and Medicaid will kick in. There will be estate recovery after she's gone, but as a son/daughter you should not have to use any of your funds. It's also (interestingly enough) much more here in MI for the nursing home. Dad's fees were 7780 a month. There were only 3 in the city that would accept Medicaid. If your Mom is running out of funds, you may want to considering looking for a care facility that does as well.

[Mr. Jelly]

I feel for you guys. Really. My 89 year mother was putting off moving into an assisted care home. It looked great to me. I'd go in a heart beat. Anyway her hip started giving her problems and she decided to get it replaced. She didn't make it. The only thing I can say to some of you is one of these days they will be gone. And so will you.